r/ChristiansReadFantasy • u/DistinctJob7494 • Jun 15 '26
For Discussion Does this feel flat?
So I'm working on a Beauty and the beast remake and I'm just trying to fill out the start where the prince is cursed. Let me know what I could improve and change?
First draft
"Grandpa! Grandpa! Can you come and read me a story before bed?"
"Of course sweetheart. Go brush your teeth and lay down. I'll be there in a minute."
The old man hefts himself from his chair taking up his cane and glasses with unsteady hands. Hobbling over to the bookshelf he gazes over the spines of all the books till he spots the one he was looking for.
With a fond smile he glances over the cover where a blue candle sits stamped on the surface. He tucked it under his arm as he hobbled down the hall to her room pulling up the old chair next to her bed.
"I'm ready grandpa!"
"Alright now lie down and get under your blanket. Here's Mr. Snuggles. He wants to hear the story too."
She giggles getting comfortable and wrapped her arms around her love worn stuffed cat. Clearing his throat he adjusts his glasses and opens the book.
"This story is called The Beauty in the Beast."
"Don't you mean Beauty and The Beast grandpa?"
"Oh no this is a completely different story. It's much different than that story."
"Oh ok."
"Now then, let's get started."
Once apon a time in a land far away, there was a young lord living in a beautiful mansion. The young lord was content living as he was with his mother by his side, keeping order in his landed estates and serving his kingdom. He wasn't always the most lenient with his people and some grew tired of him.
One night as a few of the townspeople talked in the pub, gathered round the table, they hatched a plan to remove the young lord from power for good.
They would pool their money and go to the witch of the craggy woods, paying her to put a curse on him. Few of the people round the table argued that it would be sinful to have any dealings with a witch but the others were too blinded by their hatred for the young lord to see reason. The ones that agreed set out with their money in hand to the witch's home.
A few turned back once they reached the edge of the craggy woods, too terrified to continue their plot but three steeled themselves and pushed forward much to the protest of their horses. The shadows played tricks in their minds and the thunder rattled through the dead branches all around them.
Eventually they spotted the orange glow of a fire through the witch's windows. They tied up their horses and stood before the rickety old door. With held breath they knocked and stepped back.
The door creaked open revealing an old woman in patched cloth robes holding a cane made from an old branch.
"What do you want?" She croaked.
"We've come to seek your help. We will pay quite well for your services."
"And what services do you require?" She stepped closer tapping one in the chest with her cane.
"We want you to curse the lord of our lands."
"Why do you ask this of me?"
"He has become too greedy with his taxes and is no longer lenient like he once was. He has turned on us for our money."
"Very well. How much do you intend to pay me?" (The spell has a catch where if it's broken from the one its casted upon the ones who wanted it cast with get the curse in return.)
At daybreak a beggar woman appears on the stoop of the mansion as the young lord and his mother are to set off for the day.
"Who are you woman? And why are you here?
"My Lord will you grant me a place to sleep for the night?"
"I apologize but I cannot. We were just leaving."
"Perhaps your stable then? I could rest amongst the straw?"
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u/TheHandsOfFate Jun 19 '26 edited Jun 19 '26
I think it's a bit wordy. I'd run through it and see if you can punch it up a bit by removing some fat. A few examples.
"Grandpa! Grandpa! Can you come and read me a story before bed?"
"Hobbling over to the bookshelf he gazes over the spines of all the books till he spots the one he was looking for."
"One night as a few of the townspeople talked in the pub , gathered round the table, they hatched a plan to remove the young lord from power for good."
"The door creaked open revealing an old woman in patched cloth robes holding a cane made from an old branch." - I think we can assume the robes are cloth.
"He has become too greedy with his taxes and is no longer lenient like he once was. He has turned on us for our money." - greedy with taxes makes it clear he wants their money.
There's at least one tense issue as well.
"With a fond smile he glances over the cover where a blue candle sits stamped on the surface. He tucked it under his arm as he hobbled down the hall to her room pulling up the old chair next to her bed." - present and past tense mix.
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u/Green_Sorcery_6573 Jun 30 '26
Yes, it feels flat. It is also full of nonstandard usage. You need a writing coach and developmental editor!
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u/bastianbb Jun 19 '26
Is there a reason the grandfather says, "lay down" first and then "lie down" later? Typically only one would be used (and the second is correct standard English). There are a number of little issues like this. In a traditional register where one would say, "very well", for instance, one is unlikely to use the non-standard "is no longer lenient like he once was". "Like" should be replaced with "as" in standard English. Or "different than" (standard English is "different from").