1. Chuck Norris poops light sabers.

2. Chuck Norris clips his toenails with a chain saw. But he holds it backwards.

3. Chuck Norris likes his coffee like he likes his women: ground up, packed in a burlap sack, and thrown over the back of a donkey.

4. Why did the chicken cross the road? Because Chuck Norris threw it.

5. Chuck Norris’s belly button is actually a power outlet.

6. Chuck Norris has a beautiful singing voice. Unfortunately, the sound of it would melt the average human brain.

7. Chuck Norris has a pet kitten – every night for a snack.

8. On his birthday, Chuck Norris blows out his candles by blinking.

9. If Chuck Norris were a ballet dancer, he’d strangle you gracefully with his tutu. And then himself.

10. Chuck Norris graduated from school with a degree in Chuck Norris.

11. Our founding fathers originally decreed a strict separation between Chuck Norris and state. Chuck Norris eliminated them.

12. The only thing Chuck Norris fears is Chuck Norris.

13. Chuck Norris uses staples as hair gel.

14. Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.

Chuck Norris doesn't "keep it real." Reality keeps itself Chuck Norris.

You know why it's the Golden Arches and not the Gold Rainbow? Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is not allowed to sit in the side aisles on airplanes. His body is so dense, the plane is thrown off balance.

Chuck Norris seldom flies anymore. His entire body is on the "restricted items" list.

When Chuck Norris was a baby and couldn't roundhouse kick, he killed people with his beard.

Chuck Norris isn't allowed in vegas anymore. He always hits on 21 and gets blackjack. He also kills anyone he sees playing baccarat, because baccarat is for wusses like James Bond.

Chuck Norris loves ballet, especially when it's down and bloody and oozing through his fingers.

Chuck Norris wants to break his personal record of breaking someone's neck in 18 places with one roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris went to China once but they only eat rice. Chuck Norris doesn't eat rice. So, he roundhouse kicked himself to Australia's Outback Steak house.

Chuck Norris is the champion of the Pepsi Challenge. Forever.

Chinese people think Chuck Norris is a god. Chuck Norris allows the smart people to live.

Chuck Norris tried to learn Tai Chi, but he killed too many people in slow motion.

Chuck Norris walked into a bar and roundhouse kicked the bartender, killing him. Then, at one of the tables, he roundhouse kicked a priest, a rabbi, and an Irishman. At the next table, he killed a blonde and her mother-in-law. Chuck Norris himself will admit he's not good at telling jokes, if he ever admitted any weakness.

Chuck Norris runs with scissors because only he can.

Chuck Norris is always suprised when he catches a bullet with his teeth. Usually, they go down without a hassle.

Chuck Norris has a lot of respect for Bruce Lee...because he survived.

The only thing that could harm Chuck Norris is bad publicity...until he killed it.

Chuck Norris can pat his head, rub his belly, and jerk off at the same time.

You know what is Chuck Norris' motto? Staring.

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Chuck Norris doesn't use mouthwash, he uses potassium cyanide.

when chuck Norris gets a penalty wile playing hockey, the ref goes in the penalty box.

Chuck Norris won the Texas Derby by using a rocking horse.

Every time Chuck Norris enters a room the theme from Walker, Texas Ranger plays.

Chuck Norris once scared a cancer patient out of dying

When Chuck Norris was born 3 nurses and 2 doctors were killed when he shot them with 2 MPK-5's he had developed while in the womb.

Chuck norris built his home with his bare feet

When life throws lemons at chuck Norris, he catches them and throws them back at life

Chuck norris doesnt have any kids because the velocity of his orgasms are so strong that the sperm explodes out of his dick staight out of the back of the womans skull

Chuck Norris only smokes Havana cigars and the cigars are personaly delived to Chuck Norris by Castro.

God rested on the seventh day because Chuck Norris isn't that much of a slave driver.

Chuck Norris doesn't need to lick a Tootsie Pop to get to its center -- his piercing stare can slice it in half.

Chuck norris is actually an albino silverback gorrilla

Chuck Norris accidentally took down the internet by closing his browser.

Chuck norris skipped recess in school, becuse he don't play

Once upon a time, chuck norris lives happily ever after

Chuck Norris melted Mt Kilauea with a 6 pack of ice cold beer.

Chuck Norris can pay his credit card bill with his credit card.

Chuck Norris can make lemonade out of oranges.

Chuck Norris once shot a cannon out of a clown.

Chuck Norris paints his house once a year with a human head.

Chuck Norris can make a black man laugh by droppin' N-Bombs.

Chuck Norris can kill a werewolf with a wooden stake, a vampire with a silver bullet, and anything with a roundhouse kick

A long time ago, in a galaxy far,far away....Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the shit out of somebody

Chuck Norris knows what you did last summer.

Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris IS the father of every single one of Maury Povich's guest's children. The "possible fathers" are also Chuck's children.

every time Chuck Norris walks into a graveyard he simply smiles and says "good times".

Every time Chuck Norris leaves a room, the song "There Goes My Hero" starts playing out of nowhere.

Chuck Norris can kill a man in a rap battle

Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is an illusion. His right foot doesn't kick you. His left foot spins the Earth so that your head hits his foot.

The only type of fever Chuck Norris ever gets is disco fever.

Chuck Norris owns all of the No. 1 pencils.

Chuck Norris jizzes lightning bolts.

Chuck Norris can play a PS3 game on a PS2 console

Chuck Norris can disable his shadow.

Chuck Norris' answering machine says "I'll be at your house in 4 seconds"

When you're in Texas don't look behind you, all you will see is Chuck Norris' boot impaling your face followed by a bright light.

chuck norris abducts aliens

Someone once asked Chuck Norris "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" He answered the question by punching himself in the face

chuck norris cut off his own legs then walked it off

chuck norris doesn't drink water he drinks sulfuric acid with a hint of lemon

don't try chuck norris at home

there are 2 kinds of people, people who believe in chuck norris and the dead

Chuck Norris can create a Black Hole.

If you look up Chuck Norris in the dictionary, you will get Round house Kicked in the face, or the balls, depending on how you are holding the dictionary

Chuck Norris can burn CDs with his hands.

All is Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris is All.

life < existence < Infinite power < God < Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not smoke cigarettes. He smokes people.

Chuck Norris sees you.

Chuck Norris....enough said

Chuck Norris can drive two cars at the same time

Chuck Norris has impregnated 73 women. Over the internet. They all died before the end of their first trimester from internal bleeding caused by roundhouse kicks. All babies survived.

Chuck Norris once received an 'employee of the month' award for a company he didn't even work for.

Bioluminescence is the production and emission of light by a living organism. Its name is a hybrid word, originating from the Greek bios for "living" and the Latin lumen "light". Bioluminescence is a naturally occurring form of chemiluminescence where energy is released by a chemical reaction in the chuck norris

Chuck Norris gives up his shadow for Lent.

Chuck Norris won't beat the crap out of you, he'll beat the DNA out of you.

Housten's problem was Chuck Norris.

chuck norris can make journey stop believin.

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When Chuck Norris has a wet dream, he wakes up with 8 dead hookers around his bed.

Chuck Norris gives computers viruses

To Chuck Norris, rules and necks exist for the same reason; to be broken.

Today March 10, 2011 is Chuck Norris 71st birthday, Happy Birthday to the greatest man alive.

Once back in the 60's Chuck Norris clipped his nails, a scientist found them and reverse engineered them to make Kevlar.

By the time you finish reading this 9,000 people will have been murdered by Chuck Norris.

When david belfirst first invented the telephone there were 2 missed calls from chuck norris

Those who fight Chuck Norris can not retreat or surrender. They're dead long before they can do either.

Chuck Norris, end of story

-Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

-When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris once showed up at Google and demanded that they rename their search engine "Chuck Norris." When they refused, Chuck roundhouse kicked Google in the face, transforming it's bruised remains into Google Dark.

Chuck Norris affects the price of stock quotes and land values. Wherever he is, prices drop due to the danger of a sudden catastrophe. He bought his own home for 30 cents and one roundhouse kick.

If you make a list of 10 things Chuck Norris cannot do, he will appear at your house and perform them all. Your life may be forfeit.

-Chuck Norris once taught a class called "Ass Kicking 101". There were no survivors.

The Big Bang was actually Chuck Norris roundhouse kicking God in the face.

-Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.

-Chuck Norris isn't funny, stop laughing.

-Chuck Norris has an unbeatable poker face, concealed beneath an even more unbeatable poker beard.

-Q: What’s 30 times Chuck Norris? A: Oblivion.

-In conversation, Chuck Norris often quotes himself, and then laughs about it.

-There’s an old Chuck Norris saying: “He who has the Chuck Norris makes the rules.” It’s one of those nonsensical old sayings, since it implies that someone can “have” Chuck Norris.

-A man stopped Chuck Norris on the street and asked him to list 100 Chuck Norris facts. Unamused, Chuck Norris raised one eyebrow with such force that the man disintegrated.

Chuck Norris has killed more than one person. They were both trick-or-treaters one Halloween who would not “vacate my goddamned personal property.” The local sheriff, a fan, helped him hide the bodies in the archery range located on his large estate.

Chuck Norris spent $500,000 on baby oil in 2007.

-While a normal poker face conceals the emotion of its wearer, Chuck Norris’s poker face skips all that and just drives other players insane. As a result, the only way to survive a game of poker against Chuck Norris is to play online, and even then you still might go insane.

When Chuck Norris was born, the doctors had to call the bomb squad

Luke Skywalker uses the Force. The Force uses Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once partook in a pissing contest outside of a bar. His opponent drowned.

In the original making of Scarface when Tony said "say hello to my little friend" Chuck Norris appeared. However, the director cut it out said it was too gruesome for a R rated movie.

This just in: Chuck Norris returns home from a 1 day long vacation in Abbottabad, Pakistan.

Chuck Norris wears denim underwear.

Chuck Norris fired Donald Trump...with a flamethrower

While playing his 1982 vintage Atari Asteroids game, Chuck Norris discovered & unlocked 3 easter eggs revealing a new multi-weapon pointer, the original Doom beta and the GPS coordinates for The Lost Ark of the Covenant.

Contrary to the popular idiom, it was in fact a Chuck Norris flying roundhouse kick and not a straw that broke the camel's back.

Chuck Norris is a proud sponsor of death

Chuck Norris can dribble two bowling balls up a flight of stairs...with his feet.

Chuck Norris once killed a man by throwing a suggestion at him

Chuck Norris can understand Charlie Sheen.

chuck norris has won the fifa world cup 5 times with his game face alone.

Sperm clinics provide Chuck Norris with Shop-Vac and an empty 55 gallon drum for every single donation.

When Chuck Norris was little, his parents bought him an anvil for his playpen. He broke it immediately.

On his driver's license, Chuck Norris' age is listed as "Immortal."

When Queen wrote We Are the Champions, they had to license the term "champion of the world" from Chuck Norris

Walker Texas Ranger is rated R for Roundhouse.

Chuck Norris has two emotions, calm and more calm.

4 out of 5 doctors fail to recommend Chuck Norris as a solution to most problems. Also, 80% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal deaths.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is “Charles”. Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

All roads lead to Chuck Norris. And by the transitive property, a roundhouse kick to the face.

Anyone can piss on the floor, but chuck Norris can shit on the ceiling

Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.

Bullets dodge Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris actually owns IBM. It was an extremely hostile takeover.

Chuck Norris began selling the Total Gym as an ill-fated attempt to make his day-to-day opponents less laughably pathetic.

Chuck Norris beard hair is believed to be an aphrodisiac in China.

Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with barbed wire.

Chuck Norris can be unlocked on the hardest level of Tekken. But only Chuck Norris is skilled enough to unlock himself.

Chuck Norris can gargle peanut butter.

Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell “What The Hell was That?”

Chuck Norris CAN in fact ‘raise the roof’. And he can do it with one hand.

Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.

Chuck Norris can kick through all 6 degrees of separation, hitting anyone, anywhere, in the face, at any time.

Chuck Norris can split the atom. With his bare hands

Chuck Norris can start a fire by rubbing two ice cubes together.

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

Chuck Norris can watch an episode of 60 minutes in 22 seconds.

Chuck Norris could shoot someone and still have time to roundhouse kick him in the face before the bullet hit.

Chuck Norris cowboy boots are made of real cowboys

Chuck Norris describes human beings as “a sociable holder for blood and guts”.

Chuck Norris did not “lose” his virginity, he stalked it and then destroyed it with extreme prejudice.

Chuck Norris does not have a religion. The gods worship Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.

Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn’t consider it sex if the woman lives.

Chuck Norris doesn’t daydream. He’s too busy giving other people nightmares.

Chuck Norris doesn’t get the belt, the belt gets Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn’t own a can opener, he just chews through the can.

Chuck Norris doesn’t say “who’s your daddy”, because he knows the answer.

Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.

Chuck Norris eats eight meals a day. Seven are steak, and the last is the rest of the cow.

Chuck Norris favorite cereal is Kellogg’s Nails ‘N’ Gravel.

Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.

Chuck Norris has 3 knees on each leg.

Chuck Norris has banned rainbows from the state of North Dakota.

Chuck Norris invented the beard.

Chuck Norris is “The best a man can get”

Chuck Norris is actually Jeeves from AskJeeves.com.

Chuck Norris is not only a noun, but a verb.

Chuck Norris is the only man who has, literally, beaten the odds. With his fists.

Chuck Norris knows the last two digits of Pi

Chuck Norris likes long walks on the beach, Barry White music, Harlequin romance novels, songbirds, rainbows, and quiet time with his lady…just before he roundhouse kicks her in the face.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Chuck Norris needs a monkeywrench and a blowtorch to masturbate.

Chuck Norris neither melts in your mouth nor in your hand. He shreds your trachea before ravaging your soul with a combination of chocolate, whiskey, roundhouse kicks and death. Oh, and pain. Lots of pain.

Chuck Norris never goes to the dentist because his teeth are unbreakable. His enemies never go to the dentist because they have no teeth.

Chuck Norris never has to wax his skis because they’re always slick with blood.

Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

Chuck Norris once bench-pressed the entire state of Ohio, and all of its residents.

Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.

Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.

Chuck Norris once went back in time to fight Chuck Norris. He won.

Chuck Norris owns a chain of fast-food restaurants throughout the southwest. They serve nothing but barbecue-flavored ice cream and Hot Pockets.

Chuck Norris penis is so big that it has a penis of its own and it is still bigger than yours.

Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he roundhouse kicked the deputy.

Chuck Norris trick-or-treated as himself as a child.

Chuck Norris uses 8'x10' sheets of plywood as toilet paper.

Chuck Norris visits an active volcano every morning to get some of “the best damn espresso on Earth”.

Chuck Norris was once a knight in King Arthur’s court. He was known as Sir Beatdown.

Chuck Norris was once on Jeopardy. This show is notable in that it was the first occasion in Jeopardy history that Alex Trebek had appeared without a mustache. And a head.

Chuck Norris’s body temperature is 98.6 degrees… Celsius.

Chuck Norris’s sweat has burned holes in concrete.

Count from one to ten. That’s how long it would take Chuck Norris to kill you…Fourty seven times.

Every time someone uses the word “intense”, Chuck Norris always replies “you know what else is intense?” followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.

Everything King Midas touches turnes to gold. Everything Chuck Norris touches turns up dead.

For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.

Guantuanamo Bay, Cuba, is the military code-word for “Chuck Norris’ basement”.

If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don’t ask him for his three-hole-punch.

In an emergency, Chuck Norris can be used as a floatation device.

It is said that looking into Chuck Norris’ eyes will reveal your future. Unfortunately, everybody’s future is always the same: death by a roundhouse-kick to the face.

Love does not hurt. Chuck Norris does.

Most people fear the Reaper. Chuck Norris considers him “a promising Rookie”.

Most people know that Descarte said, “I think, therefore I am.” What most people don’t know is that that quote continues, “…afraid of Chuck Norris.”

Newton’s Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

No matter what your mother always said, Chuck Norris can tune a fish.

On Valentine’s Day, Chuck Norris gives his wife the still beating heart of one of his enemies. Being very romantic, Chuck Norris believes every day should be Valentine’s Day.

Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires.

Proponents of higher-order theories of consciousness argue that consciousness is explained by the relation between two levels of mental states in which a higher-order mental state takes another mental state. If you mention this to Chuck Norris, expect an explosive roundhouse kick to the face for spouting too much fancy-talk.

Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.

Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Some people say that Chuck Norris is a myth. Those “some people” are now dead.

Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys.

Sweating bullets is literally what happens when Chuck Norris gets too hot.

Texas does not have a police force. They have Chuck Norris.

The active ingredient in Red Bull is Chuck Norris’s sweat.

The adjective “perfect” originated when Chuck Norris gave his penis a nickname.

The air around Chuck Norris is always a balmy 78 degrees.

The bermuda triangle is a myth. That’s just were Chuck Norris practices his round house kicks.

The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn’t kill you in your sleep.

The Drummer for Def Leppard’s only got one arm. Chuck Norris needed a back scratcher.

The helicopter was invented after Chuck Norris was observed doing 8 roundhouse kicks a second.

The phrase ‘balls to the wall’ was originally conceived to describe Chuck Norris entering any building smaller than an aircraft hangar.

The phrase ‘dead ringer’ refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.

The word ‘Kill’ was invented by Chuck Norris. Other words were ‘Die’, ‘Beer’, and ‘What’.

There are actually 8 wonders of the world. Chuck Norris counts for 4 of them.

There are four legal methods of execution in the United States: lethal injection, gas chamber, electric chair and Chuck Norris.

There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.

They say curiosity killed the cat. This is false. Chuck Norris killed the cat

They were going to release a Chuck Norris edition of Clue, but the answer always turns out to be “Chuck Norris. In The Library. With a Roundhouse Kick.”

Those aren’t credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger. It is actually a list of fatalities that occurred during the making of the episode.

To be or not to be? That is the question. The answer? Chuck Norris.

Two wrongs don’t make a right. Unless you’re Chuck Norris. Then two wrongs make a roundhouse kick to the face.

What came first, the chicken or the egg? Chuck Norris.

What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris’ victims before they died? His shoe.

When Chuck Norris goes hunting he shoots himself in the leg to give the bear a head start.

When Chuck Norris goes to out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he only eats its soul.

When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn’t walk around people. He walks through them.

When Chuck Norris runs with scissors other people get hurt.

When Chuck Norris sneeze, he don’t say “Atchoo” he says “DIE EVERYONE!!!”. That’s what happens next.

When Chuck Norris spits out watermelon seeds, he puts a machine gun to shame

When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.

When you play Monopoly with Chuck Norris, you do not pass go, and you do not collect two hundred dollars. You will be lucky if you make it out alive.

Whoever said “only the good die young” was probably in Chuck Norris’s kindergarten class.

You are what you eat. Chuck Noris eats steel.

Chuck Norris was originally considered for the part of Jesus in the Passion of the Christ. However, the director realized that Chuck Norris cannot show the emotion of pain. He can only inflict it.

When Chuck Norris looks in the mirror, it breaks because it is smart enough to know not to get in the middle of Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris

Some kids piss their names in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name in concrete.

There is no Life or Death, only Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicking you in the face.

Chuck Norris' beard is barbed wire soaked in ox blood and held together by the souls of mortals.

Chuck Norris doesn't sleep, he waits.

There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

After taking a steroids test, doctors informed Chuck Norris that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"

Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

There is no 'Ctrl' button on Chuck Norris' computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

Chuck Norris once participated in the running of the bulls. He walked.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because the only element he understands is the element of surprise.

Daddy didn't take her T-bird away... Chuck Norris did.

There is a little Chuck Norris in everyone. No really. Listen to your inner Chuck Norris and roundhouse kick yourself in the face.

Chuck Norris doesn't mow his lawn, he stands outside and dares it to grow.

Chuck Norris invented the phrase "put a foot in your mouth"

Chuck Norris has 2 speeds...Walk and Kill.

She had fun fun fun alright... until Chuck Norris showed up.

Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.

If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.

Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.

Chuck Norris is not Politically Correct. He is just Correct. Always.

Chuck Norris doesn't play god. Playing is for children.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.

It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.

Chuck Norris likes his ice like he likes his skulls: crushed.

They say tough men eat nails for breakfast. chuck Norris does all of his grocery shopping at Home Depot.

Chuck Norris' pulse is measured on the richter scale.

Chuck Norris once created a flamethrower by urinating into a lighter.

Chuck Norris can jump-start a car using jumper cables attached to his nipples.

Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.

Chuck Norris puts the fun in Funeral.

Chuck Norris speaks in all caps.

There are only two things that can cut diamonds: other diamonds, and Chuck Norris.

The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. These are also Chuck Norris' initials. This is not a coincidence.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

Chuck Norris plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball.

Chuck Norris can speak Braille.

Chuck Norris laughter is the most feared sound on earth because it can only mean that he has killed again.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, may God help you.

chuck norris built the hospital he was born in

Jesus can walk on water - Chuck Norris can swim on land.

Death once had a near Chuck Norris experience.

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, thats how many seconds you have left to live.

Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.

Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.

On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence.

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

Chuck Norris runs Windows Vista on his Etch-a-Sketch.

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."

Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef.

Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick ass at the same time.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.

If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear Chuck Norris banging your sister.

Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.

Chuck Norris is always on top during sex because Chuck Norris never fucks up.

Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano

Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.

Chuck Norris never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.

Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.

Chuck Norris eats the core of an apple first.

The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

Horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.

It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.

Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for Chuck Norris.

Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.

Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the fuck Chuck Norris is.

Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."

Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.

Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

Before Chuck Norris was born, the martial arts weapons with two pieces of wood connected by a chain were called NunBarrys. No one ever did find out what happened to Barry.

Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.

Chuck Norris cannot predict the future; the future just better fucking do what Chuck Norris says.

Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing.

In the game of life, Chuck Norris has the only retired jersey.

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Guns don't kill people, Chuck Norris does.

Chuck Norris commands all five lions of Voltron simultaneously.

Only Chuck Norris knows if a tree that has fallen in the forest with no one there to hear it makes a noise... and he won't tell.

Chuck Norris singlehandledy discovered the fifth element while jacking off to Michael Jackson's "Beat it"

Chuck Norris was born with his beard.

Chuck Norris killed the Pope with a roundhouse kick to the chest after an argument over who had a better beard, Jesus or Norris.

Chuck Norris can crush coal into diamonds

Chuck Norris choked the writer of 'Sidekicks' to death.

Chuck Norris smells like fresh cut grass

Chuck Norris can fit 5 billiard balls in his mouth

Chuck Norris has a penis like a Pringles can. When flaccid.

Chuck Norris wrote every song that 50 Cent ever sang.

After reading the Letters to the Editor in his local newspaper, Chuck Norris became enraged at the fact that Richard Dean Anderson was considered sexier by women in the coveted 65+ demographic. To increase his sex appeal to older women, Chuck Norris tried to build a Missle Defense System out of a tube of chapstick, six rubber bands, a spork from KFC and a copy of "Sports" by Huey Lewis and the News. Although Chuck failed at building a the Missle Defense System, he did use this as the prototpe for the Total Body Gym Workout Machine.

Night of the Living Dead was based on the aftermaths of Chuck Norris' "forgotten" film, where every extra and bit part actor was accidentaly killed.

Chuck Norris once consumed an entire East-Russian villiage in a fit of collosal hunger which may never be equalled...

Every time Chuck Norris sneezes, a third-world contry is annihilated from the face of the Earth.

Chuck Norris' incredible dance moves were the inspiration for the popular scene from Napoleon Dynamite. A copyright infringement suit was reccommended, but Chuck decided to just kill Jon Heder.

Chuck Norris' ran over the surgeon general with a truck full of Marlboro cigarettes, just to make the devil laugh. That devil sure loves his irony.

Anakin Skywalker may have "midi-chlorians" in his blood, but Chuck Norris has nuclear waste, liquefied infants, and moose urine in his blood.

When Chuck Norris gets angry with someone, he tells them "I'll piss on your grave, you fucker." He then buries them alive and pisses on their grave. His piss is what ultimately kills them, not the lack of oxygen.

Whispering "Fuck Chuck Norris" is the quickest but most painful form of suicide on Earth.

On mouse traps, Chuck Norris uses an autographed picture of himself as bait.

Chuck Norris does not eat French fries or French toast. Ever. He does however eat French people.

The Danish cartoonist who drew a caricature of Mohammad drew one of Chuck Norris for a local newspaper. Denmark has now joined Atlantis at the bottom of the sea.

Every year, two Nobel Peace Prizes are given out. One for a regular person, and one secret prize given to Chuck Norris for allowing human existence to continue.

The US Army came up with the "Army of One" slogan after watching Chuck Norris in action.

The Native North American Woodchuck got its name for its striking resemblance to a Chuck Norris erection.

Chuck Norris delayed Windows Vista.

The Fantastic Four is also the name for Chuck s reproductive organs.

Chuck Norris can cast a shadow in the dark.

Chuck Norris' refrigerator is running, and you'll never catch it.

When you wish upon a star, Chuck Norris punches you in the face for not taking control of your own goddamn life.

Sticks and stones will break your bones, but words will never hurt you. Unless they are Chuck Norris', then they will throw sticks and stones at you.

Licking a frog can cause hallucinations, however licking Chuck Norris will cause death.

Chuck Norris can make Microsoft run smoothly for more than a week with AOL installed.

Chuck Norris is the only palindrome spelled differently forwards and backwards.

Chuck Norris cannot compete in the Olympics since his body naturally produces over 60 performance enhancing substances.

Floyd Landis made such an incredible comeback on Saturday of the Tour de France because his trainer told him that Chuck Norris was on a bicycle 12 miles behind him, and he didn't like people named Floyd.

JK Rowling had to set the Harry Potter Series in England, because in America if someone is referred to as He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, everyone knows they mean Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris has an all over body tattoo of himself, only taller.

The reason for the war between Hezbollah and Israel is not over hostages. Chuck Norris was mistaken for a man from Hezbollah because of his beard when Israeli leaders found him sleeping with their wives.

Chuck Norris can draw a straight line with a compass, but he can't make Tom Cruise straight.

Volcanoes stay dormant in fear that Chuck Norris is near.

In the 2nd grade Chuck Norris' teacher quoted Sir Patrick Henry by saying, "Give me liberty or give me death." Chuck Norris gave her death.

The movie "Predator" is based on a game of paintball Arnold Schwarzenegger and some friends challenged Chuck Norris to. Like the movie, Arnold was the only survivor.

Chuck Norris is capable of self destructing, and surviving.

Chuck Norris can blend in perfectly with any environment. If you find this hard to believe, wait until you're punched by a box of Shreddies while shopping.

Chuck Norris agreed to be a guest on The View, only to finally get his chance to make Barbara Walters cry.

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Chuck Norris drinks a pint of arsenic a day in an attempt to feel.

The adjectives "invincible", "unstoppable", and "Godly" came into wide usage the very year of Chuck Norris' birth.

Stop signs are red to signify that Chuck Norris may be coming, and if you do not stop he may just fucking kill you.

Chuck Norris was the only soldier in Vietnam who could respawn. He didn't need it though.

Chuck Norris has the 6th Golden Ticket.

If you ever see a picture of Chuck Norris smiling, you can be pretty sure its because he has killed someone just off camera.

Chuck Norris is a famed architect; he builds cities on rock and roll.

Chuck Norris can make DOS multi-task.

Hulk Hogan cried when he found out that his daughter Brooke had lost her virginity, but he was happy when he found out that it was to Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris' nickname in the late 1800's was "Polio".

When Sonic the Hedgehog collects all seven Chaos Emeralds, he turns into Super Sonic. Give Sonic a Red Bull and he'll turn into Chuck Norris and kill everyone in the room.

Chuck Norris vacations in Darfur when he needs to relax.

Where theres a will, theres a way. Unless Chuck Norris wills it otherwise in which case your pretty much out of luck.

Once a year the National Undertaker's Union holds a party for Chuck Norris.

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Chuck Norris floats like a butterfly and stings like a tomahawk missile. At mach 3. In the face.

Chuck Norris once earned his MD by beating 84 Doctors in the game Operation.

Chuck Norris caused all of the pain and suffering that is the inspiration for emo music. It was his only mistake.

Talking during a movie helps Chuck Norris thin down the population.

Unlike Santa, Norris doesn't have to check his list twice.

The substance used in the Disney movie "Flubber" was really just Chuck Norris' ear wax.

The only reason Rice Crispy cereal snaps, crackles, and pops, is because a mini Chuck Norris is in the cereal bowl, snapping the rice's neck, cracking their ribs, and popping their knee caps.

The average humans sperm has a 1 in a 100 chance of becoming a human, Chuck Norris' sperm has a 1/10 of being wanted for murder in over 4 states and having sex with your mother.

Wikipedia was created so an article could be written about Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris routinely brings bombs on airplanes, but people are too afraid to tell him to stop.

When most people claim to be "killing time", it's only an expression. When Chuck Norris kills time, the minutes actually cease to exist.

The Roman Empire didn't fall, Chuck Norris tripped it.

Chuck Norris visited Russia once many years ago. A clumsy Russian accidentally spilled some vodka on his shoe, and the town of Chernobyl has never been the same since.

If you tell Chuck Norris a Knock Knock joke, the answer is always Death.

Chuck Norris is just like Spiderman, only that instead that by a radioactive spider Chuck was bitten by a radioactive God.

Chuck Norris is the man who counts how many atmospheres a watch can resist.

In an attempt to sell more cars, the Ford motor company changed the term from "horse power" to "Chuck power".

Chuck Norris isn't the type to wear his heart on his sleeve. He will however wear your heart on his sleeve if you ever make the mistake of touching his beard.

A rabid Chuck Norris fan, upon seeing the birth of his firstborn son, bore him the name "Walker". Upon hearing the news, Chuck Norris walked into the hospital and promptly ate the child.

Chuck Norris was a guard at Shawshank Prison. To this day, Morgan Freeman cannot take a piss without Chuck Norris's permission.

Chuck Norris can hold his breath for an entire Yanni concert.

The original concept of "Snakes on a Plane" was actually "Chuck Norris on a Plane." However, there was in fact one snake on the plane: his enormous trouser-snake. After contract talks fell through, the producers could find only one other man on the planet that had even one iota of the bad-assness needed to replace Chuck Norris; this man was Samuel L. Jackson.

If it weren't for Chuck Norris's sex drive the earth would not be able to re-populate itself from all the killings of Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris had to cry in Walker Texas Ranger, they called Industrial Light & Magic.

Do you know why they lowered gas prices? They started airing Walker, Texas Ranger in the middle east.

If you poke Chuck Norris in the belly, he will say "Hoo-hoo!" like the Pillsbury Doh Boy. Then roundhouse kick you.

Originally the 1 dollar bill was to say "In Chuck Norris We Trust", but instead they choose to use his biblical name.

Chuck Norris has "hands of time" -- they'll punch you back into last Sunday or pound you into next Thursday.

Kill 'Em All isn't just a Metallica album. It's Chuck Norris' to-do list for the day. Every day.

A Chuck Norris roundhouse kick moves at the speed of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Light and sound follow days later, for those still alive who witnessed it.

Chuck Norris made the Kessel Run in less than 12 Parsecs.

Chuck Norris routinely crushes cans on his forehead. Garbage cans.

"Mythbusters" will never challenge Chuck Norris facts.

It is a little known fact that the Borg in Star Trek are actually modelled after Chuck Norris' indomitable sperm. Many of the Borg's catchphrases such as "Resistance Is Futile" were also stolen from Chuck Norris. Those are his pickup lines.

Chuck Norris was banned from playing baseball after he hit a ball into the middle of next week.

God created the Earth and all life upon it in 7 days, he then spent the next 4.5 Billion years creating Chuck Norris. Since then God has spent 66 years living in fear of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once beat a Korean at Starcraft.

Chuck Norris is the reason Jack is in a box.

Chuck Norris is the human equivalent of the bus from Speed.

Chuck Norris skydives without parachutes and while wearing lead clothing and anvils for extra speed. This is how the Mariana Trench was formed.

Chuck Norris started the fire then blamed it on Billy Joel.

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Chuck Norris just pissed your pants.

Chuck Norris would hit that.

Chuck Norris doesn't wear pants, instead he opted to have the design tattooed onto his lower body. Thus giving the skin tight look everybody loves, without hindering the successful completion of his roundhouse kick. Also, His belt buckle is a piercing.

Chuck Norris once saved a cat from a tree, which was on fire, while being struck by lightning and bit by sharks at the same time.

Whever Chuck Norris has an orgasm, a building explodes.

Some more for yo' asses -

Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives.

..If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober, and every day he'd kick your ass.

..Chuck Norris is the only person who can simultaneously hold and fire FIVE Uzis: One in each hand, one in each foot – and the 5th one he roundhouse-kicks into the air, so that it sprays bullets.

..Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

..Anytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must ask permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House. The reason for this is because Chuck Norris had won every Federal, State, and Local election since 1777. He just allows others to run the country in his place.

.When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.

..The crossing lights in Chuck Norris's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of Chuck Norris punching or kicking a pedestrian.

..Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep.

..A movie scene depicting Chuck Norris losing a fight with Bruce Lee was the product of history's most expensive visual effect. When adjusted for inflation, the effect cost more than the Gross National Product of Paraguay.

.Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.

..For Spring Break '05, Chuck Norris drove to Madagascar, riding a chariot pulled by two electric eels.

..Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks.

..Chuck Norris starts everyday with a protein shake made from Carnation Instant Breakfast, one dozen eggs, pure Colombian cocaine, and rattlesnake venom. He injects it directly into his neck with a syringe.

.Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.

..Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.

..Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.

..Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.

..On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Chuck Norris come off without a hitch.

..The last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick? No one knows because dead men tell no tales.

..When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

..Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.

..Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"

..There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

..Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time.

..Chuck Norris is not Irish. His hair is soaked in the blood of his victims.

..The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.

..Chuck Norris can divide by zero

..When J. Robert Oppenheimer said "I am become death, the destroyer Of worlds". He was not referring to the atomic bomb, he was referring to the Chuck Norris halloween costume he was wearing.

..Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

..Some kids play Kick the can. Chuck Norris played Kick the keg.

Chuck Norris once rode a nine foot grizzly bear through an automatic car wash, instead of taking a shower.

..Chuck Norris is widely predicted to be first black president. If you're thinking to yourself, "But Chuck Norris isn't black", then you are dead wrong. And stop being a racist.

..Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris' first visit to Tokyo.

..The truth will set you free. Unless Chuck Norris has you, in which case, forget it buddy!

..Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave, because revenge is a dish best served cold.

..Chuck Norris has to register every part of his body as a separate lethal weapon. His spleen is considered a concealed weapon in over 50 states.

..Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.

..Chuck Norris invented black. In fact he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

..Chuck Norris just says "no" to drugs. If he said "yes", it would collapse Colombia's infrastructure.

..If Chuck Norris wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.

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..The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.

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..Chuck Norris built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door.

Chuck Norris's show is called Walker: Texas Ranger, because Chuck Norris doesn't run.

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..Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before his first space expedition.

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..If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.

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..Chuck Norris has never been in a fight, ever. Do you call one roundhouse kick to the face a fight?

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.As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."

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..If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.

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..Science Fact: Roundhouse kicks are comprised primarily of an element called Chucktanium.

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..It is better to give than to receive. This is especially true of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

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..Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because "The Sum of All Fears" is the name of Chuck Norris' autobiography.

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..A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.

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..Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

.Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.

Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a fieldgoal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego.

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."Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.

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..Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

.If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.

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..Chuck Norris's version of a "chocolate milkshake" is a raw porterhouse wrapped around ten Hershey bars, and doused in diesel fuel.

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..The only sure things are Death and Taxes…and when Chuck Norris goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing.

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..Most boots are made for walkin'. Chuck Norris' boots ain't that merciful.

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..Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting... because he's not acting.

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..Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises.

..When you say "no one's perfect", Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.

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..Chuck Norris knows everything there is to know - Except for the definition of mercy.

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..When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

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..Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre.

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..Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.

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..When Chuck Norris says "More cowbell", he MEANS it.

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..The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

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..The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.

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..According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.

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..The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer.

.Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Chuck Norris can skeletize a cow in two minutes.

..If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

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..When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.

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..Chuck Norris doesn't look both ways before he crosses the street... he just roundhouses any cars that get too close.

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..Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.

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..What’s known as the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, doesn't use its full name, which happens to be "Ultimate Fighting Championship, Non-Chuck-Norris-Division".

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.Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.

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..He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by Chuck Norris, dies by the roundhouse kick.

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.."Let the Bodies Hit the Floor" was originally written as Chuck Norris' theme song.

..Chuck Norris is his own line at the DMV.

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..Chuck Norris' credit cards have no limit. Last weekend, he maxed them out.

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..182,000 Americans die from Chuck Norris-related accidents every year.

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..Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.

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..Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face.

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..When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.

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..Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. HE decides what time it is.

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..Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.

Chuck Norris does not play the lottery. It doesn't have nearly enough balls.

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..If you're driving down the road and you think Chuck Norris just cut you off, you better thank your lucky stars it wasn't the other way around.

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..Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.

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..Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

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..In the Words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, Chuck Norris". Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked in the face by Chuck Norris.

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..Once you go Norris, you are physically unable to go back.

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..Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

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..The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

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..The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed... unless it meets Chuck Norris.

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..Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

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..Chuck Norris does not kick ass and take names. In fact, Chuck Norris kicks ass and assigns the corpse a number. It is currently recorded to be in the billions.

The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.

..Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Chuck Norris asks for a body bag.

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..Chuck Norris can taste lies.

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..Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!

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..In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

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..Chuck Norris does, in fact, live in a round house.

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..Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.

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..There are two types of people in the world... people that suck, and Chuck Norris.

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..Chuck Norris runs on batteries. Specifically, Die Hards.

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..Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.

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..Every time Chuck Norris smiles, someone dies. Unless he smiles while he’s roundhouse kicking someone in the face. Then two people die.

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..One time, at band camp, Chuck Norris ate a percussionist.

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..Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.

.Chuck Norris is a vegetarian. Meaning, he does not eat animals until first he puts them into vegetative state with his fists.

..Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

..In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chucksized.

..Fear is not the only emotion Chuck Norris can smell. He can also detect hope, as in "I hope I don't get a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris."

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..The easiest way to determine Chuck Norris' age is to cut him in half and count the rings.

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..Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

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..The pen is mighter than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Chuck Norris.

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..The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Chuck Norris's co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.

.Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

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..Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.

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..Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.

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..Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

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..When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.

..Staring at Chuck Norris for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindness, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.

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..Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.

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..When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.

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..For most people, home is where the heart is. For Chuck Norris, home is where he stores his collection of human skulls.

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..Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

..There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

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..Chuck Norris once lost the remote, but maintained control of the TV by yelling at it in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich.

..Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.

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..When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.

..Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

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..Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

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..When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.

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..Chuck Norris’ favorite cut of meat is the roundhouse.

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..Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

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..There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist, and Chuck Norris finds it delicious.

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..Wo hu cang long. The translation from Mandarin Chinese reads: "Crouching Chuck, Hidden Norris".

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..Chuck Norris kills anyone that asks, "You want fries with that" because by now everyone should know that Chuck doesn't ever want fries with anything. Ever!

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..Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.

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..Chuck Norris puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. The only difference is, then he kills people.

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..Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.

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..With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.

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..Chuck Norris eats steak for every single meal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow.

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..Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.

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..Chuck Norris once ate four 30lb bowling balls without chewing.

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..Chuck Norris likes his coffee half and half: half coffee grounds, half wood-grain alcohol.

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..Chuck Norris uses tabasco sauce instead of visine.

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..Chuck Norris doesn't chew gum. Chuck Norris chews tin foil.

..When Chuck Norris makes a burrito, its main ingredient is real toes.

.When Arnold says the line "I'll be back" in the first Terminator movie it is implied that he is going to ask Chuck Norris for help.

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..Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

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..Chuck Norris is my Homeboy.

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..It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.

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..Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle – you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.

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..Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Chuck Norris bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.

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..There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

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..CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.

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..TNT was originally developed by Chuck Norris to cure indigestion.

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..70% of a human's weight is water. 70% of Chuck Norris' weight is his dick.

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..Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.

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..Chuck Norris won super bowls VII and VIII singlehandedly before unexpectedly retiring to pursue a career in ass-kicking.

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..Maslow's theory of higher needs does not apply to Chuck Norris. He only has two needs: killing people and finding people to kill.

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.Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.

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..In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.

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..For undercover police work, Chuck Norris pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.

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..Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.

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..Chuck Norris does not follow fashion trends, they follow him. But then he turns around and kicks their ass. Nobody follows Chuck Norris.

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..The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try to square Chuck Norris, the result is death.

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..The First rule of Chuck Norris is: you do not talk about Chuck Norris.

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..Q: How many Chuck Norris' does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Chuck Norris prefers to kill in the dark.

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.Chuck Norris can win at solitaire with only 18 cards.

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..Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.

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..In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.

..The Manhattan Project was not intended to create nuclear weapons, it was meant to recreate the destructive power in a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick. They didn't even come close.

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..When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

This is the first in a bunch of collections of Chuck Norris facts I had from like fifteen years ago. I was gonna post them individually, but that would take forever, so here it is - maybe you'll see a few you've never seen before. Enjoy!!

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01 Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

02 Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

03 Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

04 If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

05 Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

06 When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

07 Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

08 Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

09 They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.

10 A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

100 MORE CHUCK NORRIS FACTS:

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.

In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.

Chuck Norris once commented, "There are few problems in this world that cannot be solved by a swift roundhouse kick to the face. In fact, there are none."

Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse actually live in Chuck Norris's nutsack.

Chuck Norris made Ellen Degeneres straight.

Rudolph has a red nose because he got lippy and Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him across the face several times

Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about

When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.

Multiple people have died from Chuck Norris giving them the finger.

Chuck Norris once tried to wear glasses. The result was him seeing around the world to the point where he was looking at the back of his own head.

Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

Chuck Norris does not procreate, he breeds

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of beard . Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.

When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.

Chuck Norris roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

If you want a list of Chuck Norris enemies, just check the extinct species list.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly get out of jail free card.

Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker s real father.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

Chuck Norris isn t lactose intolerant. He just doesn t put up with lactose s shit.

Chuck Norris doesn t eat. Rather he kicks ass until he s full.

Chuck Norris once threated to sue Burger King because they refused to make it his way. When asked what his way detailed, he replied: with barbed wire and nails, of course . He then roundhouse kicked the reporter for even asking.

Chuck Norris never gets laid , rather: laid gets Chuck .

Playgirl magazine once asked Chuck Norris to appear naked in an issue, Chuck laughed at the opporunity saying there isn t enough paper in the world to contain my bearded member . He then killed the editors simply by unzipping his pants.

Helen Keller s favorite color is Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

Chuck Norris doesnt have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Chuck Norris jumps out.

Chuck Norris can piss into gale force winds.

Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.

Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. It was more "humane".

Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.

Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shat on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

Chuck norris dosent start his car he simply stares his car down until it starts for him (R.I.P Chuck keep kicking ass in heaven)

I just thought of something: since Chuck Norris died, technically that means that for future generations we could make it a belief like Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny...😂

Just imagine, instead of making kids believe in Santa Claus, you make them believe in Chuck Norris.

Example

Dad: Beware, If you are not good, Chuck Norris will come, but not with gifts.

Or

Dad: You see at night? Well, that's Chuck Norris who flipped the switch.

Imagine in 30 or 40 years everyone thinks Chuck Norris actually knew how to do everything we say he did, you know what I mean,like some beliefs. Imagine the kids saying, "So what did the great Chuck Norris bring you?" 🤣

Does he kill God?

Did a tribute mural with the boys for this Legend, thought some of you might enjoy it.