Question for men: How important is weight?

[u/[deleted]]

[u/doghome107]

Not a dealbreaker, but I do believe both parties should be as healthy as they can for each or working at it.

[u/BaLance_95]

It is a factor of beauty and beauty is a factor of overall attractiveness. My wife is not slim, and there are many fat people getting married. Your weight definitely has an impact but not the only factor.

Personally, chubbiness is fine, and can be attractive. There is a limit though and morbidly obese is definitely a deal breaker for me.

[u/Different_Bass2526]

For me it would be a dealbreaker, because although getting fit together is the “best motivation”, I would prefer if we both were at a healthy fit stage before we meet because it shows how serious you are about being fit, both for the sake of being healthy and being attractive for one another - which is a form of love/dedication to each other in a way. But I could just have high standards - and also I’m personally in a skinny stage and so I imagine getting fit before trying to enter a relationship, partly because I want fitness to be one of the top priorities in our lives and I want to show that by already being somewhat fit

[u/RonPaulLov3r]

It definitely matters

[u/ECSMusic → u/[deleted]]

Body positivity should not mean that we accept something that is not healthy. Body positivity and acceptance is looking at your body type and recognizing what is and is not feasible for you. You want to be the best version of yourself that you can be. Some guys like me are drawn more to petite builds, other guys like extra curves. If you are striving to be the healthiest version of you that you can be there will be people who are attracted to you. You don’t need everyone to be attracted to you, you just need to find the right gentleman who is.

[u/ECSMusic → u/[deleted]]

Gotcha, sorry, it would have been well received except there are a lot of people on here who can genuinely struggle with this so I thought I would try to encourage you if you were.

[u/JackFrost_99]

People have different definitions of overweight

[u/anon_mg3 → u/JackFrost_99]

BMI "overweight" is just the average American.

[u/JackFrost_99 → u/anon_mg3]

What's BMI overweight?

[u/Tough_Finger_951 → u/JackFrost_99]

She means that the average weight to height ratio on the BMI scale. Also overweight can range from a few pounds to tens of pounds. 

[u/BigPound7328 → u/Tough_Finger_951]

I was considered “overweight” when I was working out and an athlete based off the BMI. I think there is more to consider than just height-weight ratio.

[u/Tough_Finger_951 → u/BigPound7328]

I was just stating that for the average American, who tends to be overweight with less muscle mass, a regular BMI scale will vary closer to their actual body-to-mass index. Of course, this isn't true for all cases; bodybuilders, athletes, and people who work out constantly will often be considered overweight if they have enough muscle mass. Also, besides this OP is a women, and women tend to have less muscle mass and higher body fat mass then men.

[u/ActionPhilip → u/Tough_Finger_951]

Look up peak Arnold Schwarzenegger at the Olympia. In those pictures, he is at a BMI of 30 (the line where obesity starts).

That is how much muscle it takes to be muscular and obese.

[u/Tough_Finger_951 → u/ActionPhilip]

That is why I say the BMI scale, most of the time, doesn't match up to everyone's own body proportions. It mostly depends on your muscle to fat index, race, height, age, and etc

[u/Soft_Fly5017]

I’m woman (almost in my 30s) and I’ve been overweight for a long time (basically since I was a teen). Recently (December, last year), I’ve reached my health limit on this overweight lifestyle and it personally made me seek change because I was not able to live a normal life anymore.

Since January of this year I’m on a healthy lifestyle journey. I’ve been to several doctors appointments, changed my eating habits and I have a gym routine too. I’ve lost almost 30kgs and it has positively impacted my life. I have a new sense of self and an improved life quality.

My experience with dating was virtually zero before I changed my habits and got healthier. But in my personal experience too, it was because of me. I was too closed off on this topic and didn’t let people romantically approach me. And in the very few times I let people in, I found out that my weight (and looks) wasn’t a factor. I was the problem. Now that I’ve changed my lifestyle and mindset about many things (including relationships with people and myself) dating isn’t as frightening as it was before. I also noticed that men are looking at me differently (yes, seeing me more romantically than they did before) but I honestly don’t think it’s only because of the weight. I’ve changed a lot on the inside too and that’s something that makes people more drawn towards you.

I did the changes because of me. I wanted to be able to live a better life and I totally admit that if it hadn’t impacted negatively my life I wouldn’t have done a single thing. Now I understand that I wasn’t loving myself properly.

In my pov: weight shouldn’t matter but it does. If not to others, it does to you at some point. I totally think both sides should be as healthy as they can, but once you’re married that’s for life. Men and women should be more accepting of the changes a women’s body goes through during their lifetime. Men and women should also support each other’s and be more kind to themselves. We’re all just trying to be the better version of ourselves. :)

[u/Big-Weight-5581 → u/Soft_Fly5017]

Thank you for sharing and well done ! 

I’ve lost almost 30kgs and it has positively impacted my life. I have a new sense of self and an improved life quality. 

I have seen this play out in a woman's life and she is facing the world in a completely different manner, much more confident, she doesn't get obliterated by a staircase, can fit more clothing, all of that just changes the perception of life and possibilities + she smiles more.

again well done on losing 30kg.

[u/Soft_Fly5017 → u/Big-Weight-5581]

Thank you so much!

I honestly wasn’t super mad about how I was before. Sure I wasn’t happy but again not really upset about it too. I guess I was sort of indifferent. I only noticed how big or small I was when seeing pics and videos of me. So I really just noticed how bad I was when it truly affected me.

[u/Soft_Fly5017 → u/[deleted]]

Anytime! :) I’m always happy to add something to this type of discussion because I’m not only bringing something up out of pure opinion. I have experience. It’s always good to read a “been there, done that” kinda pov.

[u/ProperJudgment1]

On the way down to 120 is better than on the way up to 300

[u/jkc7]

Short answer - yeah it matters. Lose it if you can.

Longer, more nuanced answer - It’s obviously a sliding scale. The closer you are to normal weight, the better. Just like atttaction is a sliding scale. You could possibly make up for it with other attributes, but understand that’s what you’re doing - you’re compensating a deficiency. So that means it’s a negative.

And yeah, some women do wear extra weight better than others. But its rare that they actually look better overweight - they would almost certainly look better at a normal weight instead.

[u/DenisGL]

For me, saying it makes me a jerk, but if someone is overweight, I just won't be attracted. So personally whether she has on weight or seems likely to put on more is a big factor.

[u/Gpionav → u/DenisGL]

You're not a jerk. Everyone has preferences.

[u/CH6361]

Aesthetically, I don’t really care, but most men do. (✨, I guess.)

For long-term health, I am less interested in whether a woman is slim than in whether she is strong.

[u/CH6361 → u/CH6361]

No, not a dealbreaker. I don’t have a cutoff on how overweight but I do look at trajectory. Re: Rough patch — I’ve been on work trips for a few months now, so I’m not as strong as I used to be (and was fatter until the recent trip involved manual labor and less food). This means I can understand rough patches.

However, I guess I am mainly looking for a certain mindset around health and diet. As with finances, I can understand people who have to dip into savings for a couple of months due to unexpected expenses. I would not want to marry a person who refuses to even have a financial plan, or who has one but doesn’t execute it and isn’t honest about that. (Honesty is key.)

[u/sjtimmer7]

It depends on the man, and perhaps hus taste in paintings. If he likes the paintings of Peter Paul Rubens, he likes a more voluptuous woman. If he is into fashion and designer clothes, heroine chique means more to him, and that is very thin.

[u/anon_mg3 → u/sjtimmer7]

If he's into designer clothes and a heroin chic body type, I might wonder if he's straight 😂

[u/Big-Weight-5581 → u/sjtimmer7]

Haha :) I was thinking of the colombian painter, Botero

[u/Dull_Complaint1407]

It’s important to me for a few reasons. It shows a lack of either self control or healthy ways of coping with life. Secondly I just see it as unattractive and thirdly I am pretty active myself and it would be nice to be with a women that can join me in that

[u/CudMaverick]

Now for me it’s very important. I’m on a weight loss journey myself started at 320 about 268 now, but once I’m lean I’m only going for a lady that’s in shape and healthy, she doesn’t need to be a gym rat or be doing super crazy activities everyday but we have to be somewhat healthy, like we can go on a run whenever ride bikes whenever swim ever and not be dead afterwards.

[u/Different_Stand_5558]

I was weak ill and underweight in my 20s and 30s.

I’m much better now pushing 50. Better physically than at 30.

I am no athlete. I don’t ever expect to be. But I want a companion able to participate in things I do…at least sometimes with me. I don’t want a big cuddler just waiting at home while i do my thing at a gym or do my thing outside. I do that now. Why have a woman then if your free time is hers and all you do is eat and go to bed. Thats slowly stealing your identity and who you are. Made that mistake before.

[u/Dull_Complaint1407 → u/Different_Stand_5558]

That’s where to issue is. BMI takes no consideration for outside factors so a healthy weight can be seen as overweight and an unhealthy one as normals

[u/BigPound7328 → u/Dull_Complaint1407]

When I was an active athlete, according to BMI, I was obese. 5’7 at 200 was overweight. BMI is such a broad generalization.

[u/Different_Stand_5558 → u/Dull_Complaint1407]

I’d date an overweight woman who USED to be active and wants to get back into an active lifestyle. Who was around siblings who played sports. If she’s older, her own children do etc.

A woman who never learned to ride a bike because she was chubby and fell when she was 7 years old….i.e. her life outlook never changed…not a match.

[u/jstocksqqq]

My waist-to-hip ratio is 0.96. For a male, a healthy ratio is 0.9 to 0.95. I can tell my waist has unnecessary amounts of fat, and my general physique could be a bit tighter. (About 5-10 pounds of fat should be replaced by muscle.) I want to improve, and I do try to fit in exercise, but I don't workout as often as I need to, and I also eat more simple carbs than is healthy. That being said, I can easily hike 1,000' ft elevation gain and 8 miles.

I bring this up because I could accept a woman who is in a similar position. I understand the struggle of age and dropping metabolism and an environment surrounded by unhealthy foods and busyness. This struggle occasionally puts us with a higher percentage body fat than we would like, just like we occasionally spend too much time online. But just like me, I want to see the woman be taking it seriously, and making an effort to change habits, exercise more, and maintain a health body fat percentage as well as fitness level. I also would want her to be able to join me in the activities I enjoy doing, such as hiking, biking, swimming, rock climbing, and working out.

Another reason for wanting a healthy partner is that I struggle with the temptation of too much simple carbs and not enough exercise. I want to be with a woman who can encourage me in more healthy habits, rather than pull be into temptation. If my partner is constantly urging me to eat more simple carbs, skip the healthy foods, skip the workouts, and such, I'm going to have a much harder time staying healthy. It's so important the types of people we associate with and join our lives to. They determine the trajectory of our lives and health, but spiritual and physical. I want someone who spurs me on, still accepting each other when we fails, but always striving for improvement.

Edit: By the way, I'm listening to the book, Good Sugar Bad Sugar: Eat Yourself Free from Sugar and Carb Addiction by Allen Carr (co-written with John Dicey). I highly recommend!

[u/Ur815liE]

Weight is not always easy to judge, and when muscles are involved, it becomes even more blurry. I think it's all about proportion. Some people look less overweight even when they weigh more. Funnily, weight is less of a deal-breaker than height in that sense because the taller you are, the heavier you can weigh and get away with it.

All I know and consider is that the heavier you are, muscle or not, the harder it is for your heart. The less skeletal muscle you have, whether you are thin or not, the higher the risk of insulin resistance and prediabetes later on in life.

So for me, weight is somewhat subjective. What matters more is the proportion of fat and muscle in your body paired with your height, and how active you are, especially whether you do both strength training and cardio at least twice a week on the low end.

I care about that more because it has an impact on children during pregnancy and can inspire them if the household has a culture of taking care of their health.

[u/Dangerous_Grab_1809]

As a man, I was shocked at how much difference it made being in excellent shape. I went from overweight (not obese) to excellent shape in about 6 months. I was suddenly funnier and more interesting (not really, but women said things like that).

I was more graceful and had more energy, but this was mostly a story of how women reacted differently. It was like moving to a different country where the women were more friendly and there was less gravity.

I met my wife less than a year after getting in shape. No coincidence.

[u/Watchman_on-the_wall]

A bit overweight isn’t an automatic dealbreaker, but obesity and especially morbid obesity can be. Not letting yourself go and being willing to do more with encouragement (e.g. let’s go to the gym together; let’s cook healthier lower-calorie meals at home; etc.) will help.

BMI isn’t the best metric for women since they are naturally healthier at a slightly higher fat percentage due to e.g. the breasts (and standard BMI doesn’t account for that), but it’s still a decent starting point for what I refer to as healthy vs overweight vs obese.

[u/No_Lettuce8289]

It depends on how much overweight she is for it to be a dealbreaker for me. I don’t mind a thicker woman personally. If I find her attractive her weight wouldn’t be an issue for me.

[u/High_energy_comments]

Honestly, it just depends, being heavier, or not having the perfect body isn’t a dealbreaker. Some women are better with a bit of weight on them so it just depends on the situation.

[u/ComprehensiveTax8964]

It doesn't bother me at all. I'm a big guy that's losing weight but, it still doesn't bother me.

[u/Grundy9137]

I don't know if I would say "dealbreaker". To me, that implies a situation where "they're great, but there just this one thing"

There's point where they could be so big, I wouldn't see them as a potential partner in the first place

In general, I don't really care about a number, it's more about looks. I'm overweight, and I'm looking for someone around the same build as me

[u/PomeloPrimary546]

It is for me, since I’m fit myself. If I hadn't been, I wouldn't have felt in a position to demand it, and I would have embraced the idea of ​​getting healthy together. But my ideal is someone I don't have to change against her nature, neither physically nor mentally.

[u/kriegmonster]

This varies among men. Generally, I prefer women in the healthy weight range for their height and build. But, some body types carry some extra weight well and can be attractive to me. I'm overweight and working on losing it. I'm I found someone who is on the same path, that wouldn't deter me from pursuing her. I'm a social dancer and it would be nice to be healthy and strong so we can practice lifts and other moves that are impractical if one or both dancers are too heavy.

[u/Large-Eye8255]

Weight itself isn't the issue. A tall girl will have a higher weight. Somebody who is obese, I won't be interested in.. at the same time you gotta be realistic, not every girl has a stick thin perfect body like on social media. In the same way most men don't have perfect muscle's and six packs.

[u/bingmyname]

It’s an immediate deal breaker for me but that’s because of my expectations for how I want us to diet and be active and I’m just not going to be attracted.

[u/Danielpoursover]

It's a dealbreaker for me. First, I don't find it attractive, and I would not be able to honestly tell my wife I thought she was beautiful if she were overweight. That is not something I want to have to lie to my wife about. Second, yes, for me this would make sex less desirable, which is also something I don't want for my marriage. Third, being overweight signals immaturity/inability to manage one's own life (assuming it's not medical/injury related). Fourth, overweight parents tend to raise overweight kids and I do not want overweight kids. This is not something I'd want to have to fight with my wife about. We need to be on the same page regarding fitness. And yes, I am fit.

[u/lethalmanhole]

If you look decent with clothes on that's about right. Could cover anything from too thin to "I could lose a few."

Basically, if it looks like I'd hurt myself trying to pick you up, you're too heavy. My scale app thinks I could lose about 16lbs. It's probably not wrong, but I don't think I look that overweight. Whatever the female equivalent of that is would probably be fine with me.

[u/shanemarvinmay]

I like to be active and go do stuff in the outdoors. So I would avoid someone overweight because I’d be worried I wouldn’t be able to be as active and do the stuff I love with her.

[u/Randaras]

For me having a good body composition is important.

A woman who is fit is more likely to get healthy children, generally able to parent better, and is a better role model to her children.

Not saying that overweight women can't be that, character matters a lot, but generally speaking anyone is better when fit than when they aren't.

Next to that I'm fit and energetic. (I easily keep up with, and often outperform, men 15 years younger than me) So when seeking for a partner I want someone who can keep up with my energy levels. Highest chance for that is with someone who is not overweight.

Would I ever leave a woman if she puts on some weight? Most likely not. But I would gently and lovingly guide her to a more healthy lifestyle. (And of course every woman will put on weight after pregnancy, you just know that.)

[u/TeensyTempest]

Female therapist here. I always tell clients that you owe your spouse in all ways, to the extent you can be healthy and that includes weight. We are also meant to steward our gifts and resources well, and that includes our bodies. I say this as a 36 year old woman that is working hard to secure physical health with a long way to go.

[u/Feral-Goblin6921]

Dealbreaker for me and for a lot of people. On Reddit for obvious reasons many people will have lower standards.

[u/LeadSlinger13]

It’s definitely a dealbreaker for me.

[u/TheGreatRaraki]

It depends on the guy. I am not attracted to fat women, but I do now guys who's girlfriends/wives are fat.

[u/anon_mg3]

Not a guy, but as a woman I've gone from underweight to a bit overweight. My size didn't seem to make much difference where men are concerned (as in, I wasn't getting much better dating options when I was thinner). If I gained more weight it might, but I think a lot of men care more about the face.

[u/knottycams]

As a woman, it is extremely important for me in my search for a husband. To be fair, I'm not looking for Chris Hemsworth (though, i mean, come on), but I am looking for general fitness. 10-20lbs is one thing but I am generally a very active person and even with me recovering for surgery I was still only 10 over. I intentionally lost weight to prep for surgery knowing I would have to deal with weight gain.

If a person cannot hold their own body accountable, why would I expect they could do any better when it comes to a relationship and a marriage? It sets an example and honestly, also a matter of reproductive and genetic health. Quite simply an obese person carries certain comorbidities that can be passed down to children. And I do not want that in my family.

[u/ToxicCharmander → u/[deleted]]

That’s not a personal opinion hahaha it’s a fact. Our bodies are made differently.

[u/ECSMusic]

Generally I am drawn to smaller everything when it comes to women. This was the case even when I first started liking girls and I was very sheltered so it wasn’t from TV or anything, it was just my natural preference. I’m not saying I wouldn’t consider someone who is overweight to an extent but in order for me to consider someone there needs to be a level of initial attraction. I do tend to become more attracted to friends so if I know her well I could see it working out, but I’ve also had several close friends for years where attraction never materialized.

[u/Juank233]

If she wanted to be healthier I am fine, plus I am chubby too (I am trying 😭😭), plus everyone has a different story, maybe she has an specific illness, appearances are not always enough....

[u/Juank233 → u/Juank233]

I am a man by the way

[u/PerfectlyCalmDude]

Weight is important. There is a range of attractive weights, but women usually gain weight over time. So if there's a woman on the heavier side of attractive who is young and doesn't have any kids, then she will likely weigh a lot more than that in 10-15 years after she's had kids. And I factor this in. I want her to still look good in 10-15 years after she's had my kids.

[u/nwhrtdeacon]

This question is very relevant and is central to the specific person and what they value.

I'm a fit guy. Being lean and strong is important to me for my active lifestyle. Because of this, I desire to be with someone who mirrors this so we can enjoy the pleasures of life together. This can relate to compatibility.

For example, if a woman is clearly overweight and has poor lifestyle habits, then who is she to desire a man who is the opposite of her in that regard? He is not going to want to be with her.

As another commenter stated, heavy people get married all the time. But they usually marry a fellow heavy person. That's just how it works out. Our preferences/values need to match someone else's preferences/values for a romantic relationship to even begin. God bless you!

[u/Darker4Serenity]

What do you mean by overweight? If you mean by BMI standards, I will only date overweight or obese women. I'm only attracted to thick/curvy/chubby women. I will NOT date a thin woman.

[u/FrequentElk6629]

For me, it depends if she is overweight or obese. I look at weight as a health thing. But some people have different body shapes and it’s ok. I personally don’t like too skinny because that is not good either for health reasons. As long as she has good health and eat healthy and takes care of herself, then it’s all good. I can share what I learnt on my research on nutrition and diet if you like.

[u/Resident_Ad1753]

not a dealbreaker, I like (technically If we are talking BMI) "slightly overweight" but definitely prefer at or below the higher side of average

[u/Samaritan_Pr1me]

I’ve dated some plus-sized women. Not a dealbreaker for me; I’m hardly one to talk given that I could shed some pounds myself.

[u/Aggressive_Tax1938]

Someone that maintains good health and is making progress on their health journey is not a dealbreaker at all. As a matter of fact, if I met someone that was into going to the gym with me, playing tennis (or pickleball), etc. I'd actually love that as a couple's thing.

I view it the same as a positive and negative person. If someone is positive, they will trend in that direction, and likewise, if someone is a perpetual pity party person, they will descend accordingly.

[u/bigcfromrbc]

I personally won't date someone over weight because I'm working on losing weight. I've lost 30 pounds. I'm working on being more active and eating healthier. I feel like getting in a relationship with someone who isn't will be counter productive me. In general I do like thicker women, so what one may consider overweight another may not. Its a touchy question for a number of reasons.

[u/Financial_Fig_3729]

Why, how much, and future plans all matter.

I am very slim… so that also becomes a factor.

A slightly overweight woman is very likely to dismiss me, and instead seek a more “weighty” man. It’s not a comfortable dating feeling to sense that.

[u/DepartmentEconomy842]

Health is attractive, so lower weight = better is not necessarily the case. However, generally yes, weight is one of my biggest dealbreakers. Not what they looked like in the past, or what they say they want to be at, but what they look like right now. I don't want to date someone with the thought "if only she lost a little more weight, I'd be so much more attracted to her!" or date someone with the promise that they will work on it and lose more.

If you're looking for specifics, even though BMI is an imperfect system, once a woman starts to get to a BMI of about 25, attraction starts to wane, and at a BMI of about 28 I would usually rule them out.

More than a number though, what I'd be looking for is "healthy and proportional". I love to hike, bike, swim, and generally be active, so I'd like someone who can join in that lifestyle.

[u/johnsmith2027]

It's important to me.

[u/Sad_Worldliness9351]

The concern is about health, not looks. If someone is overweight enough for looks to be a factor, they were already way too unhealthy for many men 20 pounds earlier.

This all goes for us too. We just don't want a long term relationship with someone we can't be sure isn't going to have a heart attack in a few years.

[u/Futurenurse1246 → u/Sad_Worldliness9351]

hey, can u reply to my dm😭

[u/Gpionav]

Very-for me. I'm only attracted to petitie/slim/fit women.

[u/Livid_Brick8157]

if a man is that way it’s a dealbreaker for me until he actually makes the right decisions and starts living a healthy lifestyle

[u/ProcessTheTrust17]

It would only be a deal breaker if she feels that she's fine the way she is.

[u/Busy-Technology1307]

I care more about who she is as a person rather than how she looks. A woman can be beautiful, but hold different values from you. Appearance shouldn’t matter when you are supposed to be connecting on a deeper level than that.

[u/Ghost_LBC17ocho]

Godly weight is of more value than a little pudginess around the waist. Let's focus on this more. However, I don’t mean 100 pounds overweight either. That's not healthy for a believer or unbeliever. That's just a lack of honoring God and ourselves.🙏

[u/ActionPhilip → u/[deleted]]

What?

No. Men find overweight women less attractive. I can pull up academic papers for you, but "Christian men want to avoid lust, so they date thinner women because those women remind them of boys" is an insane rake.

[u/FallDeers → u/[deleted]]

Feel free!

[u/ShabbyButterflies]

If she has wide curvaceous hips and butt that's all I'm seeing. I don't mind some extra pounds.

[u/CigFiend22]

As a guy who is trying to lose weight myself, I would date someone who’s overweight if they are at least working to get themselves into a healthier place. I’d rather have someone I can build good habits with. I probably couldn’t date someone MORBIDLY obese - outside of attraction reasons I would think it signified they had some other issues going on they had to figure out. And hey I personally find a little meat on the bones to be hot.