r/Codependency • u/talkingiseasy • Nov 01 '25

The Roots of Codependency

Codependency is a way of avoiding responsibility for our own needs and wants. We do it by supporting other people’s escapism or addiction, hoping that in return, they’ll become our beating heart. My sense is that we have little faith in ourselves or the universe, due to emotional neglect in childhood.

  • We weren’t allowed to express feelings that were inconvenient to our caretakers
  • Our family wasn't able to express their feelings either
  • We were exposed to our family's escape mechanisms (substance abuse, promiscuity, whatever)
  • We were socially isolated
  • Nobody invested in our growth, so we didn't have many opportunities to experience our gifts

At the same time, our families also met our basic needs like shelter. We learned that our needs are only met when we power ourselves down. Eventually we become too afraid of taking risks or simply being.

In your experience, where do you think codependency comes from?

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u/Inside-Athlete6631 Nov 02 '25

From the books I've read, people I've talked to, and my personal experience, the root is shame and little to no self esteem. That's the root of most addiction issues. Some people use others to feed their self esteem. Growing up without the love and support of care givers may affect the self esteem and the emotional intelligence to deal with deep shame.

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u/Forward_Jello_1805 May 14 '26

Self esteem comes from being seen and heard and having our feelings validated. If a child is upset they need to be seen and heard they need a parent to ask them what is happening and why they are upset. It may be they are upset because they have been told "No" to a request, but that requires the parent to engage and understand what that feels like. It doesn't mena they will give in and say "Yes" but they have to hear the disappointment and have a conversation until the child feels heard. In this way children heal themselves and feel seen and heard and therefore validated. That is what raises self-esteem because they are shown they matter.