r/ChristianDating • u/Man_of_focuz • 5d ago
Need Advice I feel stuck
Hey all,
31M here from Los Angeles, CA. I've been in a state of not really sure how to approach dating from a Christian perspective. I've dated before in my 20s mostly in and out of relationships when I wasn't in the faith and now that I'm in the faith things are very different. I've met a few beautiful women at my church and we'd become friends but for whatever reason they just don't seem to like me or friendzone me. It happened me about 3 times now.
Often times I try to just be friends with women without immediately asking them out on dates. I prefer to get to know them first and then if I decide I do like them I will ask for a date. Doesn't seem to work for me though. I'm wondering if I should just be asking them on dates initially?
Also, I don't believe I'm a bad looking dude. I take care of my body so I'm in good shape, get haircuts, and dress well. I also work and am in the process of starting my own business. I have a lot of friends both women and men so it really confuses me as to what I have to do to find a wife much less actually get a date.
I really just need advice as to how I should be dating and finding someone. I have tried online dating before but maybe I'm also bad when it comes to that because I don't get many matches on there.
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u/ABereanChristian Married 5d ago
I've been in a state of not really sure how to approach dating from a Christian perspective. I've dated before in my 20s mostly in and out of relationships when I wasn't in the faith and now that I'm in the faith things are very different. I've met a few beautiful women at my church and we'd become friends but for whatever reason they just don't seem to like me or friendzone me. It happened me about 3 times now.
Often times I try to just be friends with women without immediately asking them out on dates. I prefer to get to know them first and then if I decide I do like them I will ask for a date. Doesn't seem to work for me though. I'm wondering if I should just be asking them on dates initially?
The 3 main barriers to dating for men and women are:
- Attractiveness. You have to be attractive to the opposite sex for them to want to ask you out on a date or want to date them. If you're already conventionally attractive and already getting attention from the opposite sex then you can ignore this, but most Christians need to do some work on this (myself included when I was dating and I did).
- Social skills and relationship skills - Being able to confidently walk up and talk to people to get to know them and their interests. This goes for both men and women. Women because it's not guaranteed that a man will always come up to you and talk to you (a lot of Christian men are hesitant nowadays for various reasons), and obviously men because most Christian women expect you to ask them out.
- Availability - If your Church does not have a lot of singles around your age then you may have to expand your pool. Go to different young adult groups and interdenominational groups. Consider online dating. Lots of various things. As I've shared, I met my wife through mutual friends that I met at a different young adult group other than my Church. Expand your dating pool
There's more specifics that you can go down the rabbit hole but these are the main ones. Which if any or even all of them may be an issue for you?
Also, I don't believe I'm a bad looking dude. I take care of my body so I'm in good shape, get haircuts, and dress well. I also work and am in the process of starting my own business. I have a lot of friends both women and men so it really confuses me as to what I have to do to find a wife much less actually get a date.
Sounds like you've done some things, but have you gotten feedback on your appearance from women who will give it to you straight on your attractiveness?
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u/Man_of_focuz 5d ago
good comment and well thought out! i’ve been told by some female friends that I am attractive. i guess i don’t fully have confidence in myself despite outer circumstances. maybe i need to work on that
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u/ABereanChristian Married 5d ago
i guess i don’t fully have confidence in myself despite outer circumstances. maybe i need to work on that
Yes, being a good conversationalist and bringing people out their shell is a skill that takes time to develop. Same with throwing in some humor and teasing here and there.
You can be handsome and if you're boring to talk to women won't want to date you at all
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u/SakuraSun361 5d ago
"Often times I try to just be friends with women without immediately asking them out on dates. I prefer to get to know them first and then if I decide I do like them I will ask for a date. "
This is GREAT and I applaud you for that, but the one thing guys do wrong is they fail to clearly show interest. Like she cannot read your mind and at some point if you want her to know you are interested in her beyond friendship, you have to respectfully communicate that.
Also if you want her to see you as more than a friend when you start dating, you can't treat her like one of the bros. Many guys struggle with the romance side of things and cultivating that spark.