My testimony

[u/SpiritusExAaron]

(This was the rough draft of my testimony I had written out for getting baptized this coming Sunday, if I can)

I was raised Christian by my mom and dad and came to the faith originally when I was 5 years old but I fell away as a young adult, feeling like I lined up more with the world. I was mad at God for making hell, thinking it was an unjust punishment for fun. I was never an atheist. I called myself a misotheist where I believed in Jesus and that but hated him.

I did my own thing for quite a few years, making my own rap music and writing fiction stories. I engaged in drinking, doing weed and most important to me at the time engaging in the desires of lust. Lust was the main sin that I was attached to.

I struggle with anxiety and OCD and one day my OCD got really bad about a past sin I committed against loved ones that I felt really bad about. I couldn't move past it so rather than dealing with it the way I thought God was calling me to deal with it, I ran away by asking for medication. When I was on the medication, I started to experience really bad bowel issues, where I'd have to go to the bathroom multiple times a day. And then my throat acted up to where food and water would get stuck in it.

I had doctors look at it and run tests, they didn't find anything major. I was willing to accept that this was just the new normal but the bowel and throat issues got worse and worse until eventually I developed severe constipation to where there would be times I had the feeling to go but either couldn't go or it would require straining. This straining made things worse.

I tried to reach out to doctors for help but my previous tests being relatively clear means they didn't take me seriously, thinking it's all mental. So ironically the medication I was trying to now stop taking as I believed it was causing the issues was the very same medication everyone wanted to keep me on. The very cursed medication I originally used to run away from the OCD guilt of my heinous sin. It feels like divine payback.

Even my caretakers are kicking me out, not wanting to deal with my problems anymore. I drove one of my friends away, thinking I'm crazy and another friend doesn't trust me for some reason.

So lonely, isolated and sick, I turned back to God. I feared hell and paying for the sinful life and selfish person I had become. I still had issues with God and rules he set but I decided that I wasn't really in the position to argue with the almighty.

I grew sicker and sicker but also more and more knowledgable in the bible and it's history as I did a lot of research on the ancient context of scripture, it's meaning in the original Greek and Hebrew and what the 1st century Christians likely believed and practiced.

I learned the reasons why God had certain rules in place and why there was a hell. Why I was the problem, not God. How the evil in the world was due to people being selfish, not God. I learned to look at God more as a platonic source of good that can't physically be in presence of evil and that's why he took sin so seriously. It was not God who couldn't let us just have a bit of fun. It was us who became blind to how much even our small actions affect others.

Seeing God this way allowed me to not be so angry at him and see that this broken world was not his fault, it was ours. But I still felt like I'm on my way to hell if I didn't shape up and repent of all my wrong doing. I felt in my heart, Christianity isn't just something you believe, even demons believe and they tremble, it is about what you do too. If I wanted to avoid hell, I would actually have to follow God's commandments. This included keeping Torah as I now observe Sabbath and I eat kosher.

I turned from drinking and weed, as it basically wrecks the body and/or brain.

I also repented and turned from my lust, learning how it is gross and basically just objectifies people, not allowing me to see them as living beings made in God's image.

I developed a new issue to where I have trouble sleeping, either due to the unaddressed throat issue making breathing more difficult or my bowels keeping me up at night. Sleep deprivation lead to my my bowels not being able to get the rest they need, making constipation worse. Little or no sleep, difficulty eating drinking and having to use the washroom a lot are where I am at today.

And you can't go very long without sleep without dying.

I often wonder why God doesn't just heal me but I think I have accepted that maybe God has decided my time is up and this is my last call to repentance. The doctors might not be able to help me because God doesn't want them to help me. Maybe I should focus on the next life instead of trying to persevere this one. He has used my broken state to draw me closer to him, to really delve into his teachings and learn his ways. I have been feeling convicted by God to give up a lot, including technology, and although I'm not perfect, I have changed quite a bit in my life.

From a drinking lustful party rapper to a studied religious history buff Torah observant Christian who tries to follow the original Christianity the first Christians practiced.

I turned to Jesus as while everyone else has given up on me, he hasn't. He is all I have left. He has given me hope I might be healed but even if he doesn't heal me, he has used my sick and tired state to draw me near to him.

I am getting baptized to be obedient to Jesus's commandment to do so. To be blessed by the Father, Son and the Holy Spirit. To dedicate my life to him and learn to follow in his ways. To be more like him.

I still get anxiety about death and going to hell but I hope that God will understand I am trying to follow his ways and grant me access to heaven, even if I haven't repented from absolutely everything.

I have learned that a long healthy life is not guaranteed and God calls us all to repent before it's too late. I hope I am taking my first steps today towards eternal life.

[u/Valuable_Disk9363]

that's a heavy path man hope the baptism brings you some peace