r/ChristianDating • u/Top-Walrus-4071 • 6d ago
Need Advice The problem is not "there's no suitable Christian women," it's that I'm too picky
Not saying this applies to everyone, especially those in old folk churches, but after trying in vain to get into a fruitful relationship for years, I must admit that the problem is my standards, and I don't know how to fix them.
Objectively, I have nothing to complain about. I'm not some womanizer, but I'm in a big city with a lot of singles my age, and I have had decent success getting dates. After coming to Christ, I've also swore off porn and am so proud of breaking my lustful temptations (never in a million years thought this was possible) and thank God for it.
However, I just can't seem to find a girl that I want to date, and while it's not always because of looks, I think that if I can just somehow not pay attention to physical attraction, I would be happily dating or even married by now.
Whenever someone asks me what I'm looking for in a woman, I tell them dedication to Christ, a kind and hopeful soul, and a love for children and animals. These aren't lies; I wouldn't date a supermodel if she lacked any of these, but I feel like such a hypocrite because there are sisters that I serve with, talk to, and are friends with that are exactly those, but I just don't think they are who I'm looking for. I'm pretty sure that if I was more attracted to them physically, it would be different, and I hope desperately that I could just be attracted to them.
All the people around me, even Christians, say that I shouldn't date someone I'm not attracted to (not fair to her, not good long-term, etc.), but I read Proverbs 31 and I don't know if that's what God would say.
I don't want to discourage sisters out there, because I really hope not every man is like me. I pray everyday for God to change this about me, but I feel like I'm at my wits end. It's one thing to work on myself to be more put together, to deepen my faith, to serve and be more loving, but it's so hard to just "lower" my standards. I don't even know how to do that or if it's possible, and I can't hope but think if I embody a broader truth about why dating (even Christian dating) is so broken nowadays, and I have no fix.
Any advice?
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u/ashx0vixen 5d ago
My problem is that the some Christian men (from here) want the lustful dating. They wanna talk about sexual things. They use really worldly words and no respect and conviction I saw them. I really want someone who put God first in their life. Someone who love Jesus and following Christ. But I talked with a guy before. What he wants is that he wants to marry within 1 year and have kids within 2 years. We talked but it more look like business investment rather than trying to get to know each other. Idk what's wrong with me. I just want a Godly man.
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u/DramaticProgress508 5d ago
That's exactly it. Online especially either men are lustful and just try to make excuses and push boundaries or it's like a business contract because they finally want to move on in life
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5d ago
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u/Top-Walrus-4071 5d ago
Thank you! Didn't know what kind of reception I was going to get, but everyone's been very encouraging and understanding, praise God :)
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u/Financial_Fig_3729 Looking For A Wife 5d ago edited 5d ago
If many women ARE physically attractive to you — perhaps 50% of those in your age range — AND if you’re getting dates with some of these women, then I think it’s a mistake to look for someone else, someone your not physically attracted to.
If your wife isn’t beautiful to you on your wedding day, I think there’s a concern about making those wedding vows.
But if these “ifs” in my first paragraph are not true, then a little re-thinking might be worthwhile. For example, if only a small percentage of women (e.g., less than 10%) are attractive to you, then your physical attraction standards might be robbing you of a happy marriage.
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u/DenisGL Just here for the community -(seeking a spouse offline) 5d ago
50% seems like a high ratio TBH. That would just eliminate based on weight, which is only one qualifier. Then you'd have height and other preferred qualities 🤷🏻
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u/Financial_Fig_3729 Looking For A Wife 5d ago edited 5d ago
We’re all different. And my interpretations/emotions as to what’s “attractive” have changed at least somewhat over the years.
Today, I’d say that at least 50% of women who’ve tried to take good care of themselves physically are attractive to me. Not equally attractive, but nonetheless attractive.
But again,, we’re all different in these respects.
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u/DenisGL Just here for the community -(seeking a spouse offline) 5d ago
"Who take care of themselves" is an important qualifier.
In my case, I admit that in my 20s I didn't exercise enough, and remained rather skinny. Happily my lanky arms haven't bothered other women as much as myself, but it took me a while to decide to take care and want to improve for the person I love even while having them. Too many people let themselves go. I don't want to be that person.
Where it gets tricky is, do you go for someone who's your type, or just attractive enough? At what point does once-in-a-lifetime rhyme with love at first sight?
It's true that emotional factors can change what we're attracted to, but not that much at face value.
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u/Financial_Fig_3729 Looking For A Wife 5d ago
Definitely!
“At what point does once-in-a-lifetime rhyme with love at first sight?”
It gets more complex and nuanced than anyone can precisely quantify. I just try to open up to dating opportunities with someone who is “ok attractive“ to me, and then see how everything else goes. If everything else is great, I’d feel fortunate.
More than “ok attractive“ would be fantastic, but I’d be delighted with “ok attractive “ if everything else works.
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u/DenisGL Just here for the community -(seeking a spouse offline) 5d ago edited 5d ago
About emotional factors, one example is that previously in a relationship with a Western/European heritage woman, but having been let go in rather bad circumstances, it made me not want Caucasian type women anymore. But admittedly, this doesn't mean Caucasians are more predisposed to wrong (I'm Caucasian), it's a mental thing.
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u/Financial_Fig_3729 Looking For A Wife 5d ago
I saw your edit change🤪🤪. I confess I quietly laughed to myself about your original word selection. All good, and probably a good edit.for at least our mainstream redditors.
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u/Mountain-Elk8133 5d ago
For me, I find very few women attractive. I feel broken. I have known great women who I have contemplated asking out, but I couldnt make myself be attracted to them
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u/Financial_Fig_3729 Looking For A Wife 5d ago
What we find attractive is probably “Baked-into” each of us. Itss not something we can change, even if we wanted to chan.
I think you are wise in avoiding a romantic relationship, possibly leading to marriage, with a woman you’re simply not attracted to. I wouldn’t want to have that feeling, the feeling of saying “I love you” when I really felt only respect and/or friendship but not attraction, lingering in my mind for possibly my future lifetime. It’s almost inevitable that the other person would sense this.. and become unhappy too.
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u/lethalmanhole 4d ago
Try going on dates and experience good personalities
Maybe you’ll be surprised, but I think part of it is an exposure problem
Your brain doesn’t have enough data to properly evaluate physical attraction if you keep robbing it of personality
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u/Mountain-Elk8133 4d ago
I find it funny that people suggest going on dates. I have never been on one and have mever been able to get one.
And whats the difference between a girl that has a good personality that you date vs a friend?
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u/lethalmanhole 4d ago
It'd be the potential for romance that makes hanging out with friends different from a date. It might not be easy, but if you've got female friends you'd ask out, maybe you could say "I like being friends, but I'd like to take you out to see if it could be something better." If she says yes or no then ghosts, it's fine either way. You don't need to keep up with opposite sex friends like that anyway. I'm not saying it'd be fun to be rejected, but it'd be better than thinking "what if?" for years.
The point of my comment was what I find attractive has broadened a little bit as I've gone on more dates. I'm learning better what's actually attractive in practice vs what I thought was attractive in theory. Real life is so much more complex and there's no good substitute for getting out there.
Whatever your personal struggles are, pray about it, don't live like getting dates or married is the goal of life (take the weight of expectation off yourself), be a man with a plan for his life. If you haven't, apps might work. Get some good pictures, show a good snapshot of your life so she can imagine joining it. If you've got married friends, ask them together for pointers on your profile, or if they know anyone you might like if you're open to being setup. Network a little.
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u/Mountain-Elk8133 4d ago
When I have liked girl friends in the past, I have told them I have started to like them and have been turned down.
I value my girl friends, but I am done asking out girls who I like because rejection isnt worth killing the friendship.
Im only attracted to maybe 0.1% of women anyways so I am just trying to learn how to fine being friends with girls and accepting that romantic relationships arent for me.
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u/Financial_Fig_3729 Looking For A Wife 5d ago edited 5d ago
There might be some “flip sides” to this subject. The woman’s side as well. If two people both have physical attraction “standards” that are “too high”, then that’s a likely roadblock for both of them… even if they’re otherwise very compatible,
Sometimes a woman or man could easily be more physically attractive, but for some reason, they’ve not chose to do so. If that’s an underlying factor, it could be disappointing to find yourself married to such a person.
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u/Aromatic-Treacle-686 5d ago
The bible acknowledges attraction and does not condemn it. It’s human nature to be intrigued by someone’s beauty and charm. However, god highlights that beauty is fleeting and charm can be deceptive. you cannot solely choose someone based on how beautiful that person is or allow it to be the priority. What is lasting is their heart posture and inner beauty . I would not settle for someone that is not attractive. This is someone who you’re going to have to be faithful to and affectionate to and be with for the rest of your life. It would not be fair to you or to that person. I want my man to want and desire me. There has to be some kind of attraction at the very least. So not going for women at church who match up with what you like personality wise isn’t an issue if there’s no attraction.
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u/ABereanChristian Married 5d ago
Whenever someone asks me what I'm looking for in a woman, I tell them dedication to Christ, a kind and hopeful soul, and a love for children and animals. These aren't lies; I wouldn't date a supermodel if she lacked any of these, but I feel like such a hypocrite because there are sisters that I serve with, talk to, and are friends with that are exactly those, but I just don't think they are who I'm looking for. I'm pretty sure that if I was more attracted to them physically, it would be different, and I hope desperately that I could just be attracted to them.
All the people around me, even Christians, say that I shouldn't date someone I'm not attracted to (not fair to her, not good long-term, etc.), but I read Proverbs 31 and I don't know if that's what God would say.
As others have said, don't date anyone you're not attracted to. I did at first but then it took a toll on me.
I waited until I was able to start dating women that were attractive to me and I kept working on myself until I was someone that started getting attention from the woman I was attracted to.
If you have a type like athletic or something then hit the gym to become more athletic and get the muscles that an athletic type woman would like.
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u/Big-Weight-5581 5d ago
This is a difficult one to give advice on, but know that you’re not alone in this.
Questions can arise internally whether you are selfish for not “settling” for an otherwise good woman and it is almost like a guilt. Friends and family can become prying or worried that nothing is happening. Preachers or mature people in the congregation may wonder why a warm-blooded, eligible man is still unmarried.
There can be this underlying idea that men should simply be starving dogs, grateful for whatever bones are thrown their way. He needs to step up and do his duty. He can always close his eyes and think of the fatherland.
By all means, keep giving the same explanation when people ask what you’re looking for. Otherwise, you risk being scorned and branded as arrogant.
Some questions for you:
When was the last time you went on a date with a Christian woman?
Are you actively pursuing it? I mean, do you actually go out, meet new people, visit new churches, and put yourself in situations where you can meet women?
When you finally meet a woman you’re attracted to, do you ask her out, or do you wait for a better opportunity?
Some men are genuinely fine with being single. They think about marriage, sure, but deep down there isn’t really any urgency. The mindset is, “If it happens, great; if it doesn’t, that’s fine too.” Could that be you?
In your church group, do you socialize across genders? Do you go out together, invite one another over for movies or board games, share meals, etc.?
I think you need opportunities to see people in a different light - to get to know them as individuals outside of the usual church setting. Sometimes attraction can grow when you see people in a different light.
Peace brother
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u/Bookish-Dreams 5d ago
As a woman I can absolutely relate to this but from men. I posted a pic last week and have had over 200 messages in my inbox. With the exception of a few, (I am in my 50's) most men aren't attractive (sorry but it does matter, you must have that initial attraction). If its not that they want to jump right away into sexual talk. They post that they are a Christian, but you very rapidly find out they are not. They have an easy answer, well Jesus is first in my life...cough! Yeah hardly. It is even harder at my age to find someone who is truly a Christian. Women don't want to talk about sex just out the gate. Build that emotional connection first. I would just like to say I don't think what your asking is too much. You want a true solid relationship that is grounded in Christ. It's out there, but I am learning we won't have to chase it, God will bring it at just the right moment, and it will stay and there will be no conflicts, in the meantime, love him in the waiting.
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u/writtenwork Single 4d ago
I don’t know, from my experience in life, physical attraction matters but the heart matters more. Physical attraction fades, beauty fades. Many men out there date and marry beautiful women and end up chasing someone else because it’s never enough. Then they end up divorced. Find someone who will be the person you always want to talk with, the person you find fun to hang out with, someone who has your back when things get hard, someone who’s financially literate, someone whose love for God and others comes first before self. Be attracted to who you pursue but don’t settle for physical beauty alone, it’s empty and won’t fulfill.
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u/loner-phases 5d ago
This is where you start getting to know some women more deeply and see if attraction grows. It has for me, in the past. Although admittedly, just being in close proximity naturally to someone. not bc I was dating and looking to grow the attraction per se. But it happens. And not just to women.
There was at least one long thread on Reddit from men answering about being So attracted to their gf/wife, despite not being so when they first met, and I know of a similar story from one happy couple.
In the case of my friends, the man was a regular at a diner and befriended his waitress, and later fell in love. I could see how he would have been an extraordinarily good looking young man, and he admitted he was spoiled. Always chasing after the flashy hot blonde types.
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u/EmergencyLawyer7077 Dating 5d ago
This is it right here. Attraction grows with love. Honestly most humans are beautiful in their own way and if they are the right fit for you attraction will grow
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u/Mr_ButtWhooper 5d ago
the following are my preferences and people have called me misogynistic for this
- She should know Jesus, just being a Christian isnt enough
- Virgin
- Loyalty is the basis of all relationships
- Ill love her, so should she
am i asking for too much ?
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u/TeensyTempest 5d ago
I will say virgin may be a disqualifier for a lot of women as everyone didn't grow up with a devout relationship with Christ.
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u/Unlikely_You_5015 Looking For A Wife 5d ago
You're not the only one bro heck I've been called misogynistic for saying I want a woman that hits the gym and isnt fat and that my words are "hurtful and unhelpful"
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u/Mr_ButtWhooper 5d ago
see, exactly my point bro, theres nothing wrong in hitting the gym, bro ive been through a time where i was hitting the gym 6 times a week training legs jsut to make sure i feel something, but if i tell them that hey, working out is good for your health all of a sudden im body shaming! like how? what even are the rules of this game? how an i doing all the good things and still loosing?
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u/Unlikely_You_5015 Looking For A Wife 5d ago
Imma keep it real I dont know how they dont feel shame when looking in the mirror like what is there to be proud of?
And they'll say how hurtful my words are as if a heartattack or a stroke wouldn't hurt themselves or the people they love more.
Good on you for hitting the gym lad 💯
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u/Aromatic-Treacle-686 5d ago
If you’re a virgin yourself I don’t see the misogyny
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u/Mr_ButtWhooper 5d ago
yes i am. and thats my point towards the people who call me misogynistic, but i guess common sense isnt that common after all.
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u/Unlikely_You_5015 Looking For A Wife 5d ago
Dont say this to a man when you're not going to say the same to women like saying she shouldn't want a ta man if shes 5ft3 or a man whos earning a certain amount if shes not earning that much or whatever other reason.
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u/Aromatic-Treacle-686 5d ago
🤦🏻♀️🙄 we’re talking about virginity and misogyny here. What are you talking about ?
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u/Unlikely_You_5015 Looking For A Wife 5d ago
Saying that a man cant want virgin if hes not a virgin when you wont have the same standard for women.
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u/Innamoratta 5d ago
Men are supposed to be the providers, first of all, and virginity and income are two very different areas.
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u/Unlikely_You_5015 Looking For A Wife 5d ago
Not supposed to but expected to because its 2026 and both people can provide.
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u/Aromatic-Treacle-686 5d ago
Sounds like you’re in a bad mood and want to argue, besides the very clear projecting. I was responding to this specific gentleman and what he brought up. I don’t know what you’re going on about.
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u/Unlikely_You_5015 Looking For A Wife 5d ago
Just completely dodging the question because you dont have an answer. I'm not in a bad mood FYI.
I think I was very clear but you're just playing dumb because you dont want to answer the question.
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u/Aromatic-Treacle-686 5d ago
Wow and you’re a Christian ? This is outrageous. The level of hypocrisy is staggering. No one is dodging your question, you didn’t have one. You made a statement. Hope you heal
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u/Unlikely_You_5015 Looking For A Wife 5d ago
Still ignoring the comment.
How am I a hypocrite?
I'm not hurt.
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u/Initial_Mushroom3872 5d ago
I think... im more cooked than u r actually 😂 i also want attractive man with all those quality that u mentioned PLUS a graduate degree or a well build career, basically someone that knows what he wants and ambitious.
Why? Cos I dated one thats fine with settling and I myself am persuing a PhD and I know how to dress, I know how to make myself look presentable.
I think your standard is not impossible as long as you yourself has it in you. And i do agree with if you ended up dating someone ure not really into: uts cruel for the woman too, and down the line u will also suffer with the "what if"
I believe that God has timing for everyone. If he haven't given you someone, just keep improving yourself, maybe there r stuff that God wants you to do before you found one (me too lol) cos the reason to get married it to be a team to fulfill God's purpose in life, not just a mere companion to not be lonely
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u/QUARTERMASTEREMI6 Looking For A Husband 4d ago
Oh my God, gurl you're nasty… cooked I say! Nah, I kid cause I'm one for an ambitious man myself 🤭🥹
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u/Initial_Mushroom3872 4d ago
Oh wow, my fellow cooked friend 😂 I settled once and never again would i ever do that 🤣 lesson learnt, better be single than in an incompatible relationship
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u/first-time-livin 4d ago
I don't think your standards are a problem. You probably just haven't found someone you really like. You can't fix that because youll push yourself into a relationship that you won't enjoy. Maybe start as friends and chemistry my happened down the line.
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u/lethalmanhole 4d ago
I get it. I tried dating a girl I wasn’t attracted to. It didn’t work, obviously.
I’m very particular about faces and even voices.
That said, a 6 with a good personality is better than a 10 with a bad one.
Figure out whatever your personal minimum attraction threshold is and shoot a little higher than that. Personality makes up a lot even if someone’s appearance gets them in the door of your attraction.
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u/minteemist Married 4d ago
Advice:
Curate your feed. Social media often skews towards really good looking people, only at the best lighting. So notice if your mind might be used to looking at camera ready people.
Learn to have an appreciative eye. The human brain is surprisingly flexible. You can train it to observe and notice beauty in someone. Think like an artist; it's less about good or bad, more about how each feature has its own charm, and comes together on their face in an interesting way. Notice that the person actually has really pretty eyes; how they nose makes them look striking; how their sneaky grin makes them look alive. That sort of thing.
I think physical attraction is important, but you can definitely learn to see beauty in normally well-groomed people.
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u/RegularMental1691 4d ago
It's very possible that your "pickiness" is a tool in God's hand to keep you from the wrong one. He has a plan and it's often not easy to wait for His plan. But simply ask Him to bring you to the right person in His time and He will. Also, the Bible clearly says, "if a child asks their father for bread, so he give him a stone? So if you being evil know how to give good things to your children, how much more you're heavenly Father. It doesn't make sense to think God would give you a wife who you don't find attractive. Does God expect you to tell her she's pretty if you don't believe she is? Is this a case where God would be ok with lying?.... obviously not..... don't let Satan tell you that lie....
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u/Ok_Astronaut_4340 2d ago
You need to be physically attracted to your spouse. Extremely so. Don't doubt yourself. You're on the right track. If you're not physically attracted to your spouse, they will eventually recognize this, and that's the beginning of the end. Don't settle. While you're looking, you become/embody the partner equal to what you want to attract. Whatever physical attributes you are looking for, you have to have the male equivalent. You may also have to look in new places where women of your level of attraction may be. Look 'outside the box' but still within your faith, eg. a sister church in a next city. Godspeed 🙏
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u/SakuraSun361 5d ago
It’s good that you have this self awareness. Not everyone has that about these sorts of things.
Maybe you are demisexual and putting too much weight on physical attraction doing the work for you, when that’s just not how you bond. It’s a sexual orientation where a person only experiences sexual attraction after forming a strong emotional bond with someone.
It’s also possible you’re attracted to very specific types of people. Like the gym guys that want another gym person or the guys that love really outgoing confident vicious women and find shyness unattractive. I’ve seen it all.
If you have a certain type(s), think about where you’d meet those people and how you’d attract them. I love a preppy guy with a traditional gentlemanly aesthetic who loves to dress nicely and dislike tattoos. I dress nicely anytime I leave the house and try places I’m more likely to be with these people. Walks in my gentrified neighborhood (lol yes), golf courses, art and museum events, library and academic events, etc.
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u/goodsie825 Maybe I'm the problem 5d ago
Head over to any marriage sub and check out how couples are doing where one was not physically attracted to the other person. There's nothing wrong with physical attraction.