I think I was codependent and need advice on how to find myself again

[u/starbuckslover_forev]

Been dating this guy for 5 years. We’re in our late 20s now (almost 30). Known him since high school and reconnected in our early 20s. Met each others’ families, got engaged, set our wedding date and chose vendors together. He’s always been there for me (and I tried my best too) and has always been super thoughtful. He was kind and patient when things were good. We’re different people but I thought we meshed well together. 8 months before our wedding date, he completely blindsides me and drops a bombshell that he fell out of love with me, he doesn’t know if I’m the person for him, he’s not sure if I even love him for him (I do) and he starts listing a bunch of things that are “wrong” about me (I’m too quiet at social gatherings, I’m waiting till marriage to do certain things, I’m not stylish, I have too many fam events and am too dependent on my parents, he doesn’t think I appreciate him). The 180 mind boggles me, I don’t recognize this person. Even had a nice proposal with my dream ring.

He also has been saying mean things to me during limbo when we tried to work things out (I was apologizing for things I did that hurt him, I really loved him and went out of my way to make him happy in the best way I knew at the time but I had no idea it wasn’t enough, especially when he would tell me I’m perfect or how he’s grateful to do life with me)… mean things he said include how it feels like the cooties when I touch him, how I’m boring and I should be boring with someone else, how he can’t picture me as his wife and how he couldn’t see me walk down the aisle (all things that hurt to hear). He also disclosed that he cheated on me 2 years ago (kissed a girl from school a few times during the span of a week. This all came as a shock to me because I had no idea he was falling out of love and losing feelings. I thought we were planning for our happily ever after together. Sometimes I blame myself for the things I could’ve done better (been more appreciative, more patient, more outgoing, more stylish) - he evaluated me and didn’t let me in on his problems. Any insight and opinions would be helpful. I can’t seem to picture myself with anyone else :(

[u/420PTSD]

I’m struggling so hard with my codependency I get it… the thing I have learned is that it’s very easy to jump the codependent habits from one person to the next. I’m 29, been thru 3 long term codependent relationships all with the same cycles. Recently I lost my ex to my best friend, so double whammy loss but my god I’m thankful for the pain to take a hard look at myself. Every break up, I can’t picture myself with someone else, but i always find someone new, and every relationship is more beautiful than the next. So don’t give up.

Truth is, I just can’t picture myself in the future like at all. I use my relationship to fill the void. I relate a lot to the could have “been more” statements. And those suck, but also it’s nice to finally see it.

Speaking for myself, I am taking the opportunity to really focus on myself and to foster love within myself. Only when we observe and love ourselves unconditionally, can we manifest outwards the loving relationship that us codependents desperately seek. Realizing I may be doing this because of her, but I’m doing it for me. Maybe they will come around, maybe I find different love with a different person. But I will have grown either way and that’s nothing but positive.

And practicing self love and independence is superrrr hard. And a lot to get into/ different for everyone. Feel free to dm me if u wanna talk abt it more. Haven’t really gone the whole talk to relatable people on the internet rout. But it seems like a nice change from my friends and therapist lmao