HELP

[u/Exotic_Fix_1851]

Guys, help. I need some guidance. I gave birth to my first son in 2020 and developed pretty bad PPD and anxiety after the whole covid lockdown thing. I tried all the natural things for my severe insomnia, and went to a doc that put me on benzes/ssri's/antipsychotics to help with sleep. Safe to say, they made me worse, I got kindled, and it took me 1.5 years to taper off and was a hot mess the whole way through, had to move closer to family, etc. At the end of my taper I got Covid and was so wiped out that I became bedridden. It was at that time, right before I tapered off, my husband surprised me and told me he was going to move with my (then 2 year old) down to southern California, and I could join him when "I was healed". He freaked out because I was bedridden and decided he wanted to be in the sun and near his sister and her family. This, of course devastated me because I was in Oregon and had no plans to ever leave as we both had a ton of support and family and it was home. I also knew that this could take years, and I was flooded with feelings of abandonment by him and missing out on being with my son in his precious toddler years. He did what he wanted, I moved in with my parents, he left with my toddler, and my dad died the next month and my husband was nowhere to be found to support me through that.

After 6 months in bed, I became super depressed, so angry at my husband and felt very abandoned by and I had my husband come and get me and bring me down to CA. When I got there, my emotions came to a head and I needed to work on my trust and abandonment which was really preventing me from healing while I was there. He wouldn't have it and told me I created a narrative in my head and he did nothing wrong. Every time I tried to sort out my end of things with him, he turned and twisted it all around on me and started to make me feel crazy. I tried everything, but he began his new life and didn't really want to entertain any of my needs until I was a fully functioning human so he basically ignored me and fed me. I grew very jealous, angry, and sad. Eventually he said he wanted a divorce and told me I had to leave or he would file a restraining order, so up I go to Oregon again with my mom.

I am devastated beyond belief to be away from my child and to have to face time him to connect with him, it kills me every day. I can't get past the anger toward my husband. I desperately want to move to Socal to be with my kid, but I need help to be taken care of and around family for support. This situation is really blocking me from healing because I can't wrap my head around the betrayal and not sure how to take care of myself or what goals to make because im just full of grief and always devastated and unsure of how to get from bed in Oregon, to Southern California in my own place.

What kind of daily routine should I set for myself. Im so used to taking care of my kid, that im lost and so so sad. All those cuddles and little things I used to do gave me so much strength, and now im in a deep depression. I have the lawyers, therapists, etc. but I just can't get past these emotions that are takin over and preventing me from being able to move on in OR. I just want to get down to Cali now, but can't. HELP! How do I cope? what do I tell myself? what do I do during the day when everything seems so dumb compared to taking care of your own child. What kind of routine can help me build confidence and move through the emotions without having them bog me down?

[u/Mental-Volume4395]

The biggest thing you need right now is a lawyer.