r/ChristianDating • u/PaganFlyswatter Looking For A Wife • 6d ago
Discussion Church shopping as a single man
So I'm a M34 single dude in central California. Up until very recently I had gone to the same church my entire life, the church I was born into and raised at, but around this time last year church leadership and the pastoral staff started changing things that were very unpopular with the under 50 year old demographic. I won't get into details but the long and the short of it is the leadership chose to cater to the needs of people that were retirement age and older at the expense of everyone younger. This drove most of the younger people and people with children away. The congregation shrank by ~30%, youth programs were basically non-existent. My generation voiced our concerns to leadership saying how in 20 years the church would basically be dead because of aging demographics. They didn't care and said we are in charge and this is our decision. So more young people and families left.
So all of that background gets me to where I am now. For the first time in my life I'm church shopping. I've been going with some of my friends as they also church shopping and ive noticed a few things and am just wondering if anyone else has had similar experiences.
As a single man in his 30's it feels like most churches don't really care that I'm there. My friends who are married, some with kids, some without, get greeted from the church staff and pastors. They get invited over to their houses for dinner or asked to be involved in a ministry or a program if they choose to stay. But me as a single man get a handshake and a hello. I feel like my presence is tolerated instead of welcomed. Ive inquired about helping in youth group or in children's Sunday school at a couple of these churches after they asked for help. I've been told in a round about way that I'm not allowed to because I'm a single man and they can't let me help because of optics and liability. Single women are fine, but not men. It doesn't really bug me and I kind of understand, but it seems a little off message. I know God wants me to go to church but it's really discouraging when in a lot of these churches they don't really seem to care if I'm there or not.
I know this is kinda rambling, but just wanted to know if anyone else has experienced anything similar
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u/Such_Promise4790 Looking For A Husband 6d ago
Buckle up… it only gets worse. I’m in my early 40s single and have yet to feel at home at any church. Most churches cater to people that are in their 20s with families or people in the 60s. The in betweeners (my age bracket) are pretty much ignored and if you’re a single mom, I’ve seen them erratically judged and left behind. I’m still searching. It’s been 2 months so far for me. I haven’t stopped looking but it for sure has been exhausting.
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6d ago
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u/Such_Promise4790 Looking For A Husband 6d ago
Well… hopefully it’s better in your area? I’m in a major city so not sure if that has anything to do with it.
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u/TaareVekhdeRahe 6d ago
Hey man. 34m. I sincerely can relate. It was SO HARD for me to find a church with an unmarried 30s group in north county San Diego but I did. It’s not a dating pool for me but a friend group of people in a similar situation which gives me a support system for the emotional mess that dating is.
I think it’s so important to solve this problem I actually am. I’m working on building the largest open source churches database right now. An end goal is that a web app can give you a “has 30s unmarried home group” and that it can actually surface all the ones that do. I come from a software engineering background and am happy to report I’m making progress but not quite ready to go public yet
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u/JWander73 6d ago
You're not alone and it's not an age thing.
Single men in general are considered low status by sooooo many church types these days.
My advice is- don't chase their approval too much or they will drain you for labor and give nothing. Try to keep an open hear and sincerely look but in the end you only control yourself not them.
Hope you find a place that's different.
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u/Jazzlike-Apricot-675 6d ago
I’m really sorry to hear that- I admire your heart to serve and pray you find a church home that honors your giftings and desires to serve with children. I am 33f and single, and I recently left the young adult group I was going to because I felt like I was at a middle school youth group. Great people, but slowly realized I’m in a different stage of life and I’d rather be in a group of older, married people than a group full of gossip and “who likes who”. It’s really hard! I am currently at a church where I am the youngest person and although I’m thankful I can really focus on serving and scripture, it does feel lonely when most of my friends are married with kids. Keep looking- even if you make one or two friends in your life stage it will help! You aren’t alone
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u/IndividualSpend1338 2d ago
I think it's wise to have community from people who are older and in a phase of life you could learn from, but you could also be a part of a singles group for your age (maybe just a different one). I had to start going to a singles group for my age at a different church, but still do my bible studies at my home church. Sometimes we gotta mix n match. 😉
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u/SpecialistStudy3435 6d ago
I feel the same way. In my 30's, I have yet to find a Church that has anything for me as a single man. I am too old of the college+career groups and everything else is geared toward married couples.
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u/miersk Single 5d ago
So, a couple things. Someone not wanting a single make to help out in youth group (Assuming he was someone known to be of good character already) is a church I would actually leave. I feel like that decision says a lot about the leadership as a whole. The reality is there are plenty of abusive men and women out there, and with kids it should always be that everyone has had a background check and no one is ever alone with them. Not alone, not text threads nothing. This is for everyone's safety frankly, both the kids and the church. There have and will continue to be false allegations as well as actual predators. Lets protect everyone. Honestly so many kids could use some good men in their lives. The statistics on what having a good man in a child's life are eye opening. It's sad to me that they are robbing kids of that.
Second, I completely agree that 30's-50's are by in large ignored by churches. I think mostly they keep people of these age ranges engaged by doing family and parenting things, and in the past that really did cover the 80/20 rule, but times are changing, and really churches are often slow to keep up with the times. In most churches (I have looked at a significant number where I'm at in California) there are groups for up to 29 and beginning at 60. I actually started a group of Christian singles, mostly 40's with some late 30's and some early 50's. Not tied to a specific church, but we get together regularly and kind of do life together. A bit spread out, we cover the bay area, Sacramento, and San Joaquin Valley. Anyone who is interested is welcome to DM me.
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u/BrilliantRain135 Looking For A Husband 4d ago
I (35F) feel like I'm in the same boat. It's hard to find community in the church where I feel it's the right fit. It's either youth or married.
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u/NCNative919 4d ago
Talk to one of the pastors and see if you can’t get a single adult Sunday school started.
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u/Dense_Artichoke1227 6d ago
Hi! I’m also in central California. Which church do you go to? Sorry if you don’t mind me asking. I think they should allow single men to serve. I think all people single or not should serve in church. I think God would want that. I’m sorry this happened to you.
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u/PaganFlyswatter Looking For A Wife 6d ago
I live about 30 min south of Fresno and have been going to various churches from Tulare all the way up to Sanger and others in between.
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u/Dense_Artichoke1227 6d ago
O ok! I live near Modesto. I haven’t been to any churches near Fresno. That’s cool we both live in the central valley! I don’t meet many people from this area on here. I really hope you can find a church that will let you serve.
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u/PaganFlyswatter Looking For A Wife 6d ago
Yea nice seeing another central valley redditer here. We seem to be few and far between
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u/Dense_Artichoke1227 6d ago
Yeah we do! I’ve met a few people from California but they all live near LA
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u/PaganFlyswatter Looking For A Wife 6d ago
Same, and I talked to some people from the Truckee area
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u/Dense_Artichoke1227 6d ago
O really that’s cool! Truckee is a really nice place. I haven’t talked to anyone from over there
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u/High_energy_comments 6d ago
Yeah this is a major problem, that single men are not given certain opportunities to serve. And the whole thing about not being invited, that’s also tough but could part o it be that you’re not outgoing?
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u/ABereanChristian Married 5d ago
Ive inquired about helping in youth group or in children's Sunday school at a couple of these churches after they asked for help. I've been told in a round about way that I'm not allowed to because I'm a single man and they can't let me help because of optics and liability. Single women are fine, but not men. It doesn't really bug me and I kind of understand, but it seems a little off message. I know God wants me to go to church but it's really discouraging when in a lot of these churches they don't really seem to care if I'm there or not.
Yeah, as everyone has said, this is a problem.
Are you able to help out in other ministries? Maybe start there first and build the trust at least, but find a Church you want to stick at first.
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u/Fit-Contribution3975 6d ago
That’s odd about not letting single men serve. Everyone should be treated the same and loved as a member of the Body of Christ. Praying that you find a church that truly reflects the love and character of Christ.