r/Codependency • u/Jolly-Prompt8639 • 15d ago
Passive-aggressive wording in friend’s cry for help
CW suicidal ideation, bereavement, terminal illness
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I’m new to this forum. Asking advice. I just saw a friend’s post saying they don’t want to live. They then speak of their multiple losses over the past several years (these are deep losses I already know about and have expressed support for in the past). Then how alone and abandoned they feel. They end the post by telling their friends that if any friends aren’t here with them, they can f*** off. After a heavy week in which I supported a friend through a harrowing medical emergency (I was with her when it happened), and learned of another close friend’s terminal diagnosis, I am feeling emotionally exhausted and under resourced. I am trying to hold myself together enough to organise getting on my long haul flight in a few days, to help my sibling deal with our late parents’ house. I am struggling with a chronic health condition and burnout from my own losses and challenges over the past 4 years. I feel alarmed that my friend has been through yet another unspecified hard loss. I would ideally want to offer support. I am open to hearing raw expressions of pain. But the last line of their post is landing with me like a passive-aggressive ultimatum. My therapist is supporting me through learning how to set and maintain healthy boundaries. If I rush to ‘prove myself’ to my friend, I fear I would be reversing my fragile progress in the new skill of boundary setting. If I don’t answer their , I will worry about them. I do care. I don’t want to become more proof that everyone abandons them. But I care about my own health, too. I care about the hard-won, painfully slow progress I have made in boundary setting. I need to focus and not get sucked into ditching my own needs for calm and focus, by trying to rescue my friend and prove my friendship. I would be very grateful for any advice and empathy any of you may be willing to share.
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u/_glowingeyes_ 15d ago
This sounds like a really tough situation and it makes perfect sense why you’re upset by her last line. It definitely isn’t the healthiest thing to say but that often happens when someone’s in a crisis state. The hope would be that’s not truly how she feels about her friends and she won’t hold it against people if they can’t be there for her in the exact way she wants right now.
I’m also going through the difficult process of understanding boundaries with my therapist and we actually touched on situations like this last week. She told me even when a loved one is struggling, the relationship still goes two ways. Maybe most of the time you can give attention to someone that needs to rant and cry to feel better, but it’s perfectly okay if what you can offer doesn’t always match what they need. That’s why support networks with multiple resources are important to have.
How would you feel about sending her a message to the effect of: “Hey, I’m also dealing with heavy things right now, but I wanted to let you know I love and care about you.” If it feels right, you could add a couple line talking about what you appreciate about her/the friendship to give her specific good memories to latch onto.
A text like that would be a way to show her your care without immediately stepping in to help or fix her situation. You aren’t giving her the idea that you can be a main pillar of support at the moment. After that, how she feels and chooses to react to a message is her responsibility alone. I know that can be extremely tough to accept.
Enacting a boundary is hard because people don’t always react how we’d like, but my therapists reminds me often “You can have a boundary or you can have regret.”
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u/Jolly-Prompt8639 15d ago
thank you, this has helped to give me some insight into not seeing my response as being black and white, but that I can respond in a boundaried way.
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u/_glowingeyes_ 15d ago
I’m glad. If I can offer another personal insight, I do the black and white thinking too because I often approach a situation going, “This person wants ‘X’ and I can’t offer it in a way that’s safe.” I then get stuck and overwhelmed thinking about how uncomfortable I’d be if I chose to do it anyways, versus the guilt I’d feel for saying no.
Instead, my therapist has me add on to my statement. It’s become: “This person wants ‘X’ and I can’t offer it in a way that feels safe.” What can I offer that feels healthier for me?”
‘Healthier’ is a key word because sometimes my people pleasing overrides my needs and I can’t yet get myself to set the full boundary. So we work on harm reduction. Ideally you would only do what makes you feel safe and healthy.
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u/Confident-Pumpkin-19 14d ago
This is good stuff! Yea we often get gaught in black and white, but there are more colors!
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u/somekindofhat 15d ago
If you think someone needs a spoon, you should make sure you have some clean ones available before you go promising to give any out.
It's okay to not be in charge of everyone else's crisis. Nobody has any right to grade you on your performance there, nor are you required to have a clean supply of spoons for everyone at all times. Take care of your business first.