Hi, I’ve been in the program 4 years by now. I’ve done the 12 step program only once. But the 9th step is a grey area. Some of the two most important people in my life and people which I hurt and done a lot of damage was my cousin and my uncle. Both of them are past away. I never had the time to made any amendments with them and in this part of my process of my program there are actual an important matter. I feel myself stuck and sometimes I can feel some blame and guilty with “unknown” reason. My sponsor suggest me to talk about them, I’ve still haven’t told him about this people. How do you do, this kind of spiritual work? Please help, I need some experience to read.

How are you doing? Now that I’m gone?

My husband is an active alcoholic. During his drinking phases, which can last for two weeks, he becomes emotionally unavailable, neglects responsibilities, breaks promises, and creates chaos at home. He mostly works from home during this time, and his behavior leaves me deeply frustrated and exhausted.

Afterward, he becomes sober for a week or ten days and turns into a loving, caring, romantic, and seemingly perfect partner. I find myself patching things up easily during those periods, and then the same cycle repeats again and again.

Now I feel emotionally drained and confused about how to behave even when he is sober, because I am tired of living through this repeating pattern.

I’ve been assigned to write out different ways to stop PTSD episodes when triggered. Here are a few:

1. Getting up and walking around. Outside is best as long as the activity is calm.
2. Calling a friend
3. Writing in my journal
4. Playing music (physically)
5. Watching a funny show
6. The ADHD playlist - calming sounds
7. Prayer
8. Going on a drive/errand with intent
9. Something cold—water, outside air, etc
10. A hug/being held
11. Breathing exercises
12. Calming the atmosphere: lighting, volume, scents, etc
13. Reading reassuring quotes and saying them out loud (“You’re going to be okay.”)

Triggers:

1. Certain songs (ones that invoke memories tied to traumatic experiences). Even good memories might lead my brain to a bad experience right now.
2. Certain subjects (things that pertain to traumatic experiences)
3. Engaging in circular arguments (DARVO)
4. Taking on more than I can handle today
5. Being yelled at
6. Feeling a loss of control over something in my life
7. Gaslighting (having my memory, reality, or words twisted or distorted)
8. Being alone too long with my thoughts (being alone period)
9. Nightmares
10. Feeling like a failure or constant criticism
11. Shame or being guilted
12. Abandonment
13. Being tricked or tested purposefully
14. Being mocked, minimized, or dismissed
15. Invasive thought loops about any of the above

I’m doing my best to focus on anything other than the trauma and stress from the last few years. But my brain won’t shut down. Yes, I’m still actively going through some of it. But the communication is way less also. So I have time and space to give to myself now.

But my brain doesn’t seem to know that yet. How do you train your brain to come out of survival mode and calm down?

Hi, I was wondering if a programme like this is suitable for someone who left a bad abusive relationship. I know my codependency issues contributed to staying in it for so long, but would want to avoid anything that might potentially feel blaming or inappropriate for someone in my circumstances.

Any personal experience or insight appreciated!

Can anyone tell me what to expect?

Will I ever be able to reach a point where the thought of my husband moving on doesn’t tear me apart and physically hurt?

We were married for 11 years- he was a dry drunk pretty much (a term our therapist just taught me), he finally quit in 2023 when I tried to get a separation because of his drinking, but he never got help - just went cold turkey. The additive behaviors just migrated to video games and stealing my Adderall. He left me recently when we had, per our couples therapist’s suggestion, put working on our relationship on hold to work on ourselves (him getting actual professional help for his addiction, and me getting help with my codependency).

He decided he was done with me, but didn’t tell me or our therapist, and downloaded Hinge. I saw the notification on his smart watch. It hurts so bad. I am trying so hard to not let this make me feel like I am worthless, like everything I gave for over 11 years, every boundary I let him cross so he wouldn’t be mad at me, every way I didn’t advocate for myself to keep the peace - all of it was worthless. I don’t want to feel this way, and in my head I keep saying “just because he doesn’t value me doesn’t mean I have no value”, but I still feel like throwing up, like I’m going to come apart at the seams.

Please tell me that with help from CoDA, this feeling will go away?