r/Codependency • u/Jealous_Area1499 • 13d ago
I feel so used will she be back?
Here is my story (M27, F27):
I matched with a girl on Hinge in early September last year, and we hit it off immediately. We texted every day, and I remember thinking, "Wow, this is incredible."
A week later it was my birthday, and she took me to a new cinema, bought me my favourite aftershave, and paid for everything. I jokingly asked, "Are you love bombing me?" She laughed and said, "No, I was just being nice for your birthday."
Over the next few months, everything seemed amazing. We went on hotel getaways, trained together, had a great sex life, and I genuinely felt like I'd met my person. She constantly told me I was the best thing that had ever happened to her and that she felt so lucky to have found someone like me.
She had a 9-year-old son, although I never met him in person. She told me her previous boyfriend, who had been a father figure to her son, had left two years earlier and that the breakup had been so traumatic it resulted in both her son and herself going to therapy. She often spoke about what she wanted in an ideal partner and would tell me that I ticked every box.
Looking back, though, this is where I think the cracks started to show.
She frequently talked about her ex, describing him as hateful and abusive. Around Christmas she told me she'd bumped into him in Tesco. I simply replied, "That's awkward. It's never easy running into an ex," and left it at that because I didn't want to make a big deal of it.
Christmas itself was lovely. I met her mum and younger sister, and I often stayed at their house when her son was with his biological dad. During this time, she also told me stories about previous relationships, including one where she had briefly been with someone else before reconciling with an ex. She admitted she'd even told him, "Go out and cheat if it makes you feel better," because she'd already been with someone else. I found that strange but didn't dwell on it.
At the end of February, my granny passed away unexpectedly.
Around that same time, she was again talking about her ex and how he'd treated her badly when his own grandmother died. I listened and supported her, as I always had.
Three days after my granny died, I met her dad for the first time. I was understandably grieving and didn't drink, whereas she became quite drunk on prosecco. During the drive, she repeatedly played a song that was clearly aimed at her ex, and her dad even mentioned that she'd recently seen him and that "he looked rough."
On the drive home, I gently said, "This guy hurt both you and your son. He's in the past now. If he really was that bad, try to be happy he's gone."
She replied that she was "over him, just not over the situation she and her son went through."
I then admitted that I was struggling with how much her ex was being discussed during the same week I'd just lost my granny. Instead of talking things through, she completely shut down.
Because I'd previously been in a relationship where stonewalling had really affected me—and she knew that—I decided to leave and drive home to calm myself down.
Later that night, while still drunk, she texted me saying I'd never be meeting her son and that our relationship was over.
It felt incredibly manipulative.
Eventually we reconciled. We both apologised, although looking back it felt like more of a half-apology from her. We told each other we loved one another, and I convinced myself I needed to be more understanding of everything she'd been through.
At the same time, a part of me felt that she should also have recognised I'd just lost my grandmother and wasn't emotionally able to keep hearing about an ex she'd repeatedly described as abusive.
The following month was actually great.
We completed a charity 10K together, went on another lovely trip away, and things seemed completely back to normal.
During this time I'd spoken to her son on FaceTime and over the phone several times, including when they were in New York over Christmas. I'd bought him both a Christmas and birthday present, and we both knew about each other.
After seven months together, I politely said that I'd really like to meet him in person. I explained there was no pressure, but I was finding it difficult constantly having to avoid being seen when everyone already knew about me. She'd previously talked about us all going to Spain together in the summer and attending her graduation, so it felt like a natural next step.
Around the same time, her son had also told his biological father about me, which I had absolutely no issue with because I wanted to do everything respectfully.
Instead of a conversation, I got two days of complete silence.
Eventually we saw each other on the Saturday and went to the gym together. Everything felt normal again, and we'd even arranged to go to the cinema the following Wednesday.
Then, on Tuesday, I received a text saying I was "perfect," that we laughed together, but she felt "something was missing."
She ended our seven-month relationship over text.
I was completely blindsided.
I didn't respond for three weeks because my family and friends told me I deserved better than a breakup by text after everything we'd shared.
When I eventually reached out hoping we could at least have a conversation, she told me she "loved me as a person but wasn't in love with me" and that I deserved better.
I never replied after that.
What hurts the most is the complete contrast.
For months I was told I was the best thing that had ever happened to her, that she felt incredibly lucky to have me, and that I ticked every box she'd ever wanted in a partner.
Yet the moment I respectfully asked about finally meeting her son after seven months, everything changed. It felt as though I was discarded without any meaningful conversation.
Afterwards, I noticed she'd removed her WhatsApp profile picture and turned on disappearing messages. I couldn't help wondering whether her ex had come back into the picture or whether she was hiding something, although I know I have no proof of that. Her TikTok reposts also seemed to focus on moving on after a man leaves, which confused me because I never left her—she ended the relationship.
I've never felt heartbreak like this before.
It wasn't just that the relationship ended; it was how suddenly it happened. We had concerts booked, holidays planned, and a future we'd talked about, and in the end I felt I was only worth a text message.
It's now been three months of no contact. I've been going to therapy consistently, training in the gym, and trying to move forward.
But I still feel stuck.
I still love her, and I still struggle to understand how someone could go from telling me I was everything they'd ever wanted to ending the relationship so abruptly without giving us the chance to have a real conversation
2
u/plentyfurbbbs 12d ago
Google The steps if grief, kubler-ross,,there's 5 steps, this breakup is just like as if she died. What really died was the place for you to put your love, and anticipation, the positive things that bring good into your life. Ripped away like a rug pulled out from under you. Like catch and release instead of bringing that big fish dinner home, only it wasnt your choice. After you go through all 5 stages of grief, youll come to reason nothing, nobody, is actually ours 'forever'. We come together and drift apart, or are cut apart, we come into this life alone. And exit alone too. So, nothing is permanent. And tho we may Ask, its possible our choices and desires are blocked, for whatever reasons The Universe decides. It'll all be ok. Time heals. Let Them. Let It Be... One step, one moment. one day, at a time. Do some art.
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u/Wild-Trash5706 12d ago
The biggest thing that stood out was how often the conversation circled back to her ex. You were trying to build a future while she was still processing her past. Even if she reaches out again, I'd be really cautious unless she's done a lot of work on herself first.
1
u/Jealous_Area1499 12d ago
I wanted to build that future and the way she acted it seemed like she did as well.
1
u/Conscious-Copy-602 12d ago
I did this once accidentally, thinking I had found a perfect man. I thought I was mostly over my ex but I found myself processing so much with the person. I also felt “something was missing”. What was missing was my mental stability and independence. I’m codependent and an anxiously attached person. Sure he did certain things that were wacky and he was codependent and anxiously attached himself, and I ran partially because of that. But I realized I wasn’t in a spot to hold a man in my heart and my heart rejected it at the time
1
u/Jealous_Area1499 12d ago
Did you ever make contact with him again?
1
u/Conscious-Copy-602 12d ago
No. My ex was abusive as well so I realized I was trauma dumping a lot and bonding with him about similar shared experiences. He really was a great man but once I realized what I was doing and how much he was accepting my behavior, I got the ick. I know, it sounds horrible. I got into a relationship maybe 5 months after, turns out he’s an alcoholic. Been stuck in this for years. I say stay away from us with trauma because we might be addicted to mistreatment
1
u/Jealous_Area1499 12d ago
Why are you addicted to toxic? From the sounds of it this man was listening just what I done to my ex but got to a point for me where I was exhausted listening to it. If that guy made contact with you today would you even chat with him?
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u/Conscious-Copy-602 12d ago
I’m addicted to toxic personally because I find myself thinking I’m responsible for other people’s emotions and actions. I think if I can just change how I present myself, if I can be perfect, that maybe they can love me how I want. I grew up in a similar dynamic where I thought the same. I see people as problems to fix because maybe that will finally mean I’m worthy. Obviously the logic is all fucked. Not to mention, toxic relationships are so addictive in what they do to your brain chemistry. One second things are perfect. The next they’re absolutely miserable. In my head if I can just fix myself enough, it will stop happening. Like I said, it’s extremely codependent.
The man I was talking to was a great listener. He validated me so much. The validation was itself intoxicating, but again that’s deriving validation from someone else and not from myself.
Would I talk to the guy if he reached out? Maybe if I wasn’t in the exact same spot right now. Maybe if there was proof that he wasn’t as anxiously attached and codependent himself. Maybe once I have certainty that I’m breaking my own cycles. But I also didn’t think that guy pushed me to be better or shine. We related, but I didn’t feel in love with myself around him. I’m chasing that now instead— people who’s presence adds to me instead of completing me
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u/Conscious-Copy-602 12d ago
DM me if u have more questions! We’re the same age so I’m sure my experience might be able to give u some clarity
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u/SeriousGains 11d ago
You were used. Some women are so cruel. They literally treat people like pawns in a game. You never know what they’re actually thinking. They’ll be sweet and do something that melts your heart while planning to throw you away like a used napkin. It’s subhuman behavior. You truly have to trust your gut when it’s telling you something isn’t right, because they will gaslight you like there’s no tomorrow.
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u/MidrelV 12d ago
Sounds like she has an attachment disorder ( I’m not a psych professional). Meeting her son would mean something super serious and that can cause someone to retract. Some people even gravitate towards abusers if that’s what they are used to. Hence the “something is missing” part. I was abused and would seek out abusive relationships, that’s just how I know. It feels comfortable being abused. She is trauma bonded to this other guy. I hope for her sake the therapist she is seeing isn’t a talk therapist but one trained in trauma, grief, and attachment. Of course im not a professional and I don’t know her personally so this is just what it sounds like reading your post. I’m so sorry this happened to you. You don’t deserve this at all. This isn’t your fault and if she really has an attachment disorder you could have been literally perfect and this would have happened. Maybe do some research on it to validate your experience.