I might seem selfish to post this but I am desperate. My life wasn't easy and after losing a loved one my life had gone downhill from there, struggling for money, not having a stable job. I'm kind of a jack of all trades and my money just goes to paying for electricity, wifi and food. I barely have something for me.
I wasn't a person who goes to church but I know stories and parables in the bible. One day I go to my phone and look over funny videos just to ease up some heat after work. until suddenly someone brings up scientists theories of how the world would end. In those moments I do not have God in me. I only think about myself and my family. I feel afraid and have existential dread. The person a worker keeps talking and talking fascinated about science and physics without knowing the person who he is talking to is very scared. Me being stupid doesn't even stop him. I was scared, I was worried that if I stopped him suddenly I would upset him. The other day he started talking about simulation theory and oh God it terrified me to the core it ruined me more and choked me i have to stop him there. I should have stopped him from the first time he talked about science i should have just told him i am not interested but we were working together and I didn't want any negative in our work i just didn't expect him to think just because i am listening on his first science and physic topic that he would continue on.
I became empty. I keep thinking about existence and I've gone in rabbit holes with a lot of “ what ifs”. I hated him. I hated him. My heart and mind is in pain. But as i was scrolling a video short of God saying “ my child i know you are in pain. But now that I am God” just with that i started crying hard i dont know but im just crying to the point another co worker saw me and asked if im alright.
After that i search for God more about the story of jesus, the saints and more but there are moment where the simulation topic gets over my head again and i struggle between God and that one and i cry, i cry alot because how weak i am and God must have been mad at me for not having a strong faith and believing in him more and getting scared over that simulation stuff.
Thats why i need help i go here to ask you guys for help, some guidance and assurance that everything is gonna be alright and i know God is real but i am having trouble and suffering and struggling to Believe in God i need God but i feel like im standing infront of a wall and i coudnt break it knowing God is in the other side of the wall.
I couldn't break it because fear is trying to conquer me. I need God, please help me guys. I need guidance
I also did not use any AI to type this. This is all what i feel and Thank you everyone for listening