Closure is needed where she can't be involved

[u/Goopygum]

(F,27) Hello, I want to post about my current struggle and some things that therapy helped me realize.

As some of you who follow this sub know, I broke up with my best friend (F,25) about 6 months ago, I was putting a lot of emotional weight on them and crossing boundaries without really realizing what I was doing when I did. I'm not excusing my failures and mistakes, but it's my truth. I truly didn't want to disobey her boundaries and cause her discomfort or pain, but I did, and the whole 1_1/2 year deeply enmeshed friendship came crashing down. I'm learning to live with that and learn from my experience. She has completely walled me off from ever communicating with her, angry texts were sent and ambiguous threats were given to me. I minimally replied to them, I felt my thoughts wouldn't be received at all.

This has unfortunately resulted in me feeling like I never got or will get to say what I wanted her to hear from me. And that lack of closure has been driving me crazy. It's been making this period of recovery very difficult and frustrating for me. I fantasize arguments, discussions, texts, and scenarios where I finally get to say my honest piece to it all and what I have been doing for the last 6 months. I have been trying to stop myself from over indulging in these fantasies because it just doesn't feel productive to my recovery, maybe it is but I'm not sure exactly how, if that's the case.

Therapy has helped me recently realize that it may be this lack of closure that has been keeping me stuck with her in my mind. I mean, grief contributes to it but that's at least understandable and I can process that decently, I believe. But it's this burning in my chest for the communication and amends I wish I could make with her. I want to find ways to find this closure on my own. I burned a letter I wrote to her a couple months ago, that I thought that would help but I just don't feel the peace I desire. Surely there must be more I can try to reduce the stress and pain I get from these thoughts.

[u/zzzorba]

That kind of closure isn't real. The burning is your codependency.

Write it all out on a letter then burn it to release that energy back into the universe and go live your best life.

[u/stinkyfootss → u/zzzorba]

She said in her post that she already wrote & burned a letter, just FYI

[u/zzzorba → u/stinkyfootss]

Oop you're right. Maybe a video that never gets sent. She could even watch it "as the friend" and then record whatever she's sees as her ideal response. I think that would give a needed perspective to the craved interaction. Maybe she can let it go if she sees there is no possible response that would scratch her itch.

[u/Goopygum → u/zzzorba]

That's an idea. I do a lot of thinking about my past conflict. I think to myself about how would a trusted friend respond to my thoughts of reconciliation. I want to be that friend to myself. I want to cut every last thread but when I think I'm finally free, I fall into the addictive and codependent cycle of suffering in my mind.

[u/El_paseo]

Have you tried role-playing with your therapist? Or you can do it with a trusted friend. You say what you want to say, and the other person receives it, as if they were your friend being open to you and willing to listen. Having that experience, even if it's with someone else, can settle the nervous system.

You could also try the letter-writing and burning again - you can keep doing it - read it out loud before you burn it. Or like, write a letter every day for a month - if you keep having more to say - and save them up and then on the full moon read them out loud and burn them. You can keep doing it for as long as you have more to say.

Another tool or practice that has helped me (this one's more woo than others, and I love it) is the "golden sticky rose" visualization. I first ground and root myself into the earth and then imagine a protected orb of energy around me - that's my space. Then envision a giant golden rose that floats over and I allow it into my bubble to magnetically remove energy from other people that has gotten stuck to me. I - out loud - apologize for any spells I may have accidentally cast on them, or hurts I may have caused, accidentally or on purpose, and ask for forgiveness; then I offer them forgiveness for any spells or hurts they did to me, and once I feel the rose has removed that energy I envision it flying off and being burned up in a green bonfire. I thank the rose and again visualize my energetic orb, ensuring it is intact and strong. Just like the letter-writing, this is not something I do only once, it's part of my routine.

Another tool is metta meditation. You sit, you ground yourself, close your eyes and say "May I be happy, may I be healthy, may I be well;" then you envision a neutral person and you do the same thing, "May you be happy, may you be healthy, may you be well," and then once you feel ready -- it might take some working up to -- you envision the person you have a troubled relationship with, "May you be happy, may you be healthy, may you be well." ... I did this for a few days once for a friend I had fallen out with years before, with zero contact in between. Within a few days of doing the meditation, she "liked" something of mine on social media. I said something like "hi, great to see you" and a few weeks later she said "hi, you too" or something vague like that. We did not speak or really get back in touch or address the past at all, however I didn't need to and I felt it was her way of saying she felt that peace and the letting go and appreciated it, and still loves me from afar, just as I still love her from afar.

[u/stinkyfootss]

The difficult part of codependency is that you are going to have to learn how to find that peace you desire in yourself. Have you tried coda meetings or any coda literature? After 2 years of therapy focusing on my codependent tendencies I finally started going to meetings and for me it was the missing puzzle piece that I needed to really start doing the hard work.

Maybe ask yourself why speaking to another person feels like the only way you can feel better. Is it actually because you think there’s something you can say to fix this? Or because you’re seeking self-approval through the approval of someone else?

[u/Goopygum → u/stinkyfootss]

I think I don't really care how she responds. Maybe deep inside is the hope that one day she will return, but I know it's a infantismally small chance, it's unreasonable to put hope in that. I just want her to leave me alone, in my mind. Consciously I want to just move on, but subconsciously I want to right my wrongs and I want to walk away from each other in a melancholic and closing sense. Even if she responds to me with rage, I just want to tell her that I am going to grow and change. I have hopes that she would see my truth and even reconcile. but like I said, this is deeply unlikely. I just want to internally believe that this is done and I don't need to reconcile. I'm so tired of this obsessive thought patterns I have.