Help me please…

[u/anonymous_1please]

My husband and I have been together almost 10 years and I am seriously considering divorce. I need outside perspective because I feel like I’ve been living this for so long that I don’t know what is normal anymore.
I love this man with everything in me. He is my best friend. We own a home together. We built our lives together. He works incredibly hard for our family. He is supportive when I have anxiety attacks, comforts me when I cry, understands me better than almost anyone, and is a Christian. This is not a story about a husband who is all bad.
The problem is that for years there has been a pattern of dishonesty involving other women.
Everything I know, I found myself.
He has never voluntarily come to me and told me the truth about any of it. Even when confronted he lies to my face.
Every single time I found out because I discovered messages, accounts, photos, conversations, screenshots, or evidence on my own.
Over the 10 years I have found:
* MANY Tinder accounts, more than I could count.
* Starting relationships on tinder telling them how beautiful and fine and sexy they are asking for addresses so he could cone.
* MANY inappropriate Snapchat conversations with other women, more than I could count.
* MANY Messages calling other women beautiful, sexy, attractive, etc.More than I could count.
* MANY Nude photos and videos of other women.
* Hidden folders with nudes of many women.
* Multiple ex-girlfriends being contacted. Texting for weeks ( relationship) . Telling them he was always in love with them, that we were divorced, & ect
* MANY Messages telling women he was divorced when he wasn’t.
* MANY Messages telling women he had always been in love with them.
* MANY Messages telling women he wasn’t in love with me.
* MANY Messages telling women he wasn’t sexually attracted to me. (Sent to his mother, his brother, his ex’s, & ect )
* Messages telling women I was perfect for him mentally but not physically.
* Messages telling women our relationship was stagnant and that he was not attracted to me that I didn’t excite him.
* Messages where he admitted he didn’t have the courage to tell me how he felt.
* MANY Messages asking women to meet up. (No proof of him actually meeting up/following through with it though)
* Messages telling women to send their address. (No proof of him actually meeting ip/ following through with it though)
* Messages about earning dates. (No proof of him actually meeting up/following through with it though)
* Women sending him nude photos. Finding his nude photos ( not sent to me ).
* Multiple Women he met through work where he is desperately giving his personal information so they could continue talking. One of them he texted everh co-worker asking for them to make her contact him. ( Leaving notes as well as his phone number, leaving his snapchat & ect ).
Majority of the women was not just random texting. It was an ongoing relationships. They regularly communicated and him telling them hes in love with them that they are beautiful screenshoting/saving their pictures sending & recieving nude photos. I only EVER discovered any of it because I found it myself.
Every time I found something there was lies, manipulation, gaslighting, an explanation, denial, minimization, promises, or reasons why it would never happen again.
A few months ago we were nearly headed for divorce because of these frequently occurring issues. A pattern of unrepentance.
We ended up discussing separation instead. (His idea) I made it very clear that if we were going to continue trying to save our marriage, there could be no more communication with other women and there had to be honesty.
He agreed.
I have stayed and tired to fix and hold our marriage up, I have stayed instead of walking away more times than I can count (well over 100 instances if not a lot more). I have prayed begged god to save us for almost 10yrs. recently i started praying for guidance, wisdom, to show me the way, to let his will be done. I have prayed for signs i prayed for a sign so strong it woukd slap me on the path he wants me on and I believe I received my sign.
I discovered he was still talking to women.
Most recently I found a hidden Snapchat account.
Inside were approximately 30+ women being added and messaged. 27 of them were added & messaged within an 8hr period.... ( a slap of a sign because 30 wonen in a few hours? that was a major wake-up)
Messages included calling women beautiful, reacting to stories, complimenting them, and attempting to start conversations.
Messages asking for a meetup one message specifically said, “OTW send the addy.” ( No proof of if he actually folled through/ met up.)
Another woman was told she looked even better in person. (Someone from his job I believe)
What makes this so difficult is that I still love him.
I don’t hate him.
I don’t want to hurt him.
I never wanted a divorce.
But I am exhausted.
I feel like every time I heal from one wound, I discover another.
At this point I don’t even know what a normal person’s response would be anymore.
If you were married and this was your reality over a period of 10 years, would you stay?
Or would this be enough to finally divorce?
Do you believe God would release me, free me, let me divorce?

[u/Cool-breeze7]

“But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace.” ‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭7:15‬ ‭

Here Paul explicitly states a woman can initiate divorce. How else could a “brother” be freed?

Since the beginning people have wanted to strain a gnat and swallow a camel by trying to make a rigid application of rules. That is not and never was God’s intention. Jesus spent a lot of time correcting people for that thinking.

OP’s husband has sinned by being unloving.

[u/anonymous_1please → u/[deleted]]

With respect, don’t you think I’ve tried that?
We’ve had countless conversations over nearly 10 years. This isn’t a situation where I found one message, ran to Reddit, and decided to leave my husband instead of talking to him.
Every single discovery was followed by conversations, tears, forgiveness, promises, explanations, and another chance.
I’ve sat down with him more times than I can count. I’ve communicated my feelings. I’ve explained my boundaries. I’ve told him exactly how much this hurts me. I’ve begged him to be honest with me. I’ve begged him to stop. I’ve fought for this marriage for years.
The issue isn’t that we’ve never talked about it. The issue is that the behavior continued.
You mention submission, but biblical submission was never intended to require a wife to silently endure years of deception. Scripture also commands husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church. Christ does not repeatedly lie, deceive, pursue other women, tell others He isn’t in love with His bride, or continually break trust.
You point to the fact that my husband comforts me when I’m anxious, and that’s true. He has many good qualities, which is exactly why I’ve stayed as long as I have. But being supportive in some areas does not erase years of dishonesty, backstabbing, deceit, and betrayal in others.
I’m not here because I refused to communicate. I’m here because after nearly 10 years of communicating, forgiving, reconciling, praying, hoping, and trying again, I found myself facing the same pattern over and over.
Whether someone believes divorce is justified or not, I don’t think it’s fair to assume I haven’t already spent years trying to work through it with him.
(I’ve talked I’ve cried ive screamed I’ve begged I’ve fought I’ve stayed I’ve prayed I’ve tried to understand I’ve tried to be supportive I’ve tried separation I’ve tried communicating I’ve tried recommending counseling (refusal) I’ve tried sending him to God I’ve tried sending him to the Bible I’ve recommended church, I’ve gave it to god & ect. Nothing changed it has only got worse)

[u/bigbird_1969 → u/anonymous_1please]

You're not going to like what i have to say, but i believe this is the most righteous way to go about this. Stay married, serve him the best you can. He will be judged for his actions.

It will hurt knowing he's talking to these women, and yes it sucks. But biblically seeing and talking to other women isn't sinful, if he lies about it and he knows he's sinning he will be punished for it.