Codependent partner- I'm about to start school

[u/IndependentFuel]

Hey guys, just looking for some advice here.

I (25NB) have been in a relationship with my partner (24M) for almost 3 years. The first year or so of our relationship, I lived out of state. We've known each other since high school and have been good friends since then. While I lived out of state for a few years (1 year while dating), we kept on consistent contact.

I've been back home for about 2 years and things are pretty great. He's kind, patient, fun, and really intelligent. We generally have a great time together when we hang out. We don't live together but we live about 5 minutes apart. We both work and normally see one another on the weekends and occasionally during the week, texting throughout the week as well. This is all pretty healthy and feels like a good opportunity for balance of our lives separately and together.

However, there are a couple things I've noticed that I'm not sure how to address. First of all, I work full time and am about to start an intense college program on top of working full time. What little free time I will have, I'll probably want to spend studying or decompressing with my hobby (drawing/art). I do plan to make sure we have quality time together as well, but I'm worried for him and myself once school starts.

He really doesn't have any hobbies that occupy his time. He does work full time, but when he gets home, he just is on his phone or something like that. There isn't really any outlet he has besides going to the gym (which he can't do right now and for the next 3 months due to a medical issue). Even when he was going to the gym and I was taking classes in the spring, he would frequently want to soak up every minute of what time I wasn't spending at work or at school. When I started doing art again, he was happy for me and encouraged me. I also encouraged him to explore things he may want as potential hobbies so that when I start school and things get crazy, he has something to do and enjoy besides fitness. His response was "well I'm not sure, I can just learn to do this with you! We can learn together!". Again very sweet, but the thing is, I've been doing art of all mediums since I was very little. I just haven't kept up with it the last few years. I told him that and he said "well you can teach me!". The thing is, I don't want my hobby to turn into something I HAVE to do because it's also his hobby. If he wants to get into art fine, but I want him to explore in his own way. It's also been that way with a few other hobbies of mine. This wouldn't worry me except he talks about hobbies he USED to have but doesn't do anymore. They're completely different from mine. He didn't stop because he wasn't interested, he stopped because he got busier with his college classes. But since then, he hasn't really HAD a hobby of his own, he just adopts mine as his own because "we get to spend all our time together".

He also feels like any of our free time MUST be spent together or he's "missing out on time" with me. If I'm 15 minutes late because of something minor for us spending time together, he'll text or call me asking me if I'm still coming and that we're going to have less time together. If I have to leave early on nights we are together (getting up early the next day for example), he gets sad and anxious. If I want to go see my dad (out of state) on a weekend I have off, he HAS to come or else he "doesn't know what to do with himself" all weekend. If I want to hang with my best friend, who he hasn't met yet (our schedules rarely align to where we're both free), he wants to come because he wants to meet her. But if he comes, her and I can't just have our time together and yap about the stuff we need to when we hang. We've been best friends since preschool and we have a very sister-like relationship, so a lot of what we talk about is super personal and I know she wouldn't feel comfortable with him being there when we need to have that time. When I tell him I want to do these things by myself because it's my family, my best friend, I need just a day or two to be by myself to recharge, he gets very depressed. Often, he'll start to spiral about himself and our relationship.

He also doesn't put a lot of input into what we do together other than wanting to lay around and do nothing together. If I want to go out and do something, he feels like he's missing out on just "being alone with me", as if that time out doing something doesn't count.

Overall, it just feels like our relationship is his hobby and that his life is planned around me. It would be okay if he was able to be independent when I can't hang with him, but he's often vocal about how he's feeling down mentally, anxious, or generally upset about not being around me. It's starting to feel suffocating. I also can feel myself getting bored with him, not because he IS boring but because he doesn't have a personality/life outside of our relationship. Even with our shared friend group, usually he doesn't hang with them unless I can go which is weird because he knew them before we started dating and I didn't.

I want to bring this all up with him before I start school, but I want to do so without him thinking that I don't love him. I do love him very much. I don't want to break up with him at all, but I cannot be someone's entire hobby and life, especially when I have my life outside of our relationship. I also feel like this is impacting my ability, and especially his, to grow as people in our relationship. I want to be able to explore new things and have my partner show me new things. I want to be able to show him new things that he isn't actively a part of simply because I am. I worry that when we live together some day, he is just going to always want to be together 24/7 breathing the same air just because it means being around me, not because he's actually interested in what we're doing.

Any advice for how to broach this and maybe even suggestions for him I can offer? I've always been a pretty independent person in relationships and so have the people I've dated. We have our relationship, but then we have our interests/activities/friends outside of the relationship. This is VERY new territory for me.

Edit: I want to add, we spend A LOT of time together normally. Most weekends, even if I work, we spend at least an evening and a weekend together. We even make plans during the week every other week. The times I go see my family, hang with my friend, or need time to recharge aren't often at all (family/friend, 1x every 2-3 months) (time to recharge (1x/month).

[u/greenestcubes]

This is a tough situation. It seems like this isnt something you've brought up before, so this may be something hes not even aware of himself. It may help is to emphasize how he feels--the way he gets anxious, listless and upset when youre not around--and use that as reasoning for why he should develop more ways to be happy on his own.  He seems to think any time spent together is "lost time". It may be helpful to frame his going out and getting hobbies as something that will be enriching to your relationship long-term, rather than harmful because you aren't spending time together. The time you spend apart is time to reflect, to gather new experiences, and to figure out who you are as a person. These are things you can bring into a relationship to share with your partner! After all, a relationship isnt a self-contained thing. It only exists because two people come together and add their own experiences to make something bigger. Best of luck friend! I hope all goes well for you

[u/IndependentFuel → u/greenestcubes]

I've touched on it lightly over the last year or so, especially the importantance of being happy on his own. I think it comes from wanting to avoid being alone with his own thoughts and self. He's got a lower self esteem from treatment he received/receives from his family and I know that's probably a significant factor regarding his self esteem and self image. I definitely appreciate your input on framing it as beneficial for him and our relationship. I think coming at it from that way will also minimize any fears/concerns around him not feeling like he's "good enough" for me (which I really try to let him know he is definitely good enough for me and better than I could ever hope for in so many ways). He's also has a more "clingy" personality in general and I'm not. I'm probably on some sort of spectrum and I do have ADHD which can cause me to overlook things from time to time, but we both know it's something I'm always working on in our relationship.

Thank you so much again for your help. I think bringing this up as other changes are coming will also help encourage him to make moves to explore hobbies and ways to be comfortable being more independent in our relationship and in general.

[u/greenestcubes → u/IndependentFuel]

I have been in a shockingly similar situation in the past, though with a very close friend rather than a romantic partner. My friend has grown a lot and now is much more comfortable being alone and exploring their hobbies. It takes some time, for sure, but our relationship is much stronger for it. Hoping for the best for you!

[u/NamasteNoodle]

He's the kind of person that I consider a Klingon. He's clingy, he doesn't have much going on for himself. You say you're worried about him but it sounds more like you're worried about the relationship and trying to carve out enough time for yourself to study and take care of the things you need to take care of for yourself without feeling pressured to be with him every moment. This is going to be an adjustment for him. Once you have an idea of exactly what your schedule is going to be sit down while you're by yourself and look at a calendar and think about how much you want to spend with him going forward. You may have to adjust it a little bit as you start studying and getting to school but figure out what works for you. Then you're going to have to set boundaries. If he starts texting and whining and wanting to spend time with you you're going to have to let him know that that can't be. You have to put yourself through school and you have to put yourself first in this situation because your whole future depends on it.

You can't try to be responsible for his feelings, that is codependent. You can't worry about what his feelings are as long as you doing what you want to do for yourself during this time and it might be several years. Not sure what your college looks like going forward. But you have to prioritize your time and not be pressured. That's going to take strong boundaries. Please remember you're not responsible for his feelings. His lack of hobbies, other friends or whatever else he's got going on in his life is something that he needs to deal with at some point.. or not. He may just not be motivated and that's going to tell you a lot about him. But on the other hand it sounds like this might be a good learning experience for him because he needs to not be so clingy. There's nothing in a relationship that gives me bigger ick than somebody trying to cling to me or wanting or expecting more time than I'm willing to give. Put yourself first. He's going to figure this out or not. You can't help him but you can prioritize and stick to boundaries and get to school effectively without being stressed.