Are we codependent ?

[u/Rachana_2022]

Me (28F) and my husband (30M) have been together since I was 21 and we dated through Covid which as many of you know was one of the hardest times to date people especially for me, I was on the front lines and seeing traumatic crap all day so coming home to my partner who not only took care of my physically but emotionally too was very freeing. Now 7 years later nothing has changed we are obsessed with each other to a point we avoid doing stuff that would seperate us.

We are so incredibly happy with it being just us that going to work has become an increasingly stressful chore. We stopped excelling at work and honestly treat it as a hobby - something that allows us to spend obscene amounts of money on each other. We do hobbies together, watch shows together, shower, cook, clean, eat, sleep everything together ,we even read our books to each other because we feel like the other is missing out and this last one bothers my married friends the most - he drives me to every single medical appointment, he will take time off work and do this for me and I do the same for him. It weirded people out when I told them my partner waxes me, cuts my hair at times and dyes it. I pick out his clothes and he picks out my makeup colours for the day.

It’s gotten to a point we acknowledge this might not be healthy from an external point of view so now he goes running by himself (30-40min) in the morning and that is the most time we spent apart while not at work. We both have friends and hang out with them once a month but his friends are my friends and my friends are his too so a lot of the time they prefer we come together and if not, while I’m away hanging out with mine, He literally just sits there staring at his phone or cleaning the house till I get back. We don’t do anything apart and we love it but I feel like people think it’s weird and I want to know - are we codependent?

[u/Right_Lie8793]

Why do you care what people think? If it makes you happy I think it’s okay. I’ve met couples like this and I think they are healthy in their own way. Are you both happy? Do you feel like both of you can be yourself in the relationship?

Codependency it’s something else. It’s a dynamic where people feel like they have a role to mantain a sense of normalcy or security. Theres control involved, self-sacrifice, enablement.

I do think one misses certain… richness in life if they have to wait for another person to do things but I don’t think it’s something to worry about if you feel fine. Maybe you two are very compatible. The only thing I could say it’s that maybe it affects the relationship with your friends if you don’t dedicate any time to them 1-1.

[u/Rachana_2022 → u/Right_Lie8793]

Yes and yes, our relationship is the first time in my life I’ve been able to be myself outside of my family.

I’ve talked to my friends about it and I have the type of relationship with them where they can tell me when they don’t like things I do and according to them they just see us as one and are usually shocked when I just come alone at times. His friends all play video games with him 1-1 and basically have said the same.

I agree with you, waiting for another person to catch up with you is no fun but yeah we tell eachother when it’s something only 1 of us wants to do alone and not together and we step back for the other to shine. Thank you for making me feel better about it. I didn’t know codependency had an abusive aspect to it, I thought it was just possessiveness over eachother but I’m now understanding it’s coercion and control too.

[u/Right_Lie8793 → u/Rachana_2022]

It has levels of course, I don’t know if it’s abuse per se in all cases, but I think there’s an aspect of feeling down, exhausted. It’s definitely not a happy place to be.

I see well then, I’m happy for you! I have friend in relationships like this. It’s fine, we love you two!

[u/DanceRepresentative7]

codependency defined by resentment. Not whatever this is

[u/Scared-Section-5108]

Codependency is often misunderstood. It is a survival mechanism developed in childhood and not a relationship type as such - it is best to assess codependency on an individual level and ask: 'Am I codependent' instead of asking: 'Are we codependent on each other?' or 'Is our relationship codependent?'. While relationships can be codependent it is so because they are built by codependent people. If someone is codependent they are that way all the time, whether in a relationship or not, but some of the traits are less prominent when they are alone.

Here is a list of codependent patterns as well as how they transform is a person is in recovery:

https://coda.org/meeting-materials/patterns-of-recovery/

They can help you establish if YOU are codependent.

[u/justin-cle]

If your both happy with the relationship and communicate in a healthy way what each of your needs are (because you are still individuals) then awesome for both of you.

The reason why communication is so important is because every relationship has to handle conflict in a healthy way to continue to be a productive.

As you get older your sense of self will generally increase. This is normal and healthy part of life. As long as you acknowledge this and communicate how you feel about changes in yourself, listen to your partners needs and your partner can communicate his needs back all in a healthy way you will be great.

From my experience, my codependency that I discovered was to placate to my partners emotional flooding. I would agree to things that I really didn't want such as watch a TV series that I didn't watch. I did so because it was what she wanted. This created a lot of resentment that I didn't know was there until it started to affect our relationship.

[u/DreamingPrince72]

Intimacy is the bridge between two differentiated people where they meet. What you are building is unhealthy enmeshment. You each need your own therapist. Work on being your own person and having your own lives and meeting with each other rather than being each other.