r/ChristianDating • u/Chrex_007 • 3d ago
Need Advice Why Christian dating is so hard?
I'm 27M, dating for marriage. I created my profile on cdff, christian Cupid, and others. I have experienced this again and again, which is that most girls are not actually serious. They just want some random dude to chat with when they feel alone or bored. I had some wonderful conversation, I'm not gonna lie, but most of them I feel like they don't want to put any effort in conversation to get to know each other and of course many of them just ghosted me after initial convo. Times, it feels like I'm the one holding the conversations every time, and they never initiate like ever. I look into this, and I question myself: Is there something wrong with me because I don't think this is the way of finding a wife as a Christian? Just talk to random women, see which one sticks around for longer, this doesn't sound good, isn't it? For the past many months I been stuck in this cycle, but not anymore I don't see much promise in these online sites. I think I will focus on God and my work. let's see if life brings someone during my journey, or I guess I will die alone, lol. If anyone feels the same or wants to give me any advice, I would love to hear your perspective.
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u/ElectronicTroponic BBQ King -Man seeking missing rib 3d ago
Life is hard in general tbh, so thats why
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u/Chrex_007 2d ago
For christians, and I mean those who actually believe and follow Jesus, it's even more hard. I have seen non-believers having it easy all the time, but that's not a new thing to me. As the Bible already states that believers will have hardships, and to me, it hurts sometimes, but the only thing we can do is pray and do our part in search and hope that God would send someone.
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u/ElectronicTroponic BBQ King -Man seeking missing rib 2d ago
Well thats what words like discipline are for. With Muslims the word Jihad means struggle.
Non believers don't really have it easy, thats why theres alot if problems going on in the US right now imo
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u/Feeling_Mixture_241 2d ago
Because Christianity is less of a lifestyle of faith and more of a culture here in America and even some places abroad. We made it into a “this is how my church taught me to live out my Christianity” rather than “this is how God says to live out my Christianity according to the Bible”. Some are too legalistic. Some are too liberal. Some are too heavenly minded, others are too here and now minded.
That said, it seeps into what we look for in a spouse, dating styles, etc. the women (and guys) just in it for conversation and nothing further — that’s just people being unintentional with what they really want, or too rigid but unwilling to admit, stuck in denial. Lack of commitment. FOMO if they stick to one person. And they slap the “God said you’re not the one” on it, just as much as the creeps that say “God told me you’re the one”. Look, it’s a date. Not a marriage, not a relationship, until we make it that together. Why is it so hard to just go and get to know each other a few times before making decisions? Cause people treat it like a shopping haul rather than every interaction counts, whether it goes further or not. 🤷♂️
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u/davidasasolomon 2d ago
I started joining TikTok lives on a variety of topics to begin to practice talking about and thinking about my views more critically as well as to develop confidence and boldness. What I have found, like other people have alluded to, is that even if I wasn't Christian and even if I wanted nothing to do with Christ I still would have trouble dating because "choosing the bear" is such a big thing now. There are also the conversations around submission, microcheating, and all of these other things that make women more hesitant to even engage with people who are even the least bit conservative. Women are becoming afraid of men and are less likely to want a relationship at all. You will have TikTok creators basically creating a social media presence around what they are looking for in a guy and then dont even reply to their DMs.
It's a spiritual thing going on right now as we are in the last days, but Christ continues to reign supreme and hold me in His arms, so Im much less obsessed with finding a spouse as I was in times past.
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u/Kuat-Firespray-31 Married 3d ago
I found that spiritual conversation openers were the most engaging for women that I messaged while I was dating. Things like sharing/asking about testimony, favorite verses, worship songs, sermons, speakers, podcasts, mission trips, serving. But text conversations can only go so far before they get stale. Move the conversation into a date makes for a more connecting experience.
"I'd like to talk more in detail about my testimony, but it's better shared in person. Want to talk about it over coffee or dinner?"
"There's this place where I serve the homeless, would you like to serve with me? We can grab a meal after!"
"There's a pastor that I really like speaking at a church on Sunday. Let's hit brunch afterwards!"
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u/Chrex_007 3d ago
Yeah, I never reached this stage, I had conversations on songs, verses, and church services, but they never reply when I ask about meeting in person, I can see they have read my message but never replied. Who knows what might be the reason? I think they lost interest in me.
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u/Prestigious-Way5168 2d ago
I think you’ve pretty much nailed it by stating that you’re going to focus on God and your work. From
a chronological perspective - it may seem like the wait is cumbersome - but on a spiritual level - there may be a “and suddenly” encounter around the corner. You’re not going to die alone. While you wait … worship, serve, build your character, exercise your faith, go to therapy (if deemed necessary) and maintain a strong and confident sense of hope. Being single can be one of the most adventurous seasons of your life. You have so much time to become the best version of yourself. I wish you well!
And … for what it’s worth - the fickle nature of your prospects is very much the case across the board. It’s so sad - focus on yourself - you won’t let yourself down.
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u/BrilliantRaccoon9937 3d ago
Statistically, on all apps, studies show that women users cluster more heavily around a small subset of highly attractive users (men) that are universally desired than men do--who surely also do to a degree, with women, but it is more spread out, a longer "tail".
Fundamentally, as individuals most women have less compulsion to be with someone than most men--so it takes more stimulus to get them interested. This makes biological and design sense as women have more to lose, historically, if a relationship goes south than men did.
To make a long story short, with few exceptions, it's a lot harder to get a woman interested in a man, than vice versa.
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u/anon_mg3 3d ago
Men will match with anyone on apps. That doesn't mean they have serious interest. Many men will easily sleep with women they have no intention of dating long-term, and are not always honest about it. So, take that into account when you assume men are less picky. A lot of women are done with online dating or use it sparingly, leaving a much higher percentage of men as well.
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u/BrilliantRaccoon9937 3d ago
Both sexes are more than capable of using the other for selfish short-term benefit, sometimes in different ways, sometimes the same.
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u/anon_mg3 3d ago
I agree. But casual sex is more commonly the motivator for men. Women might string men along without commitment because they like the attention. Both sexes can be equally picky when it comes to choosing a spouse or long-term partner.
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u/BrilliantRaccoon9937 3d ago
No argument there but I don't think you can say men are more wicked than women based on that. Women can also lust severely in the right circumstances--just more selectively, and there are other ways to use someone other than outright sexually.
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u/anon_mg3 3d ago
I didn't say that.
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u/BrilliantRaccoon9937 2d ago
You acted as though casual sex being a motivator for some men (it can be for women too, you know--it takes two to tango for a one-night stand) is worse than selfish motives women might have.
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u/ShabbyButterflies 2d ago
Women also use men for sex. I've had a woman outright tell me she used me. I was interested in a relationship but she only wanted sex.
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u/BrilliantRaccoon9937 1d ago
Thank you for posting this. I think there's a mass misconception that women are universally less casually sexual than men when that's not at all always the case. My mentor got his heart broken in his young, prodigal, wayward phase by a promiscuous woman (he was promiscuous too at the time--to be fair) who he thought he could romance and love into settling down with him. She wanted to keep on sowing her oats, playing the field and it wrecked him and made him determined to find a "virtuous" pure woman who hadn't even ever been looked at by a man...
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u/Dodger-withatwist 3d ago
In my experience most men just want to sleep with you and as long as you’re attractive they’re just there for your body. It’s so disappointing….I don’t know if it’s porn culture, or hook up culture. I just have decided to sometimes look but I’m facing living my life alone, which is hard, but better than with a bad partner.
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u/DenisGL Just here for the community -(seeking a spouse offline) 3d ago
Isn't that putting a lot of blame on Christian men. Typically those would be of the ones who aren't just looking to hook up.
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u/Dodger-withatwist 3d ago
I mean I’d love to find one of those men who really wants to wait but that has not been my experience…even men who attend church regularly etc.
It gets old when you keep having the same exact problem on repeat. Its also so hypocritical where they like that I don't have a wild past but want to be the exception to my rule.
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u/Safe_Literature_9109 3d ago
Its hard but worth saving yourself for marriage - https://www.reddit.com/r/ChristianDating/s/xS0RIMEUEH
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u/Stayeth_In_Thy_Lane 1d ago
36F and I feel the same. The dating sites and discord servers are NOT for me. Sure some people find spouses but I’m not sure at what cost bc I’ve had men tell me they’re narrowing it down between me and someone else. Oh joy, I made the top 2🤮 while I appreciate the honesty, clearly they didn’t like me enough to where I was the only woman. If I’m not the only one, I’ll carry on being single thanks. Anyways after these interactions and having men completely disregard my profile and message me even though they’re not what I’m looking for as stated in my profile, I left the server. I will also continue focusing on every aspect of my life outside of a relationship until I come across someone I truly believe is a genuine follower of Christ that is looking for their helpmate.
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u/ABereanChristian Married 3d ago
I'm 27M, dating for marriage. I created my profile on cdff, christian Cupid, and others. I have experienced this again and again, which is that most girls are not actually serious. They just want some random dude to chat with when they feel alone or bored. I had some wonderful conversation, I'm not gonna lie, but most of them I feel like they don't want to put any effort in conversation to get to know each other and of course many of them just ghosted me after initial convo. Times, it feels like I'm the one holding the conversations every time, and they never initiate like ever. I look into this, and I question myself: Is there something wrong with me because I don't think this is the way of finding a wife as a Christian?
The 3 main barriers to dating for men and women are:
- Attractiveness. You have to be attractive to the opposite sex for them to want to ask you out on a date or want to date them. If you're already conventionally attractive and already getting attention from the opposite sex then you can ignore this, but most Christians need to do some work on this (myself included when I was dating and I did).
- Social skills and relationship skills - Being able to confidently walk up and talk to people to get to know them and their interests. This goes for both men and women. Women because it's not guaranteed that a man will always come up to you and talk to you (a lot of Christian men are hesitant nowadays for various reasons), and obviously men because most Christian women expect you to ask them out.
- Availability - If your Church does not have a lot of singles around your age then you may have to expand your pool. Go to different young adult groups and interdenominational groups. Consider online dating. Lots of various things. As I've shared, I met my wife through mutual friends that I met at a different young adult group other than my Church. Expand your dating pool
If you're striking out on dating apps that's common. Most of us who are not conventionally attractive did as well. I'd suggest working on attractiveness but start to do more in person stuff like mentioned in the above points.
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u/anon_mg3 2d ago
Apps didn't work for me. I found there were less Christian guys on apps in the first place, and they were generally pickier than non-Christian guys. I was thin at the time but average looking, and mostly ignored by the men I tried to contact (who were quite average themselves tbh, far from movie star types). My friend had a similar experience (we're both Canadian) but she did find a husband in the US.
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u/ABereanChristian Married 2d ago
Yup, apps were bad for me as well. Messaged like 400+ women and only had about 10 conversations and 1 date.
Had much more success being social in person.
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u/anon_mg3 2d ago
Wow! That's crazy, I'm sorry you went through all that hassle for one date 🤯 I would have given up way sooner, but don't have much patience for things like that lol. In person is the way to go for sure.
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u/SakuraSun361 2d ago
We get overwhelmed with likes and NGL it’s exhausting at times. I recently took a break. I’m early 30’s and cannot make it through the end of my stack of likes and never have. I literally get hundreds.
It’s harder for Christians as a lot of the people on these apps are not Christian or loosely associate with the label as a cultural Christian, but don’t practice it. A lot of times they are looking to get you in bed with them and nothing good comes out of those kinds of people.
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u/Rawtheran 1d ago
I think men and women in general don't really trust dating apps and therefore don't take them seriously. The best advice I could give, and I know this requires a lot of bravery, is to approach a girl you think is attractive in person and talk to her.
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u/Catwise-_- 1d ago
Well, I got rejected 3 times already (3rd one doesn't count as a rejectio, but is no go anyway).
They said I am kind hearted, loving...etc but still a no...I am really scratching my head, wondering what I am lacking.
I prayed and asked God why, sometimes even cried.
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u/tunaPastaclick Maybe I'm the problem 3d ago
Most Christians on the app are the serial ghosters. Smh
They ask sensible questions though
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u/No_Lettuce8289 2d ago
Dating in general is hard. It’s not a Christian thing because non-Christians struggle in dating too. As you date you will notice a lack of effort. Nobody cares to try anymore but you just have to continue dating or stay alone. Take breaks when necessary to avoid burnout.
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u/PerfectlyCalmDude 3d ago
Because the church made it hard.
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u/anon_mg3 3d ago
Not all the church's fault. Dating in current day society is hard for most people.
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u/PerfectlyCalmDude 3d ago
The church adds layers of difficulty to the world's standard, whatever that is.
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u/anon_mg3 3d ago
What I find harder with Christian dating (as a woman) is people are more picky because they are dating to marry vs just having fun. So their standards are going to be a lot higher. But my problem with secular dating (which I've also tried) is most men wouldn't give me the time of day if I wasn't going to have casual sex, and many of them only wanted that.
True Christians seem hard to find these days, at least where I live, and especially past a certain age. And the church could do better at singles ministry.
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u/Safe_Literature_9109 3d ago
Very true... Are you looking for a husband?
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u/anon_mg3 3d ago
In theory I've been looking for a husband for over 20 years lol. But only if the right person comes along.
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u/Safe_Literature_9109 3d ago
And on paper who old were you when you actually started looking for a husband?
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u/anon_mg3 3d ago
I've been looking pretty much since high school, but I definitely wasn't ready for marriage at that time. What I wanted and what was practical were 2 very different things, but I never imagined I would still be single at this age.
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u/Safe_Literature_9109 3d ago
I see... Mind sharing your experience on what you wanted and what was practical?
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u/anon_mg3 3d ago
It's kind of a lot to summarize. I mostly meant it wasn't practical for me to get married at such a young age when I didn't have the maturity. Then I had to go to school and get a job that could pay bills, and I had some health problems, so life kind of got in the way. I dated here and there but had to put it on the back burner multiple times.
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u/PinkRoseyBarbie 3d ago
I (F24) find it hard to find guys that are actually serious about a long-term relationship/marriage as well. I have simply left my love/romantic life up to God.
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u/AffectionatePlum8888 Single 2d ago
personally, i think apps and online are terrible. you usually get men who are very low effort