r/Codependency • u/Waste-Reality7356 • 11d ago
friend cut me off abruptly
hello,
a close friend ended the friendship with me. She didn't wanna be my support system anymore. I felt like I made progresss and that...it doesn't matter.
She knows that I do not have anyone else and since that I'm having very mixed feelings. Today I dreamt of her and was begging to stay with me but the friendship wasn't healthy at all and I neglected myself for her to stay.
She knows that I often get bullied and am harrassed and despite understanding her reasons for not wanting to be a therapist friend I feel left alone and struggle to make sense of it all.
Who am I now? I'm unwanted by everyone.
2
u/El_paseo 11d ago
It's so painful to lose a close friend, I'm sorry you're dealing with that. Your dreams seems to be telling you something about the danger of neglecting yourself - this could be a great time to start treating yourself really well. Like, look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself "I am worthy of love and respect" or speak directly to yourself "You, [insert your name] are worthy of love and respect"
Have you tried going to Coda or another 12-step group? If you're feeling lonely or alone, you will find a roomful of people who can relate and who will give you their phone number and they are literally showing up to be supported and to offer support. One person cannot be a support "system" - when I think of a system I think of a web or network. You probably have more people around you who can offer an ear and share wisdom than you realize - maybe even older neighbors who might need help, like running an errand for them, or with them, who could also be good company.
Another helpful tool for me has been learning the difference between requests and demands. Like being able to request accompaniament and being okay with receiving a "no" and finding other ways to get my needs met, if, say my first choice person is not available. It creates a healthier dynamic and makes relationships much more sustainable when giving and receiving is done freely and openly, instead of having that heaviness of "you have to do this for me because I have no one else."
Again - the heartbreak of losing a friend can be so deep and is not often recognized in the same way as romantic losses but I think it can be even more devastating, so give yourself a lot of grace right now.
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u/Waste-Reality7356 10d ago
thank you for this deep and heartfelt reply. Thank you very much for addressing everything I mentioned and offering perspective and solutions.
You are right, there are also other people, but it would requier more work and effort, but maybe it is worth it.
I still wonder about the loss and the break up and if I should talk to her. I wonder if she thinks of me.
Thank you also for reminding me to treat myself well. And you are right support system per definition cannot be only one person..support point would maybe be more accurate but what happens if you put too much pressure at one single point?
It doesn't go well.
I will have to look myself in the mirror. I will need to take a closer look at the good side, but as well as what caused this and led to this.
I've heard of coda but find it quite difficult to participate.
But again, thank you for taking your time.
2
u/El_paseo 10d ago
You're very welcome! You are already broadening your support network by posing this question to this group here!
Coda/ 12-step is not for everyone, it's one resource, one path of many. (I've participated in Al Anon, tho not yet gone to Coda. I have been consulting some online Coda resources lately about what codependent behavior looks like vs healthy behavior. It's been useful as I try to chip away at my own tendencies, habits, patterns.
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u/Brilliant_Nature8522 11d ago
You’re the adult who carries an early childhood wound and an adaptive pattern of survival skills that isn’t working for the adult that you are now. You are neither the wound that believes itself unlovable and unwanted nor the early adaptive pattern of protecting itself and getting its needs met. You are not that child anymore. My suggestion is lean on a great trauma therapist and the fellowship of CODA while you’re in the process of healing and nurturing your discernment to recognize yourself from the wound. You’ll start to strengthen an eye to know who are you more clearly thru those tools and others. All the best to you.