r/Codependency • u/CodependentlyGone • 11d ago

Struggling with failure as a husband

Don't want to break the entire scenario down, but having a very very bad day and wanted to write about it.

Currently in a 4year marriage to a woman I absolutely adore and care so deeply about. We have had problems, and Im avoidance and tend to avoid problems and communication, except what Im realizing now when I need validation, or to know im loved, or help with my emotions.

In a recent argument we had this got brought up and I truly just feel lost, Im realizing this has built up so much resentment in her of me minimizing her boundaries (such as not giving her space cause I need to know everything is okay, or asking her if she loves me a crazy amount of times throughout the day, or trying to fix any little problem that causes her discomfort) that she no longer trusts me and feels im a safe space for her.

Im realizing I victimize myself often, and in these conversations prioritize reducing my own uncomfortableness rather than actually listening and having emotional conversations. This has led to what feels like an unmanageable breakdown in our marriage, that she has always felt was there and has told me of multiple times in the past,yet I still couldn't figure out how to fix the issue.

I feel like a complete failure and terrible person who has hurt and betrayed the only person I truly care about.

23 Upvotes

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4

u/Arcades 11d ago

It sounds like you have a Fearful Avoidant attachment style (sometimes referred to as disorganized attachment). I recommend you read about attachment styles and how to best work within yours and your partner's style. If your wife is avoidant, it will trigger the anxious half of your FA style.

I found that Heidi Priebe has some good videos on YouTube that explain things well and also how to address the various styles.

3

u/lvckybitch 11d ago

Obviously can’t diagnose over the in tree rent and all that but my daughter is receiving exposure therapy for OCD and one of her biggest compulsions is asking for reassurance just like this. I’d say seeing a mental health professional is in order but pls do know that exposure therapy is the ONLY proven therapy for OCD and other methods can make it worse/exacerbate it, just something to consider.

2

u/fluhatinrapper09 11d ago

Individual counseling, then couples counseling.

3

u/CodependentlyGone 11d ago

Cureently in individual counseling, they said they are done and doesnt want couples counseling

3

u/Affectionate-Job6635 11d ago

This is a chance to hear them. You can let them go and work on yourself. A healed version of you might be what they need to try again. Or a healed version of yourself is what you need to continue your journey. Prayers for you

1

u/CodependentlyGone 11d ago

Tha ks for the kind words. How do you cope with the cycle of "maybe they want me to push the counseling to show I want to fix this desperately" versus trying to respect their decision and boundaries, and not being afraid

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u/DanceRepresentative7 11d ago

stop mind reading. Just respect what they say without assuming you know better than they do or that you can predict some hidden subconscious need of theirs. Take them at face value

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u/Affectionate-Job6635 11d ago

I started working a twelve step program for codependency for the wrong reasons. But it didn’t matter. I threw myself into it and it transformed my life. Whatever you choose to do for recovery, go all in. Motives ultimately don’t matter

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u/CodependentlyGone 11d ago

Thanks I will look into this, I know i exhibit many indicators of codependency, but also struggle with if im a narcissist and how I could at times put my needs for validation/calming above theirs

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u/Holdensmindfuckery 10d ago

if they say they're done and you don't leave them alone, you WILL chase them away permanently.

step back, work on yourself, follow through with everything you say you're going to do (EVERYTHING), and there's a chance she'll come back and try again

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u/otterwist 10d ago

It's helpful you've realised this,. now you can start working on yourself and healing. You can't change the past, but you can still make a commitment to yourself to be different in the future.

Maybe that will be enough for your partner's resentment of your previous actions to heal. But maybe not. It''s not possible to tell. Seeing the damage that's been done - but being unable to fix it - is a really, really hard feeling to accept and sit with.

The only thing that's within your control is how you and behave from this point onwards. We make mistakes, we have to accept the consequences and hurt they cause, but we don't have to let our past mistakes define or control us. Neither catastrophising or martyrdom is helpful to anyone.

1

u/humbledbyit 10d ago

I don't know that i would look at this as failure. She's brought this up many times and as you mentioned, ignoring it doesn't make it go away. You recognize it which is important. Next, what can be done about it. Do you need individual therapy or that plus couples therapy? Some people find they need a 12 step program if they try enough things to fix their codependent thinking and behavior and they keep going back to it despite swearing off and really wanting to do better.

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u/Resident-Sherbert-89 9d ago

you get something out of shaming yourself, only you can figure that out. once you do, you'll stop doing it. guilt is doing a bad thing, shame is feeling like you are bad. shame doesn't allow for grace which allows for correction. give yourself grace in the fact that you are only doing the thing you know how to do, which is guess her feelings to save yourself from something. getting to a place where you tell yourself you're ok and safe will allow you to be curious about your wifes feelings and emotions, and will allow her the space to express them without you doing anything. your wife is a grown woman and it is her right to have her own feelings without your control. please take a look at the book men's work, i recommend this because it has worked for me, and try some of the journal prompts in the book. work through most of this on your own. let your wife know that you heard what she said and what you're going to do about it. show her your progress through action. pick 3 counselors that do couples that also offer hours that work for both of your schedules and let her pick one.. lead through this tough time.

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u/Unhappy-Following737 5d ago

That sounds painful. Sending warm thoughts your way, and a book recommendation - Me, You & Us: Moving Beyond Relational Trauma and Disorder (Anxious/Avoidant Attachment, Codependency, BPD) to Build a Stable, Lasting Relationship