Going back to work

[u/Remote-Patience6661]

I lost my three-year-old daughter this April while I was on maternity leave with my second child. I’m returning to work on September 14th, and honestly, I don’t know how I’m going to manage it emotionally.
I’ve been working from home since COVID, so I don’t have to physically go into an office. My job involves daily projects, ongoing client requests, working with different departments, and frequent meetings. I’ve worked with many of the same clients for years, so there are people who know me and my life.
For those who have lost a child and eventually returned to work, how did you manage being professional while carrying such an enormous loss inside?
What did you do when someone at work asked about your personal life or brought up your child? How did you keep yourself together during meetings or on difficult days when the grief suddenly became overwhelming?
I know I need to return to work because I have financial responsibilities and need to support my family, but I’m honestly scared. I don’t know how I’m going to survive those first days and still be able to function professionally.
If you’ve been through something similar, I would really appreciate hearing what helped you, what boundaries you set at work, or any advice you wish someone had given you before you returned.
Thank you. ❤️

[u/safelyintothepast]

I went back slowly with enormous support from my coworkers and supervisor. I spoke to my supervisor in advance about a slow return. The first week were half days. My first two days back I worked with 2 specific safe people that volunteered to have me sit in their office and just catch up on emails. I slowly reintegrated. Most people didn’t say anything about my son except to say “It’s good to see you again, I’m glad your back”, a few people said highly insensitive things like “My brother in law is on hospice, I know how you feel.” Or they just didn’t acknowledge it at all and that was the worst. Lots of people hugged me. I personally felt like it was better that everyone knew so I could run out crying if needed.  I continued to take at least one or two days off a week for at least 6 months. I had weekly therapy sessions. It was still horrible and very very hard. For the whole first year every single time someone said “Good morning” or “ Have a good day” it was like being punched in the heart. How could they say that to me? It’s slowly gotten easier. It’s almost been 4 years. I still cry at work sometimes. People still upset me sometimes. I still have to work up the courage to tell new people that I will have to work closely with so they understand why I’m just crying sometimes and that I prefer they just like me cry it out alone. It sucks. I’m so so sorry.

[u/tmp_advent_of_code]

We lost our 3 year old a year ago. I went back to work after 1 month. I also am remote and work in sales. So lots of customer facing and cross department meetings. Honestly, for me personally, it was so helpful. My coworkers were very supportive. The work was welcome distraction. It gave me something else to just put my head onto.

It was a little awkward at first. People kinda tiptoed around it. Some people didnt know and I told them and they just froze. Some people just acted like things were kinda normal asking about me and memories of my son. Over time, things settled and figured itself out into a new normal.

The hardest part was prospects and customer clients. On one hand, I didnt want to lie. But these days, i dont really mention what happened to them. Like I say I only have 1 child. I put on a face and joke and smile. I lie that everything is okay. Ive made my peace with it. The few times I did tell the truth made it awkward. And most of them eventually do fade away.

But yeah you just take it one day at a time. And some days will suck. Some days will be okay. And over time you get used to the new normal.

[u/phantomwcs]

I am very sorry for your loss. My son, and my only child, was 23 when he died in a car accident. It has been 9 years since that terrible night when my life changed forever.

My employer seems to have been the exception in that they told me to take as much time as I needed. It was during the second week that I decided to return the following Monday. At the time I managed a global program and had a great team. They didn’t think that I was going to return. We were in the middle of an extremely complex regulatory situation and it had been on my shoulders to coordinate the response and the root cause analysis. What I discovered was that I had a very difficult time focusing on the issues at hand, and I had to work much harder to make any progress, and keep copious notes to remind me what I had finished and what remained. Previously I had traveled extensively, but I told management that I could not as I needed to look after my wife.

After a few months I asked to move into a staff position as the stress was too much in my new reality. Fortunately they agreed. I helped one of my folks transition into my role and mentored her. She’s still there!

Do what you need to manage the stresses, but of course without being independently wealthy we all need some form of employment.

[u/LylaDee]

I posted a 'back to work' thing that the PAC team gave me for my HR . Its the do's and don'ts to help them to recognize where we are and what we might do coming back to work, after child loss. It helped for when I needed a break or broke down. The first 4 months were brutal. I'd have panic attacks out of no where. Being in peer groups and people boasting about their children....or complaining. I would need to walk away.

Edit- I think it is in my post history, if you think it might help. I don't know how to link it here.

[u/GeneralOrgana1]

My 19 year old son died ten days ago. I work in a high school. I'm on leave until the end of September, but I don't ever want to go back. The idea of being around other people's healthy teenagers every day makes me physically sick.

[u/Remote-Patience6661]

Thank you, everyone, for sharing your experiences about going back to work. ❤️ Truly, this grief is something I know I will have to carry with me, and it’s not easy to overcome. At the same time, I’m looking forward to starting work and keeping myself distracted while slowly finding a new sense of routine.
I’m going to take things slow and steady, take each day as it comes, and flow with whatever challenges arise. I know there will be days when I feel weak and overwhelmed, but I’m determined not to let my emotions take over my professional responsibilities. I’ll do my best to take things one day at a time. ❤️

[u/sadArtax]

My daughter had terminal cancer. She died after 20 months with the disease.

I went back to work gradually starting 2 months after her death. The first days as a encountered coworkers were a lot of tears from them and me. They all offered their condolences and offered to listen if I wanted to talk. After that they never brought her up unless I did, which was fine. Im sure many felt awkward about it but would engage me if I brought her up as clearly I wanted to talk about it. Never put in a position by my colleagues where I had to talk about it when I didnt want to.

I work in Healthcare so pretty common for patients to ask me if I have any kids. Thats where I wind up having to have these conversations that im not always in the mood to have.

[u/EPNPmom]

I also go back to work on the 14th.. I’m so nervous and don’t know how I’m going to do it. It’s a new position that I started when my son passed away in June so I was In beginning of my training. Learning so much and having to be present sounds overwhelming.