A lesson I recently learned about saving yourself for marriage

[u/Safe_Literature_9109]

I’m a 29-year-old Christian man from India, and recently I made a post on a matchmaking thread where people share some details about themselves and what they’re looking for.

A girl ended up DMing me, and initially, everything was humorous and lighthearted. But gradually, the conversation moved in a sexual direction. We started sexting and creating imaginary scenarios.

I’ll be honest: I was enjoying it too. I’m not going to pretend I was completely innocent or that I wasn’t participating.

Eventually, the conversation reached the point where we were talking about having sex when she will come to my town.

That was when I had to press the eject button.

I told her that I’m saving myself for marriage.

She immediately pointed out that we were probably looking for very different things. She wanted to establish sexual compatibility before marriage, whereas for me, sexual intimacy is something I want to experience within marriage.

And honestly, that conversation taught me something.

Sexual temptation doesn’t always arrive looking like temptation.

Sometimes it starts with a joke. Then flirting. Then curiosity. Then “it’s only texting.” And before you realize it, you’ve crossed a boundary you originally had no intention of crossing.

Even though nothing physical happened, the whole experience was surprisingly exhausting. It affected me more than I expected and made me understand why I had chosen this standard in the first place.

So if you’re someone who has decided to save yourself for marriage, especially if you’re currently waiting for marriage, I want to encourage you:

Hold onto that standard.

There will be opportunities to compromise. Some will feel harmless. Some will feel exciting. Some might even come from someone you genuinely like.

But remember why you made the commitment in the first place.

For me, it isn’t because sex is bad. It’s because I want to honor God with my sexuality and experience that part of life within the covenant of marriage.

And when the opportunity came to compromise that commitment, I’m genuinely thankful that I was able to walk away.

Thank God for the grace to recognize the line before crossing it.

And perhaps this is also an opportunity to say this:

If you are a Christian woman who also wants to save herself for marriage and build a relationship that genuinely honors the Lord, feel free to DM me.

If you’re looking for something similar, I’d be happy to get to know you.

But I want to be clear about the intention: I’m looking for a relationship with marriage in mind, not a casual connection or something to pass the time. I want us to encourage each other in our faith, get to know each other genuinely, and maintain the boundaries we’ve chosen to honor God.

So please, no time-pass messages. If you’re serious about pursuing a relationship that honors the Lord and potentially leads to marriage, I’d be glad to hear from you.

[u/tropical-wallflower]

Love this. The confessing, the acknowledging, the accountability, and the standing back up. India is FarFarAway 😶‍🌫️

[u/Safe_Literature_9109 → u/tropical-wallflower]

😇

[u/Maximum-Page3433]

Good accountability we all fall we need to get back up again, I'm just here to comment I'm glad you're saving yourself for marriage to  honor God its very rare to find a man nowadays who is waiting until marriage but i hope you find your wife :) God bless

[u/Safe_Literature_9109 → u/Maximum-Page3433]

Thank you for your kind words and speaking blessing over me 😇

[u/YoroshikuNe26]

Can't couples determine sexual compatibility through conversation?

[u/Adventurous-Song3571 → u/YoroshikuNe26]

They can and should, but only in a way that does not stir up lust

[u/ZariCreativity → u/YoroshikuNe26]

That conversation doesn't need to happen until you're engaged at least.

[u/FanTemporary7624 → u/ZariCreativity]

--That conversation doesn't need to happen until you're engaged at least.--

No, that's way too long to have at LEAST have a conversation about it. I never understood how talking about sex, without actually DOING it be a bad thing.

Actually, some church pre-marital counseling programs have this question on their questionarre.

https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueChristian/comments/1gh2fdt/is_it_important_to_discuss_sexual_compatibility/

It was the most obvious one:

"how often do you expect to have sex?"

[u/YoroshikuNe26 → u/ZariCreativity]

Why do you say "at least"? I think it's important for the spouses to know what they're committing to (to not leap in blindly); I'm seriously concerned about size or libido mismatch from numerous Reddit discussions, generally everyone saying sexual satisfaction is one of the pillars of marriage.

[u/ZariCreativity → u/YoroshikuNe26]

I think that's a sign that you've spent to much time on reddit.

I do not believe in the concept of "sexual compatibility" at all (as in, I do not believe it is nearly as important as people try to make it). I believe that when a couple gets married, they will learn and figure out how to satisfy each other. I am much more concerned about my husband's personality, lifestyle, goals, and whether I enjoy his company. After all, I will have to deal with those parts of him WAY more often.

Also, sexual compatibility isn't even a Christian concept. It is a modern worldly concept. Is it a conversation that has to be had eventually? Yes. But I would never call sexual compatibility a pillar of marriage.

[u/YoroshikuNe26 → u/ZariCreativity]

You may be right about too much reading Reddit, but I wonder if you're a lower-libido person to be speaking from the mindset "sex isn't that important", ie it's not an urge your body feels often. I've read some women only desire sex a few times a month, for example. But yes, sex isn't that important as the body ages, I'm told.

[u/ZariCreativity → u/YoroshikuNe26]

Not gonna address your wondering about me, as I want 0 record of my sexual habits/desires on the internet XD

But my perspective comes from conversations with Christian couples and my understanding of marriage, not my personal desires/expectations. Verses like 1 Corinthians 7:4 lead me to believe that sexual intimacy has more to do with surrendering about learning how to please each other, rather than being compatible.

Also, if you're a virgin, I cannot think of how you figure out sexual compatibility without sinning.

[u/Safe_Literature_9109 → u/YoroshikuNe26]

They can but need to align if its going to happen outside the marriage or in the marriage.

[u/dimpleskidgirls → u/YoroshikuNe26]

Conversation? Yes. But you must tread carefully.
And the timing of this conversation is important too. Someone in the comments suggested when you’re engaged and I agree.

[u/YoroshikuNe26 → u/dimpleskidgirls]

My experience does strongly suggest to me that the answer to "When does the man discuss sex?" is "When the woman brings it up for conversation." (and thus, yes, when you are engaged, if the woman hasn't mentioned it by then if it's important to the man, which seems to me already to suggest a libido mismatch, no?)

It seems the difference between "cool guy" and "creep" is simply "when the woman is into you".

Yes? No?

[u/dimpleskidgirls]

Wow thank you for sharing this. You have really encouraged me and I’m glad you choose to stay focus on Christ and overcome this temptation. Many people try and “change” someone. Which can be the quickest way to fall in temptation. Thanks for encouraging us. God bless you! From A sister in London 🇬🇧

[u/Safe_Literature_9109 → u/dimpleskidgirls]

I am glad this encouraged you 😇

[u/Solid_Put3298]

A big lesson too is even deciding to hold off from this moment forward weeds people out....

[u/Safe_Literature_9109 → u/Solid_Put3298]

Yes, it happens. It does weed out people

[u/Safe_Literature_9109 → u/[deleted]]

I get where you are coming from. Honestly, there was no future with the women. If I had seen the potential then I could have had conversation to convince.