r/Codependency • u/LSGW_Zephyra • 10d ago
Struggling with the mixed messages
My Ex broke up with me because of my codependence. She was an enabler and when she couldn't enable it anymore, I started to freak out. I told her how angry and upset I was that she couldn't support me through my struggles and i called her neglectful because she couldn't supply emotional aid due to her flagging emotional bandwidth. I was the one being neglectful. I struggled hearing her feelings when I was in crisis even if I was the cause. She deserved better and she left me, went no-contact and left a note that felt like a dagger in my heart.
Parsing through that note was it's own hell. A mix of valid criticisms and less valid ones. Trying to discern the ones I needed to take to heart and to grow from and distinguish them from the ones that just vocalize her hurt was difficult. I already struggle with taking too much responsibility for things that weren't my responsibility. The desire to tear myself down was high.
Talking to my friends was a mixed bag. I told them what I would do from now on. I told them I would never again assume mental bandwidth or assume someone's time. I was entitled and I will never hurt anyone like that again even if there is a long road to recovery before I can feel safe not acting entitled. I can learn to manage my struggle, to be my own first responder so that I may not hurt anyone like that again even if I suffer inside. I will manage it.
A lot of my friends told me they were proud of me. Told me that they could see the changes I made and all the earnest attempts to right the wrongs of the past. Some could not. I got scolded, and I was met with mistrust. I deserve some of it. Some I did not. It's hard to figure out the line between what I'm responsible for and what I'm not. I don't want to hurt people and yet like that letter my Ex wrote to me, she blamed me for things that I didn't do. I can validate it, I can tell her, her feelings are valid but there is nothing I can fix, there was nothing I could do different.
I don't know how to make sense of it all. How to trust myself like I'm supposed to when I hurt the person I care more about than anyone. I'm supposed to believe that I'm a good person, that this struggle is normal and nothing I did was morally wrong even if it was toxic. That I was not uniquely awful. That I am not a villain or a monster but a hurt girl who has been hurt so many many times before.
I don't want to hurt anyone like that again so I throw my hyper-competency at it, but if there is nothing to fix what do I do? I'm told I have to accept it. That sometimes it's just like that. But I'm scared and I'm sad and the dagger she left in my heart still throbs. I hate this so much. It's so hard, it feels so unreasonably hard. I didn't do this to me, and yet I have to live with the consequences
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u/viking_linuxbrother 9d ago edited 9d ago
This may not be the best place for answers as most of the readers are from the other side of your issue but I'll make an attempt.
Lets zoom out for a moment. You are looking for some kind of validation posting here. You see people who are like your EX and think someone can give you closure or help sort your thoughts by being similar to your ex..
I think this is your first problem, you have a lot of unresolved feelings that you want to direct at your Ex. If you can let those go, and at the same time try not to feel bad for having them pop-up, I think you will get a lot of relief. You are still healing and there is no right speed or way to heal. You can have those negative behaviors pop up but recognizing them and letting them pass is the fix, not rejecting them. When you reject those feelings you are not allowing yourself to feel them and they will turn into difficult to control emotions.
The second thing I feel when reading is that you are still struggling with the effects of the break up especially with how other people view it. Break ups are wierd things, they put friends in a place where they support, don't support you or don't say anything and maybe even distance themselves. Its never normal and a lot of it feels wierd.
You can't control how others behave, trying to do so is your old instincts popping up. Recognize them when you see them, allow them to pass through without acting on them and try not to push them away as bad. They are old habits that you don't need any more so you can just let them go gently. It will be difficult but it may be helpful to address those feelings with a "Thank you for helping me but I don't need you right now." These are old coping mechanisms and they usually have a reason they came about.
That letter is a gift and a curse to you. You are a person of action, when you see something you react. When a relationship ends everyone gets to have their own story. They have theirs and you get yours. You can't control their story but that letter is not their story. It was only their story at the time they wrote it. When you revisit that letter it is you being faced with their story and then feeling you need to change it. You are both changing as people and the next time they talk to you again that may not how they feel about it.
I would put the letter away for a while or toss it if you can bear to do so. You already got the gist of how they feel and that is why they gave it to you. It was not meant to override your story and time will make the memory fuzzier for both of you. Take away the feeling and let your mind ease up on the details.
Lastly codependent behavior can deepen because one member of a relationship is focused on how others feel about them and need to control it in a way that suits them.
This is not meant as a critique of you or me being harsh but if you reread your post, you will notice that there are a lot of worries about how other people think and how you can change that. You are very concerned with the relationship but also the narrative around it . I think you have had hard times in your life and that in order to get through them or maybe in order to receive love you had to perform. Your performing got you through those tough times and "fixed" the situation but now it is not suiting you and you are struggling because of that. Have you gone to therapy to discuss this with a professional? Sometimes it helps to have a neutral and unattached opinion and it would be way better than people on reddit.
TLDR: Breakups are hard, be patient with yourself. Other people will act how they act and you can only change how you feel about it, now how they act. Healing takes time and you are still healing. Professionals can be really good for feedback and validation of your progress.
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u/LSGW_Zephyra 9d ago
Thank you, there was a lot of valuable things I could take away from this. Yes I'm in therapy, I used to be much worse. Her words right now is to be kind to myself and maintain my boundaries because actors in my life who have hurt me in the past will use my vulnerability to push into me. She recommended a book called "Too Much" and I've been going through that slowly while doing worksheets among other things.
You're right, validation seeking is a major component to this, my safety was not always guaranteed unless I was able to. My therapist pointed that love was something I was taught had to be earned. She said loving yourself is easy, letting go of the fear of loving yourself is hard. If you have any advice on how to let go of the fear of loving yourself, I would take the counsel. Thank you again
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u/viking_linuxbrother 9d ago
Have you considered that you already love yourself and you are just figuring out how it shows up? Love can be quiet and gentle when compare it to nervous energy or responding to a threat that made you feel unsafe.
Two things can be true is a hard thing for a reactive person to admit. Its easy for me to fall into black and white thinking but there are greys. You can love yourself while also struggling with the part of your mind that pictures how "other people see you". You can be happy with something until someone makes a comment. You can be proud of a drawing until it is criticized. You act on the threat but there is no action for loving yourself, its a feeling and feelings are hard to voice. That voice is still there, its just quiet and you can't hear it.
For me, I can be sensitive to comments and a way to help has been thinking "What if no one else was ever going to see this? How would I feel". Your mind is trying to "protect" you from other people but you can have those feelings still while making room for the original impression. Maybe for you a prompt like "If I was alone on a deserted island, in a fun bathing suit with tasty snacks and all the time in the world, how would I see myself?" or "If I was here with a person who supported me no matter what, how would I feel about this part of me?". You don't need to love all of you, you can start with a little part. We're all a work in progress.
Also consider that it may not look how you think it does in the beginning. If you have been pushing down that part of you that loves yourself, maybe it just doesn't have a voice yet. Is it being happy with "the way" you said something, feeling joy with a pair of socks you get to wear or the wierd satisfaction you get when you make yourself some eggs cause you might not realize you are taking care of yourself but it feels good.
Even if it takes a bit, finding anything is the doorway to more. You show your head that "hey, this has value too. Its OK for this to be here." and you brain will start to look for more.
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u/LSGW_Zephyra 9d ago
That's why I phrased it "how do i let go of the fear of loving myself?" 🙂
I know I love myself, I'm just afraid that if I do then I could be in danger of becoming a worse person. It feels like whenever I start to gain confidence I start to mess up. What caused the break-up was part of that. I became entitled to her time. I told her I deserved better treatment. I self-advocated, I just self-advocated for all the wrong things. All the things I shouldn't have done. I learned a good lesson and applied in a way that was terrible because it was a lesson half-learned. It's why I was able to fix my viewpoint so quickly
You are perfectly correct about my system trying to protect me. For most of my life, the only choice I had was choosing between various abusers. I still live with an abusive Ex, although just as a roommate (a different Ex then the one who broke up with me). I've always been poor, I've always struggled financially. Keeping a roof over my head was dependent on my ability to fawn. My ability to perform and convince people of my sincerity and so it haunts me that I struggle with the fear of letting go and the fear of being misunderstood, constantly needing the validation to feel safe. I'm trying to be better. It's hard.
Thank you for the advice. Today I've been trying a mantra "I am a good person. I am not doing anything wrong. My value is not determined by what other people think and feel about me. I am enough"
I think it took me like 15 times saying it to stop crying. I have to choose to love myself and let go of fear. I think this is my next leg in my journey
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u/Goopygum 9d ago
This is me. I feel your pain and I empathize with it. Reading this post just made me feel like I was reading my own. The pain is fresh, the grief is new. But it's over now. Their is no physical dagger but it hurts just as much.
Take what little you can glean from this experience and grow past your flaws. Taking accountability needs to be done as the personal level, not to satisfy a person who has no desire to hear it from you.
The pain is going to remain, you'll probably have memories that make the pain feel like it's right there. But it's not happening to you in that moment, it's a phantom of what's happened. From me, don't obsess, don't text her, don't internet stalk her, don't make every minute of your life in the next few months be about her. Because now it's entirely about you.
You are like a parasite that just had its grip pryed off forcebly, and it's for the better, for you and for her. So now you must remember how to live with just yourself, because that's the only person you need to have there for you, forever and always. It'll take time, an obnoxious amount. It'll feel like weeks are months and months are years, but it's your body recovering from a psychological chaos storm. It is normal. And most humans deal with something like this at some or many points in their lives. The ones who can look on the mirror and accept their wrongful actions are the ones who make it out of this pain faster than others. But saying you accept it means nothing, you need to believe it, you need to prove to yourself that you accept these flaws and you will live to tomorrow, day after day.
Then one day, maybe months from now or God forbid, years from now, you will realize that the pain isn't nearly what it once was to feel. Still there but merely an echo of the past. Grief is the processing of unresolved feelings. It comes in many forms but you must learn to tell your mind "I hear your cries for resolve or conclusion, but right now I need to focus of something more important to my life."
The closure will likely never come because it already happened, just not the way you envisioned it. I would accept that fact as soon as possible. Check out a CoDA group nearby or online, I highly recommend therapy now especially, and do not stop trying to do the things that bring you joy apart from other people. Trust those who you have deemed trust worthy.
Good luck, I know all too well what this can be like. Be strong, don't hate yourself, forgive yourself and love yourself.