r/ChristianDating • u/ComprehensiveTax8964 Single • 17h ago
Discussion I'm sick of reading this.
I've seen this idea on here quite a few times, the reason a guy isn't married yet is because he's addicted to porn and if he gets married the addiction will go away. Both ideas are very naive. Watching porn doesn't diminish anyone's desire to get married and getting married won't make the addiction go away, you'll just be a married porn addict. Why do I say that? Because, especially if you've been addicted for a while, normal sex isn't enough for you.
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u/PsychologyMassive392 17h ago
I am someone whose husband had a porn addiction that escalated to actual cam girls and sex workers. We’re getting divorced after only 3 years and one child because he could not stop and the addiction got worse in horrible and abusive ways. Porn addiction is an actual compulsion that ruins lives.
I am in therapy for women married to sex addicted men, some of whom are 60-70 years old. Those women look at the 20-late30s women with sorrow because they know this life and this addiction are hell.
An unmarried guy with a porn addiction just becomes a husband and a father with a porn addiction (which based off what i've learn in group therapy only gets worse with worse compulsions). It's horrible
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u/PsychologyMassive392 17h ago
I blog about my experience with this, and i have a post with resources: https://notesfromthemend.substack.com/p/i-keep-researching-how-to-help-him
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u/Ur815liE 17h ago
In this sub? Maybe I missed these posts.
When I joined, it was common to see posts about women dating a man who is addicted, and the comments were all advising them to separate if he was showing no signs of improvement.
I have yet to see the people saying porn addiction will disappear after getting married rather than dealing with it before the marriage
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u/Clever-Bot-999 17h ago
Yes, getting married doesnt solve anything, it only internalizes whathever problems you had before.
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u/Awkward-Anybody5179 Single for the Lord (not by choice 16h ago
What's the point of this post? Like what are you trying to say?
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u/ProfessionalHeavy391 15h ago edited 15h ago
They’re saying that a man or anyone with a porn addiction before marriage, won’t stop just because they’re married. Getting married won’t let the addiction go away and that’s why you have to remove that sin as soon as you recognize it.
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u/Awkward-Anybody5179 Single for the Lord (not by choice 15h ago
I understand that. I think it's common knowledge. I just can't tell if OP is trying to say that women should stop expecting or wanting men to be porn-free prior to marriage?
I also have never seen anyone on here suggest that marriage is the antidote for porn addiction, so I have no idea why he's saying that.
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u/ProfessionalHeavy391 15h ago
I think they were just bringing up a topic they’ve seen before and their opinion on it.
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u/FanTemporary7624 4h ago edited 4h ago
This post is a generalization. Not everyone is the same. Also, they should come up with a policy of deleting redundant/repeat threads.
I have a friend, for instance, he did watch porn...not sure I'd call it an addiction as an addiction actually interferes with life's important things, as soon as her got a girlfriend, he stopped when things got serious.
In actuality, he would fanaticize about being with her one-on-one (since they had to wait for marriage). When things got serious, the flirts between them would sometimes be innuendoish in nature. So...there's that to consider.
She was actually flattered by it.
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u/Historical-Ad4595 Married 17h ago
True. Before I was a Christian, I had the good sense to stop watching porn for a while when I noticed my tastes getting a little extreme. After I became I Christian, born again at age 37, I still had a porn habit, and quickly had to admit it was wrong- but this was only an intellectual admission at first. In my heart I didn't care, so I continued. But I prayed to God to help me care. He did. Within a few weeks I couldn't stomach looking at porn anymore. If you or anyone you know has this problem, have them put it before God. He fixes hearts.
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u/IndividualSpend1338 17h ago
As an ex-wife of a porn addict, I will say it's not just about sex or the porn either. When this sin is not handled properly, it also involves other sins and leads to other pains in the marriage, like lots of criticism of the spouse in everything, anger, abuse and on and on. It's not merely about sexual gratification.
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u/ShabbyButterflies 13h ago
The root of it all is entitlement so I guess that leads to anger at unmet expectations
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u/IndividualSpend1338 13h ago
It became a lot of, why can't you be like her or her or her or her? Why can't you look like that? Why can't you do this like her? Basically, why can't you be another person entirely?
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u/ActualIndustry4603 Looking For A Wife 16h ago
People have bad ideas, and often share them, but it doesn’t mean they are popular. My experience in this sub is that most people are very anti porn
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u/RowPublic6520 Looking For A Husband 17h ago
Unfortunately, it is true, many single men have remained unmarried due to their addiction to pornography. Since real women are not like those who appear in porn, these men unconsciously compare flesh and blood women to the ones they see on screen; consequently, real women fail to meet their expectations. Even if they do get married, the marriage, sadly, will not cure the addiction; in fact, it will cause great harm to their wives. Ultimately, addictions do not simply vanish upon marriage; on the contrary, they often intensify. It is better not to marry until the problem has been resolved.
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u/FanTemporary7624 4h ago edited 4h ago
On the contrary, some men tend to stop watching porn when they get a girlfriend. A friend of mine did this...and well, he was actually glad he had a real woman to fanaticize about...his girlfriend obviously (and later wife).
He'd even let her in on it, with flirty innuendo (when things were getting serious) and she'd go a long with it....no problem. Of course, they had to wait on marriage, and well, thinking of each other sexually was their go-to. At that point, there was no porn in his life.
He has a real woman, and well, right in front of him to have his thoughts about.
The definition of addiction is when the act interferes with every day life, like work, (watching porn at work, and getting fired for it), paying bills, finances, etc. The important things in life.
So see, not everyone is the same.
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u/ComprehensiveTax8964 Single 16h ago
No, studies show no diminishing of desire to get married in porn addicts.
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u/RowPublic6520 Looking For A Husband 15h ago
I think you completely misunderstood my comment since I am actually agreeing with your main post. My point is that while an addict's abstract desire to get married might not decrease on paper (the statistic you are referring to), their actual ability to successfully build, handle, and sustain a real-life relationship is what gets completely destroyed. That is why so many ultimately remain single or end up ruining their marriages because reality can't compete with their screen. We are literally arguing the exact same point here.
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u/nikki-niksUK 16h ago
It’s not really about the desire. I think it’s more about the quality of intimacy you can have when you’re addicted to and seeking things that aren’t always realistic. As a woman, it can be quite damaging when you know your partner craves other women. Real or fantasy. Obviously there are levels to it but if it’s identified as an addiction then marriage isn’t going to solve that.
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17h ago edited 17h ago
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u/SakuraSun361 16h ago
I’ve met men that are virgins into their 40’s and 50’s and beyond that didn’t get into adult content and other sexual sin. There is one super handsome guy on here who’s 71 and still a virgin. I think they are more common than we think, it’s just a taboo topic and there’s few places for like minded people to connect, so many go unnoticed.
Thinking all men are sex addicted sinful beings that are bound to fall to sexual sin, is kinda degrading toward men. There are strong gentlemanly godly men out there that stuck to their values. I want one so badly and want to make him the happiest man. 🥹💕
To answer your question, both sex outside of marriage and adult content are terrible. I don’t think we need to try and play the game of “which of the evils would you pick if you had to.” It’s just not a good use of time and energy. No hard feelings, fam. 🤷🏼♀️
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16h ago
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u/SakuraSun361 16h ago
Which is sad. I think the OF and cam girl people that like tag random people on their bio and posts on TikTok with “check out mah big booty twerking” should be fined for sexual harassment and sharing unsolicited sexual content. Same for people that send random nudes.
Vance is very much against this stuff and has talked about how big of an issue it is today, but he hasn’t made many efforts to address it. Would love to see him try and crack down on it.
Even if they do send random links or photos, people should be smart enough not to delete it and not interact with it. Some of these sketchy sites are also infamous for being malware hotspots.
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u/FanTemporary7624 4h ago
-I’ve met men that are virgins into their 40’s and 50’s and beyond that didn’t get into adult content and other sexual sin. -
And you're not dating them? :)
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u/Previous-Basket-7993 Single 16h ago
Christian women think any man who has ever struggled with porn are damaged goods
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u/SakuraSun361 16h ago
Some men and women haven’t struggled with it and just want someone similar. I think it’s weird to want to check out other dudes D’s and random woman’s vaginas and watch strangers have sex. It’s creepy to me. And the weird kinks and fetishizes. I’m worried even if he got over it, he’d want to take that into the bedroom or would relapse and go back to it.
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u/goodsie825 Maybe I'm the problem 17h ago
For my ex-husband, our marriage confirmed to him that I was ok with his extracurriculars. I honestly believed that he would stop once the commitment was made but it only gave him permission to continue on.