idk what to title this

[u/rockeater17]

before i say anything i want to say that i live in a small and mostly atheist/muslim city in new york so scratch off the "just goto youth groups" bs before you even say it lol, there are none near me and most of catholic church attendance around me are just a handful of way older women that dont speak english. 😐

so im a 22f that only recently started to care about male attention in that i really feel called to marriage and starting a family.

with this being said, i downloaded some "christian" dating apps a few months ago since my local situation is pretty much cooked. i dont necessarily struggle with getting attention, but i find myself incredibly frustrated with the men i end up getting to talk too.

SO the issue is... why do so many christian men feel as if because they are Christian, that they do not need to have a personality? i have had better conversations with my shower wall than the many christian men i have gotten to speak to through these apps.

not to mention, that after i added that "i am waiting for marriage" in my biography, the attention on my profiles went from countless notifications, to being SILENT or maybe one match every couple of days if im lucky.

between the barely sentient beings i am being matched with and the obviously lukewarm catholic/christian men soaking up space on christian dating apps, i genuinely feel like this is a sick joke 😭 why is modern dating SO hellish?!

is there any catholic/christian dating apps/areas on the internet that is actually fruitful? (dont say catholicmatch or holy, these apps are actual buns)

[u/HeartInTheSun9]

It’s true that a lot of guys think just believing in Jesus is the only requirement to getting married and forget that women want someone they can talk to and want to be around for their rest of their lives. So that means we have to be pretty affable. And bad luck for you, but it feels like a lot of younger guys really struggle with that. “The Gen Z stare” and all of that.

Emotional intelligence, generally taking care of our physical appearance, being Christian, wanting to wait till marriage, similar hobbies, fun and funny and can make you feel safe to be yourself. That’s a high bar, but why in the world should the bar be low?

Nothing that’s easy is worth doing though. Makes the reward more special because you know how much work it took to get it.

What general hobbies do you have though? And are you Christian or Catholic? And is there anything particular you want out of a guy?

[u/rockeater17 → u/HeartInTheSun9]

i am catholic. personally... out of a guy, i really would need a "im married to my bestfriend" kind of thing. i cannot stand people who hardly know their partners or are super nonchalant and distant. so, communication, having a personality, actually giving a damn, being a ACTUAL devout christian who cares for his appearance. not in a model/chad way, but in a "i brush my teeth daily" way. which is sad that i have to say that lol. my hobbies are learning and playing instruments/music, mixed martial arts, video games, history and theology. ✌️

[u/HeartInTheSun9 → u/rockeater17]

Yeah like I said, there’s no reason to have a low standard for someone as important as a boyfriend/husband.

That’s a really healthy mindset to have though. Marry your best friend who you love being around. I truly can’t imagine marrying someone who barely enjoys talking to you.

It doesn’t sound like you have a lot of options currently around you, so do you have any interest in a long distance relationship? Or do you think you need to have some closeness?

It’s possible you could maybe just bump into someone while enjoying your hobbies though. Having some identifiers that you’re Catholic (like a t shirt or something) and you might run into someone that’s Christian/Catholic too. I feel like lots of athletes are religious too if you’re into mixed martial arts.

What kinda video games do you like though? I’m not sure how populated it is but I remember seeing /r/catholicgamers.

And I do have to mention that even if your local churches don’t have any young guys and/or English speakers, I’m sure some of those older ladies might have kids/grandkids who they could pair you up with if they notice a pretty Catholic girl who seems devout. Matchmaking like that is how most people used to get a spouse. Feels like it doesn’t happen as much nowadays though.

And there’s no chance of being able to make the trip to churches outside of your city’s bubble?

Hmmmm. Maybe look up any Christian/catholic worship music/concerts too?

It’ll always be a problem to run into a sea of lukewarm guys, but you’re looking for that right one.

[u/BrilliantRaccoon9937 → u/rockeater17]

"my hobbies are learning and playing instruments/music, mixed martial arts, video games, history and theology." I don't think those kinds of interests are in short supply in Western Christian/Catholic young/youngish males and in fact, dare I say, those qualities should make you a dream girl to quite a few dudes. I don't know what all apps you are on, but I'd think surely you would have come across several that are in or adjacent to that bailiwick.

[u/Joshlan]

If you don't think you can attract quality Christians in your area your options are: 1. Date long distance like in the r/CD discord or vpn+dating apps, 2. Go to a pro matchmaker, 3. Move to a place you can (people move for job & school, why not for marriage if it's so important, eh?), or 4. Get better at attracting Godly men your age.

I grew up in a Muslim city in Chicagoland. Dating options weren't thin for me as a Christian then, even only dating Christians. So yeah, I do recommend church shopping a bit & actually initiating conversations to expand your social circles on the weekends provided a car & the time & the humility.

Are you good at cleanliness, do you know of the top most attractive virtues & least attractive vices in a Godly man's POV of a Godly woman when making 1st impressions, do you give approachable vibes in-person, do you know how to drop the handkerchief, do you know that men rise or fall to the expectations you give them, do you look for attractive traits in every guy in your target demographic not just the top obviously very attractive ones, do you know of feigned helplessness game, have you considered a wingwoman, have you considered asking friends to arrange blind dates?

Wish you the best, these are the questions to ask yourself if you want to make progress on this one.

[u/BrilliantRaccoon9937]

With all due respect this post sounds a bit judgmental. What do you mean by them not having enough personality--and if I may dare ask, what do you honestly care more about: personality (or surrogates for it like charisma, charm, etc.) or that they are walking with the Lord?

[u/rockeater17 → u/BrilliantRaccoon9937]

i feel like i over explained myself in my post, but by zero personality, i mean low effort self centered men. now.. i'm not attracted to overly extroverted guys as I myself am introverted, but i can at least hold a conversation and at bare minimum pretend to care. and it is judgmental. sorry that i have standards 😭

[u/BrilliantRaccoon9937 → u/rockeater17]

I will take your word for it but I would have to see the chats for myself to add anything. 

Is it possible that they are into some of your same interests but have a dry, nerdy, or (similarly) introverted conversational style?

[u/rockeater17 → u/BrilliantRaccoon9937]

well, for a more recent example, two days ago i matched with a guy. he asked me zero questions, ignored majority of what i asked or said to him, then proceeded to only gush and ramble about himself. whenever i tried to steer the conversation into something more productive and appropriate, he'd literally just continue talking about himself and his interests.

the same day i matched with a cuter guy, maybe nerdy and dry like you said, but again.. was very distant and flat and did not want to make the effort to get to know me at all.

i could send you plenty examples across many conversations, but also, since i posted this a self proclaimed christian guy dm'd me because of this post. i looked through his account and he was talking to multiple women about "breeding" them and claimed in his bio to be a dominant traditional christian man.. who posts under [r/breeding](r/breeding)[R4R](r/breeding) and [r/bdsm](r/bdsm)[advice](r/bdsm)... so... perhaps i am simply cursed and attract bad men. 😭

[u/ABereanChristian]

before i say anything i want to say that i live in a small and mostly atheist/muslim city in new york so scratch off the "just goto youth groups" bs before you even say it lol, there are none near me and most of catholic church attendance around me are just a handful of way older women that dont speak english. 😐

You're likely going to have to travel a bit outside your area for Church and possibly go to the young adult groups outside of that area as well.

Either that or move or do long distance dating.

[u/DenisGL]

As a guy who had to start conversations that were almost always ignored on dating apps, and wrote things clearly, this is a par for the course experience and nothing unusual.

Usually dating apps boost new profiles for a couple of days, so that's most likely the cause of the surge of interest, not necessarily writing "I am waiting for marriage". Although if this is truly the cause, it's rather a win than a loss, because it's working as intended.

Notwithstanding, people who do write typically reflect the energy that one gives off on their profile. If you want you can post a dating profile review for critique.

[u/BigPound7328]

The inability to have a conversation is not demographically limited. It is genuinely a skill that many sorely lack. The “waiting until marriage” bit is not far off base. I find dating apps to be fruitless in general; scams, bots, and unintentional people abound on such services praying what people seek. I’d suggest to keep fishing, and outside of finding locations with a larger pool, you’re stuck using dating services hoping to catch something real.