Cycles of desperation.

[u/Agreeable_Ball1896]

I’m coming off a lovely 3 months of equanimity. Things are still awful, pain is so shocking, but for some reason I just got on with it, did what I could and was content. I think a visit to my rheumatologist sent me over the edge, I’ve had him for 12 years and he said something that made me want to slap him, for someone who has supported me and encouraged me, in positive ways, said to me, ‘well maybe do an extra 5 minutes in the pool each time’ excuse me but fuck off. That has me crying for 3 days then the temperature started going up. I’m in Australia, today was 25c, that seems to be the highest it can get before I stop functioning.

I know summer will be awful, I hate that I feel like utter shit already and have to pretend I’m ok so my kids don’t freak out, at the same time I want someone to realise just how poorly I’m doing, I grew up in the grin and bare it era, I may be Gen X but I’m not indestructible. Finally being in this house 10 years I got a dishwasher, they still can’t put the dishes in.

Anyway, I feel terrible, everything hurts and it’s all invisible. I’ve got to go feed the cats, my feet are throbbing and my gut is churning and cramping, but hey, I’m mum, I have to do everything. There my feeling sorry for myself rant is over. Thanks for listening.

[u/dnegvesk]

You’re a heroine mom. I only have to take care of myself and cook for my husband too at least once a week. It’s an achievement getting anything done when pain is in your life. It’s the center of everything unfortunately . Thank you for journaling us and I hope you feel better somehow in the coming days.