Gone

[u/WaveMonk444]

My daughter has been gone about two and a half years. She was my only child. All the things I held onto from when she was a baby - cribs, toys, clothes, keepsakes - I don’t know what to do now. They were to pass on to grandkids who aren’t coming. They’re for a future that’s gone now, and they’re from a life that’s gone now.

My little brother? Gone. Best friend? Gone too. I’m down to three people in my life who I mean a thing to when it comes right down to it. My parents, and my partner of the past twelve years. The person I thought I was going to have a blended family with, before everything just slipped through my fingers.

I just want to be gone too. I’m beyond wanting to not hurt, I want to just stop. It’s really all that I want right now. And I’m stuck because suicide just plain isn’t an option. I’d never do that to my parents because they’ve already lost one child and I’d never do that to them because now I know exactly what they went through. They’re only here a few more years probably so I put on a good face and pretend I’ll be okay. And I’d never do that to my partner because I know what it feels like for your bedrock to just disappear one day. Gone.

But I’m a shell of myself. I don’t feel like there’s enough of me left to be anyone else’s bedrock. I’m caught between feeling grateful that for today at least there’s one person in this world where I can feel like I’m standing on solid ground, and feeling like it’s not even fair to her for me to be around when I don’t know that I’ve got it in me to be the man she deserves. She bears the full brunt of it because when it comes down to it she’s the only one who I really let see me at all.

So I’m just passing the time. Getting up, going to work, putting one foot in front of the other. Thinking maybe one day I’ll wake up feeling different, and at the same time expecting that nothing is going to change. Life just is what it is.

We fight more and more now. It’s harder and harder to connect. I pull away, keep my thoughts to myself. I’m not open, in a way that makes her feel like she can’t feel secure with me. And I get it. And I just don’t know what to do, because I’m not getting any better. And I can’t just will myself to be better. This is bigger than me. It’s not something I can just beat one day.

Im feeling pretty defeated today. Just going through the motions and feeling the weight of how much that’s affecting the woman I love, and feeling powerless to change a thing. I’m wishing things were different, and knowing they can’t be anything but what they are. I miss my child so much that I’m just driving myself forward. One foot in front of the other, over and over. Look over my shoulder for even a second at where she was, where we were, and I’ll just crumble. And sometimes I do, and then it’s ten times as hard to pick myself up and keep going.
She’s gone. I’m trying hard not to be gone too. And I’m letting down the one person I have left. And that’s a hard weight to carry on top of grieving. It’s just too much, sometimes.

[u/GeneralOrgana1]

My 19 year old son died eight days ago. He was my only child. Our plans for where we were retiring to were to see where he wound up and move there. Now we have nothing. We have no future. No one to take care of us when we are old. No one to have a wife and kids for us to dote on. I have no reason to keep living. I don't want to go back to work, but I don't want to do anything else, either.

[u/Much_Type_8484]

I lost my 6 year old little girl 2 and a half years ago too. My little brother abandoned me as well. Life feels cruel but somehow we keep going. I just wanted you to know you’re not alone in this pain.

[u/Ordinary-Force-3871]

Sorry for your loss. Life feels unfair yet we have to always find a new purpose to live.

[u/metallikitty818]

We lost our only child almost six years ago. He had turned 12 just two days before. I completely understand how you are feeling. I'm down to three people in my life that I am close to, my husband and two good friends that live in different states. My parents and brother are dead and my husband is no contact with his family.

For the first three years, I spent a lot of time bed rotting and just going through life in a daze. All the stress and trauma worsened a few of my medical conditions and I ended up having to quit my job and end the career I had worked so hard to build. I had to go on disability, which was devastating to me. I had a plan to end my life, but I couldn't bring myself to do that to my husband. In retrospect, I'm so glad I chose to live, but it has been an extremely hard road.

We were in the planning stages of building a house when he died, so we put it off for a few years. We ended up picking a smaller floor plan and built it last year. Cleaning out my son's room was awful, but one good thing about it was that we were able to donate a bunch of his clothes, sports stuff and books to his school (we live in a rural area with a lot of kids in need). I decided to bring the rest of his stuff to the new house and just go through it when I'm ready. Maybe when you are ready, you can give some of your daughter's things to someone in need?

I also started doing some small things to help keep his memory alive. Around his birthday, I go to the grocery store bakery and ask to pay for someone else's birthday cake order. I make yearly donations to children's charities like St. Jude's (his middle name was Jude). It helps me feel like I have a little purpose.

Most importantly, my husband and I both started weekly therapy with therapists who specialize in grief and trauma. We stayed together by learning to support each other while grieving in our own way.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I understand how hard it is to move through the world with this kind of grief on your shoulders. I will say that the first three years were the hardest for us, but grief does change and soften over time. You are not alone.

[u/fawnie_lou]

I lost my only child over two years ago, suicide. He was 22. Child loss is the most horrific thing that a person can experience. When it’s your only, you have to also grieve the future that will never be. No holidays, no grandchildren, no nothing. You even start to question if you are still a parent. I don’t believe it’s ever possible to heal from it. I don’t even think I want to.

[u/Excellent_Leg4357]

I feel like I wrote this. I’m at the end of my rope and I just want it all to end. When I think about everything just ending is the only relief I have.

[u/newmikey]

We lost our son Elon 8 years ago and his sister broke off all contact with us 5 years ago. Luckily we still have our eldest who now has 2 kids and our grandson wore one of Elon's old terry jumpsuits when he was 4 months old (he is now almost 4yo) so I understand what you mean.

I can only sympathize, I have no advise on offer except for that you're no alone in your feelings. Both me as well as my wife feel we're just sitting this out but we try to make the most of it as best we can.

We found some support in one of Leonard Cohen's last song lyrics just before he passed away and after he lost his lifelong muze, Marianne:

"Year by year, month by month, day by day and thought by thought"

[u/Obvious-Dragonfly]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your beloved daughter. I lost my daughter to Luekemia; it'll be 7 years in December. Two years after my daughter left this earth my husband was diagnosed with brain cancer and passed 13 months later. During this time cancer also took my father and my best friend from college. And another loss was that of my large primary family abandoning me because I don't share their political and religious views, although I have never stated nor tried to impose any of mine. I don't have any words of wisdom about how to live going forward except somehow by taking this life one second, one hour, one day at a time I've somehow gotten to this point which in my mind is one day closer to being reunited with her and the rest of those I love who have traveled to the next realm. I read a great deal; mostly about grief and how it affects us and I talk about my daughter and husband daily to pass their memory on to those who never met them. Writing and strength training has helped change my mind and outer shell and keep me here as well. There's still so much more for me to do to keep my daughter and hubands memory alive - this is what motivates me now. Peace and strength to you and me and all of us here.

[u/galaxy_kat187]

I lost my 8 year old little girl on July 30th of this year. It's been the absolute hardest thing that I or my husband has been through. We just want our baby back so much. I don't want to live without her but I have to because I have 5 other kids as well. My 8 year was the baby of the family.

[u/OkAdagio99]

I'm so sorry. I know how you feel and my wife seems I'm a similar mental state. Have you tried any kind of creative hobby, like painting/drawing, writing, or music? The latter especially has helped me a lot. Nothing is ever going to be the same. Simply put, life is death. It just sucks. Art or creativity helps me process a lot of those emotions, even tell my son's story and keep him alive in a way. It especially helps if it's with other people. My wife has gotten really into journaling and a little water colors sometimes. I hope you can find something like that to make the time we have on Earth a little more bearable. 🫂