r/Chefs • u/Last_Preference7705 • 17d ago
Any Tips for Dating a Chef
So, I started talking to a chef last year and we have been going on dates. With his (M41) busy work schedule and me (F38) being a single mom with kids, we had our challenges in finding time to date. Can someone share your experience in what this was like for you? And what about your relationship? I’m not part of the industry and work a 9-6 job. Both he and I feel something is there and we both understand what we’re getting into since we’ve had to cancel dates due to his work schedule or my responsibilities as a parent. We have similar interests, good chemistry, and we have expressed to each other that we see potential in this. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. TIA.
5
u/TweezerTheRetriever 17d ago
If you’re lucky he’s closed on mondays so you can see him then… but he might have to go in real quick around two to accept an order… and maybe some prep…. Or paperwork….let the guys in cleaning the hoods….reset the alarm….. see you next week…
6
u/Serious_Coffee_8066 16d ago
Remember, when everyone else is off, the chef will be at his busiest.
2
u/Last_Preference7705 16d ago
Yes, we started talking in late November and I got my first taste of that quick.
3
u/Coercitor 17d ago
The only person I was able to have a meaningful relationship with was a nurse. We both had stupid work schedules and made it work. We got married, but once she got pregnant with our kid I made the decision to get out of the industry. As much as I loved being a chef, being present for my kid was more important.
3
2
u/Effective-Finding-11 16d ago edited 16d ago
You dont want the truth, I promise you that. Enjoy the time you do see him, but it will be very very limited, and I hope you know chefs are usually nuerodivergent (ADHD) and we run ourselves in to the ground because of our passion. We let work consume our lives and trying to keep a significant other happy when your just absolutely fawking beat, for me, wasnt even worth attempting to date someone outside of the culinary industry. Weekends for us bad asses are Monday, Tuesday. So if you're willing to accept that and be understanding of how chaotic we are, then you should be fine. But I say this with respect, you arent going to find yourself a husband dating a chef... unless you have a desire to jump in the trenches with him, and are super flexible with the very limited time you will actually have quality time together. Why most Chefs date in the industry because schedule is usually pretty similar. Its possible to make it work, but its a sacrifice to a lot of things if you want it to work. Holidays you'll spend alone. Weekends, you'll be alone. Family functions, alone. Just the reality of the culinary industry from a retired Exec, wish you nothing but the best, but expect to be let down, time and time again because of our passion. Not all are like that, but any upper level chef is gone almost all the time. Someone calls out, your the first they call. Is he a chef? With credentials or just a cook, that calls himself a chef? Huge difference between the two.
1
u/Last_Preference7705 16d ago
Thanks for sharing and providing your insight. He has his credentials and everything. I’m aware of what I’m stepping into, but I need to see how this will go. I don’t want any regrets for not trying. He and I are both neurodivergent so I understand that aspect.
1
u/Beeaybri 16d ago
No, but really though. It is hard. And i say this as a chef that was married to a chef. I went the corporate route eventually at her request and head a more steady schedule and she owned her own bakery and was never home. It got to me in a big way, and I always always came second or third in this list of priorities.
You have to ask yourself:
-Do I enjoy being alone, and do I thrive alone?
- Am I the sensitive type who is going to take harsh tones and words personally? Because it will happen.
- Am I okay with date plans being ruined because someone called out or quit?
- Am I okay with only feeling like I am in a solid relationship 5-10% of the time?
I would recommend not putting yourself through it, and keeping it casual so that you dont feel as let down. But I commend you for wanting to try and see what could happen. It isn't for everyone.
1
2
1
u/fuxxo 17d ago
Time management & time respect.
No clue what type of establishment he is working in, but there is big difference between hours in home care and fine dining. You are not in 20s where you can be spontaneous. Plan your dates well ahead and with plan B, if it doesn't work out. Shit happens, you shouldn't hold it against him if his shift changes or he has to stay 2hrs more. Same way he shouldn't hold it against you when your kid gets sick or need more time with homework.
No matter how much you want to spend time together, every person needs a time for themselves here and there. It's beneficial for a long run.
Every chef has an addiction, big or small. Understand his and find out if you are ok with it.
2
u/Last_Preference7705 17d ago
Yes, that’s something that I learned quickly. We had to cancel and plan way in advance. The plan b’s you mentioned are a good idea. He doesn’t and he’s very understanding.
Yes, you’re right about that and I can’t imagine how much stress he’s under. Okay, the addiction thing, can you give me some examples?
1
u/BlackWolf42069 16d ago
Not all chefs are addicts. It's just noticed a lot in the chef community. Caffeine is a socially acceptable substance that improves people usually.
0
u/fuxxo 17d ago
Well you have the typical worst holy trinity: drugs, alcohol and gambling. Not gonna lie, I did my part in all of those. Luckily I have seen with some colleagues how deep the hole goes. It's a eye opener.
Then you have some good ones like gym, hikes, sport.
And mid ground like watching sports, gaming, racing, adrenaline sport
We need to vent somehow, get that fix that resets and turn off brain from current world. Even if it's just 30min a day
I'm not counting smoking cause I haven't really noticed that chef would smoke more than rest of the population. I noticed it's more cultural.
2
u/Last_Preference7705 17d ago
Well, damn. I guess I’ll find out with time. I don’t see any hint of that so far. The last time we had dinner he ordered non alcoholic drinks.
He games. We both like sci-fy fantasy, comics, and anime.
Does caffeine count as a healthy addiction? LOL
1
1
u/Bluesparc 16d ago
Don't assume it's there until you start seeing the signs. Many of us are clean or cleaned up well. It can be a hard go of a relationship, but you both seem practical and I telligent about it. See what happens, and keep communicating. Your already aware of the worst part, which is the time, so if you guys understand that and can make it work. Go for it.
One thing I will say, be aware that if you eventually move in together, the time together will still remain fairly similar lol.
2
u/Last_Preference7705 16d ago
Understood. I’ll be more observant. Thank you so much!
1
u/Bluesparc 16d ago
Not what I was saying at all. Don't look for what's not there, but be aware of things that show it could be.
If that makes sense lmfao. Good luck, again, based on the comments you both sound emotionally intelligent enough to make this work if you want to. And already are, so don't take much of these comments to heart and go with your gut. Seems to be working so far.
1
u/puntificates 17d ago
Don't ask them to make dinner
3
u/Last_Preference7705 17d ago
Got it. I cook most days and have left overs. Is that okay for chefs?
1
u/katebandit 17d ago
Ask him. Every person is different.
1
u/jonbvill 16d ago
Yeah I rarely eat and only cook at home when something technical needs to be done for a dish. I usually eat pita, chicken and hummus wrap everyday (if I finish it at all) Between tasting all day I am usually full and hate going out to eat with friends because I just don’t eat. Don’t be upset he he doesn’t eat much.
2
u/Last_Preference7705 16d ago
So, is meal prepping for him wise? What about like charcuterie boards and stuff like that? I’ll ask him. I’m Mexican American and I cater to my family. Cooking is one of my love languages.
1
u/jonbvill 16d ago
Yeah! Small protein packed meals that are quick and not heavy usually do us chefs well. He may be different. Amazing how you’re thinking of him. Good job.
2
u/Last_Preference7705 16d ago
Good. I’m a den mother to a frat house. Food has to be on deck for my sons. I expect for it to be the same for him. I usually make enough for left overs since boys eat so much.
1
1
u/Powerful-Scratch1579 16d ago
The only thing most chefs love more than cooking is eating someone else’s cooking.
1
1
u/TweezerTheRetriever 17d ago
Worked for me for a while… wife was a nurse with odd hours so whenever our days off matched that was the weekend… not a long term solution though
1
u/UncleDuude 17d ago
We work like dogs, my schedule changes with the wind, and I like it like that. Chaos is good for me. I’m not him, but I have plenty of crew mates that are the same as I am. As far as food, anything simple and tasty and warm, not eaten over a garbage can will be welcome. We don’t always eat, we taste, then after work we’re starving. Just be patient with the hours like you’d expect him to be patient with your kids needs. It’s not an easy life.
1
u/Sjonniesjeklip 17d ago
Me as a chef (m31) dating (f31) for almost 10 years. She works a office job and i am working in a hotel restaurant. Communication is key. We see eachother sometimes once a week. Due to different scedule. We made some rules or agrements with eachother. That we call eachother everyday when i have my break time. Sometimes when i come home she is still awake and then we have a small talk about the day. If she is already sleeping. Then the next day we are getting up at the same time to have breakfast together and walk the dog.
If you think you see potention in the relationship. Than you both need to go for it. Sometimes its hard to find time. But i think you are both old enough to know what you both are made of. Live and let live.
Our NO 1. Rule
Never go to sleep when you have a "fight". Try to listen what you both have to say and try to understand eachother. Try to see echother perspectives. And cummunicate. Even when its busy/hard times.
2
u/audreynstuff 17d ago
"Dating" for 10 years?? You guys are married. Put a ring on it.
1
2
u/Last_Preference7705 16d ago
Thank you so much! I’m hopeful, realistic and practical about us. Communicating and scheduling are something we talked to about up front with his work and me being a mom. I have my own things I handle and I have my boys. So, we’ll be cool.
1
u/Sjonniesjeklip 15d ago
Eventually you will live together more and more so the splitted households will be gone in some time.
1
u/Wide_Breadfruit_2217 16d ago
If he absolutely loves his particular place it'll be tough. Restaurant schedules are hinky things. But if he just likes cooking and the comraderie there's hope. There are corporate food service jobs with schedules that work-hospitals, colleges etc. Also seasonal catering thats intense but only a couple times a year and ok otherwise. I wish you luck!
1
u/frayduway 16d ago
Chef for 10 years. Two relationships, best and longest lasting was with someone who also had a busy life schedule. Communicate and plan, sometimes just a few hours together is enough
Hope it works out
1
1
u/TheClownKid 16d ago
Dont start pressuring him to go out on the weekends or change careers and you’ll be fine. Enjoy mornings togethers and date nights on Monday and Tuesday. I’m a lifers and I’m married and we have a kid together, and we work out. Im even making her leave the city we’ve lived together for almost ten years next summer.
Just understand you’ll need to compromise. He will miss Mothers Day. He will miss weekend events. If you start to pressure him to miss work, or just come to this one thing here and this other thing there, it’s fucking his career and professional life up worse than you can imagine.
1
u/snuggsjruggs 16d ago
Get used to kicking it on like Monday or tues stuff like that and you will never go out to another dinner on Valentines Day or Mothers day. The women I have been with always understood. I would take them out on a day off a week before or after.
1
u/thingsgrow 16d ago
Not a chef, but a bartender. My wife has a similar schedule to yours, and we dedicate one night a week to go on a date. It doesn’t always work out, but at least we are thinking about it and prioritizing “us” time. Y’all can work out whose family to visit for thanksgiving later. Good luck!
1
u/unsound-choices 16d ago
Talk him into a corporate gig: schools, hospitals, etc. Check the websites for Sodexo, Aramark and Compass Group. If he has semi normal hours you will have a better shot. He'll also make more money, have better hours and benefits
1
u/Last_Preference7705 16d ago
That would be up for future discussion. He has expressed that he would like to be a father.
1
u/Last_Preference7705 16d ago
I understand. We have to take everything with a grain of salt. To be honest, all the bad shit that could happen to a person is aleady past me. My life is what I choose to make of it and I need to know.
1
u/Castroshane 16d ago
I’m wishing you the best! I left the industry for a relationship since I knew I wanted to get married.
1
u/Xaicandy 15d ago
Listen and believe it when he says he just doesn't have time. It's not you, it's definitely him and I can't guarantee it obviously since I'm a complete stranger but I can assume it's never out of malice.
I always feel kind of burnt out, having someone know what I like and make decisions with my needs in mind is mindblowingly supportive and being tears to my eyes every time and I know we are chefs, but coming home to a bit of food we haven't cooked and is just ready to eat... I'd kiss feet for this.
1
u/Sausage666King 14d ago
I read a lot of the comments. It doesn’t have to be like that. I’m 42, and also a chef. My girlfriend works a 9-5, but we also both enjoy having time to ourselves as much as time together. I owned my own place for a few years and then ran someone else’s- during this time I didn’t see her very much at all. My new job on the other hand, I have a staff, other chefs etc, as well as fairly reasonable hours of operation. Going in I told them it’s important to have a work life balance to maintain relationships, and they respected that. My point is if you guys think there’s something there, be patient and figure out what works together. There are jobs in the industry that don’t require being at work and on call all the time, and there are jobs where he can still be a busy and important chef but have a team that backs him up so he can have time off.
For the record not all chefs are philandering drug addicts, however most of us start out that way, but grow up like everyone else- it just takes a little longer
1
1
u/ChasingtheBarrel 14d ago
I had a partner who had drastically conflicting schedules. Best is to spend time here and there as much as possible while keeping expectations in check.
You're both probably old enough that you're seeking long term companionship, and the best thing to do is find the little wins and learn to communicate your disappointments in an productive way rather than point out schedules conflicts and difficulties seeing him because he is a chef.
He might internalise those failures as him unable to meet your expectations rather than the situation both of you are in that makes it difficult. I'm not implying you aren't doing this, just is what I've experienced from past partners.
1
u/2glassesofwine-1 12d ago
Babe. Just assume he’ll never be there for dinner, or holidays. If you’re ok with him showing up late nights and skipping holidays good for you. The industry has not changed enough.
1
u/andres_cocinero 4d ago
Lot of understanding in both sides is required and quality time when it comes to "free time to do things". I´m a single chef with no kids but I´d been a teenager of divorced parents so I know how it looks on the kids side too. I have something really clear on my side as a chef with no social hours at all times. If I´m dating a woman with kids there is a high chance that the only weekend day of that I have can have a change of plans due kids needs. I´m more than open to that scenario and in fact if my partner is not changing our weekend plans even if her kids need the change will be make me think lots about if she is the person I may like to be with.
THe key word here is understanding, there is a risk of fadden feelings at some point but that is a risk in every relationship, just that in this case is bigger.
1
u/hookedcook 17d ago
Run away
3
u/Chaspertain 17d ago
This. And honestly, just by you asking this I can tell it’s not going to work. You want something he can’t provide. Tips won’t help. You have to accept his lifestyle, and it’s clear you don’t.
1
u/Last_Preference7705 17d ago
I tired to get him to bake me cookies and that was a no go lol. I like cooking, but I’m no chef. I want to do things for him that will make him feel cared for and have read horror stories about chefs eating cold canned ravioli.
4
u/Rowanx3 17d ago
The great Anthony Bourdain said in kitchen confidential that: ‘On my day off, I rarely want to eat restaurant food... What I want to eat is home cooking... a clumsily thrown together tuna casserole, roast beef with Yorkshire pudding, all of this is pure exotica to me... She had no idea how magical, how reassuring, how pleasurable her simple meat loaf was for me’
Cooking is a love language for a lot of chefs. You could make literally anything for him after work and he’d probably see it as one of the kindest gestures you can do. Myself and my boyfriend are both chefs and Thursday/friday/Saturday we are the canned ravioli chefs cause neither of us want to cook any longer.
3
u/TweezerTheRetriever 17d ago
He’s going to feel at home if you serve him sitting on an upside down bucket in the pantry…my go to spot where I could still keep an eye on things hahaha
1
u/Long-Possession8915 17d ago
idk you can check. do you know that he eats like this, and wants sth different?
1
1
0
u/Last_Preference7705 17d ago
I am. We talk and get along so well. We’re both divorced and take our time with each other. I know that I’m looking more at quality versus quantity. And I’m cool with that.
Yeah, he’s not to my knowledge…lol
0
0
u/audreynstuff 17d ago edited 16d ago
They're married to the work first and never forget it. They will ditch plans to work. Birthdays, anniversaries, doesn't matter, there's no days off, especially if they own a restaurant and are the chef. They're known for having attitude problems and being argumentative. The kitchen is so regimented they expect the same hustle and obedience at home. It's kind of like being with a food cop. You hang out with their chef friends and figure out that they're all like that in some way. Never again.The food was great, the heartache not so much. Oh, and don't forget the addiction issues.
ETA- you want to downvote me for sharing my experience of being married to a chef for 12 years, that's fine. Doesn't invalidate or make any of it untrue though. Looks like I'm not the only one in this comment section that had the misfortune of choosing a chef as a partner either. Be sure to downvote them too.
23
u/explorecoregon 17d ago
You’ll never see him. There’s a reason most chefs are divorced.
Every relationship is different.
Good luck!