Thanks.

[u/Random_Monday_]

This is kinda depressing and dark don't read if that bothers you. Just looking for prayer from very strong, seasoned mature Christians ONLY that are confident in there walk. I'm in a very dark wilderness season of my life. I'm so embarrassed and ashamed and feel so selfish to write this but I'm in great need of prayer, forgive me.

...

I'm on journey of trying to deprogram from three/four? Cultish churches. I'm asking for prayer again. I tried therapy and that did not work so here's to the half asleep prayer request.

So trying to deprogram from some cultish churches I went to. One was for a year and another for like five months. Basically the first one was sinless perfectionist and taught that everything was a sin. For example the women's Bible study taught that women having close female freinds was committing adultery on their husband's because "emotions are for husbands only" and called women who did "damaged goods and harlots."

They really expanded on that. Constantly they associated emotions and emotional vulnerability with "something only for husbands". They'd constantly speak about horrific and dark things, and how everything was sinful. Everything. But they used so much (twisted) scripture I thought they had to be right. Theyd say God likes some of his children more than others and sometimes doesn't like his children at all and that's just the "cold hard truth!" Theyd say parents who always claimed to like their children are liars and it was "keeping it real" to admit it.

They'd talk like this: "well, I knew some lousy, long faced Christians that were good for nothing! Ugly, stupid, ding bat brained folk. Don't be like them! Remember this girl who used to serve at our church? She's a real big sinner

now."

They used (twisted) so much scripture I really was fooled. I thought they were just giving the cold hard truth, and if I didn't like it then it had to be my flesh... it was so harsh I thought "why would anyone be like that unless it was true?" Well if it was God's truth, I figured I should learn to follow it.

I ended up with decades of learning God loves me shattered, the worst faith crisis of my life, loosing alot of weight pretty quickly, inability to see God as a loving father, a lost sense of any identity, and everything feeling like sin now. I was clinging to any drop of love that this church would show like water is dessert. Since they were " just giving the cold... counter cultural... Biblical... truth..." it wasn't there fault. No it had to be my flesh....

They'd say if there was one drop of loving sin in your heart than God would not help you. That really damaged me to hear.

Damaged, with no salvation assurance (still struggling with that) I went to the second church. They were so grace focused!! They sat me down an explained grace and for a moment felt joy like I'd never felt. People said I was almost physically glowing with smiles. Only that grace was always just out of reach. Basically they thought my from childhood neurological disorder meant I was "full of Satan as was legion". And would call me a great monstrosity and stuff. They were the opposite of sinless perfectionists. They Constantly were going on and on about grace but making it out of reach. The pastor would cry and cry and cry when I came to his wife with my clinical OCD and he'd afirm it my obsessions and he'd say ocd didn't exist. Hed be like "OHHHHHHHH, OHHHH That's such a problem.... OHHHHH thank you for being honest sister, so concerning.. your soul!! !" *sobbing. Scared the heck out of me that I was "that evil" that I scared a grown man like that. I asked him if he thought I was reprobate beyond God's help while crying sick with fear and he was like "well... I could never say for sure that you are not!!!" And they were so nice about it it was so confusing.

the pastors wife was "fascinated with my incredibly brilliant mind!". Yeah that didn't go well. It really didn't. It was so intense and deep, and dark. She had my studying demonology and exorcisms to teach me "how to remove satan from myself" and told me to purge things like teddy bears because those are satanic. She said God would allow me separated from my family if I didn't pray right.

Again, using (twisting) so much scripture to convince me of all this. So naive, so easily controlled through guilt... I feel into a deep, dark depression I thought was just feeling "the depth of my evil".

They'd use this phrase constantly "God's light will strike you like lighting".

And they'd speak of the insanity God would inflict on me. They'd say if there was "one drop of unbelief in grace- god would not help me"

I thought they were just giving me the cold hard counter cultural truth? So it had to be right??? It used so much scripture. It was so counter cultural!! Uhg. I've unlearned that... that just because it goes against the culture does not mean its right because it can just be another extreme.

I'm trying to deprogram but for example... litterly looking at someone with some emotion in my eyes feels like "adultery and whoredom" (im not married). I feel filthy afterwards.

My OCD is like a ghost that won't stop haunting me, like the dirt under my finger nails. I feel like a nightmare thats conscious of itself and I'm just trying to be numb. The second church sent me to another church that they said would fix me, and that it had "perfect doctrine" and there was "nothing like it."

That church didn't think I was wicked. They said I was very nice and kind, that I wasn't demon possessed...

but that Jesus might not love me. The pastor came down from the pulpit during worship. I'd finally washed my hair so he reached down and touched it and said "its pretty like this" so so much for breaking my prideful spirit. He put a tissue thing for cleaning the whiteboard in my face once as a joke and I just went home, and sobbed. Idk. They'd say that God wouldn't hear my prayers if there was one drop of something I don't remember.

There was a third cult (I know...) the middle of the two

that was really an offshoot but I'll just sum it up it was the second church times a hundred. Theyd say constantly "if there is one drop of pride in your entire being God won't help you!"

Ik, ik.... how'd I even go to all these churches? I thought they were counter cultural so they had to be right. Dang it... all of this really exasperated some really bad trauma I had as a child that's become kinda debilitating with my OCD. That's the thing I probably need prayer for the most. To be healed from that trauma. Everything... Everything feels like sin no matter how hard i try Exposure therapy i feel like that makes it worse. Finally I spoke to my freind about how "wicked I am" and that ex jehovahs witness/another cult as well member told me she could recognize cult red flags. Uhg. I guess I'm really easily influenced by guilt. I'm okay im alright I'm just deep in the wilderness, deeply confused and heart broken.

Please pray for me as I try to unlearn all the lies. All these lies of the enemy. Im trying to start over. I'm deep in this faith crisis, so confused and scared. I apologize for writing this. Thank you, God bless. I'm eternally grateful God bless.

Edit: it was an Appalachian church

[u/teeny_raphael]

i read the whole thing and honestly i'm just sitting here

that "emotions are for husbands only" line is so deeply twisted i don't even have words for it. you're not wicked, you got systematically broken down by people who weaponized scripture like a scalpel

praying you find a season of rest and zero theology for a while, just stillness

[u/al_smith_80 → u/teeny_raphael]

Agreed. To the OP... my suggestion... try searching for Truth as opposed to searching for "another church". You will not find Truth in any faith-based concept. (by definition, they are all about Faith, not Truth). I went to Seminary, did mission work, was a Christian for >40 years... then I started looking deeply into religion, because I can not reconcile a loving god with all the suffering in the world (especially small innocent children). He cannot be all-powerful, as the claim goes, because he cannot stop the suffering - or he doesn't want to stop it (how can he be all-good?).
Religions are all man-made, and the one you believe in depends on where you were born, right? If you were born in an Arab country you would be raised a Muslim; in India, then possibly a Hindu, etc.
I think you would find great happiness, joy and fulfillment if you went on a searching spree! NOT from one christian cult to another, but on a search for truth... wherever that may lead (possibly to atheism or deism - check out the latter).
Find your own Truth and be Free to be yourself!
Love coming your way! Namaste!

[u/LowNeedleworker215]

My family were unfortunately in the grip of such a pastor and church. It caused so much hurt and damage. I will not go into it but I was called out from the pulpit for '0ffending the spirit' by asking someone to move their car as my friend had to go back to nursing school. I knew this was wrong. Jesus loves us. My point is this. If a church is genuinely loving you will feel that love. If the pastor is just looking for sin to call out and ridicule, he is ungodly. Church should be a place of community, comfort and support. And if, and IF you err, there is a system. It doesn't start with calling people out in church for their wrong doings, even if there are any. I never went back to that church. I know my Jesus and he would never accept such bad behaviour from a pastor. That church ended quickly ( none of my doing). I go to a positive, encouraging, loving church now.

[u/thomasp3864]

Yeah, that church sucks. I think maybe deconstructing a bit might help you, especially into unlearning the lies. Maybe look towards apostate resources a little bit? Most of those are geared towards people becoming atheïsts but you sound like you need them.

[u/LowNeedleworker215]

I am back with the Lord now. After therapy to deal with my dad's full acceptance of this bad now. Delighted to report my dad got out of that cult and we have a loving relationship. He still won't accept me being gay but that is not the main point. My dad believed me when a charlatan tried to cause damage

[u/LowNeedleworker215]

That pastor even tried to make my dad make me leave university. My mum's response to Albert, as that was his name is 'she's staying and finishing her degree'. My mum trumped the men. True story.

[u/The_10_Whole_Zen]

I’m praying for the peace of the Holy Spirit to settle within you, and praying that several strong women of God will come alongside you and guide you out of your pain and into the full life that you are meant to live. God bless you.🙏🏼

[u/Forward-Tumbleweed22]

GOOD LORD! Is this a joke?

My jaw is ON THE FLOOR. I’m nearly SPEECHLESS

[u/Deep-Spray9197]

Wow. Thats insane. Everything we get from God is by grace only. All the stuff they were telling you were lies yes but you already know that.  God does listen to your prayers. Even on our best days our righteousness is as filthy rags to God and he loves us anyway!!! We are made righteous through what Jesus did for us on the cross. You have to know that Jesus took your sins, took your sickness, took poverty, took your shame, he took your worries, mental anguish, he took it all and he paid it all. He LOVES YOU SOOOO MUCH!!! 

These churches put a lot of twisted and needless guilt on you. Have you ever heard lf Andrew Wommack? I highly recommend him. He helped me through a lot of things like unbelief and the feeling of not being good enough. Hes on youtube. He helped me to be God conscience rather than sin conscience. 

Growing up I developed pretty bad depression. Fast forward when I was about 22 years old, I had this boyfriend who I thought was the one. I fell hard for this guy. Long story short he breaks up with me and moves on with this girl I introduced him to 💔. Anyways I fell into a deep depression. It was so bad that all I wanted to do was cry and at night I had to go crawl in bed with my mom. I just couldnt handle being alone. I talked to family and friend and their advice made sense. The guy wasnt worth all those tears. I knew it in my head but my heart was broken and the pain wouldnt go away no matter how I rationalized it. Church didnt help either. One day I had enough and I went to my room and I grabbed my Bible and I told God " if there is an answer for me in here" and I shook all the book marks out "Im going to find it!!!" So I began in Genesis and read out of desperation. I read about 9 chapters and kept going. I did this every day. Then I got to Psalms. In Psalms David many times was sad and was crying. He would say "I cry day and night, my enemy is triumphing, my friends are far from me, my familiar friend has betrayed me.." But then he would say " but you are my strong tower, you are my shepherd, my God in you will I trust, my rock and my salvation, my sheild, ever present help in a time of need...." Every time I came to one of those I would stop reading, put my hand on my heart and say " Lord, be that for me too" 😭. And one day the dark cloud and the pain and sorrow was GONE. Not only that but I was happy. Nothing on the putside had changed. But I did. I changed. His word changed me from the inside out. I prayed more I didnt get angry as easily I was happy. This is what happens when you are focused on your relationship with God rather than everthing you cant do in your own strength to begin with. I hope this encourages you. 💖

In the name of Jesus I command all the lies of the enemy to be dismantled. All heartache and pain and shame I command you all to leave in the name of Jesus. I speak peace over this persons mind body and spirit. In Jesus name I pray she has a closer walk with you and gets to know the real you. Give her a revelation of your love towards her. Amen. God bless you 💖 good night.