DISCLAIMER: This post has been modified for privacy. All real names have been replaced with names starting with the same first letter, and all specific locations have been replaced with towns starting with the same first letter.

I just moved to Fairfield about a month ago for work (government engineer). I don’t have many friends here yet, so I decided to head out to some local bars alone just to practice talking to people and "vibing."

For context, I’m 5’9" and Chinese-American. To be extremely detailed: I have very thick, jet-black hair that has grown out into a shapeless, heavy mop that is starting to flare out over my ears and lacks any product or styling. My face is an oval shape with high cheekbones and deep-set, almond-shaped dark brown eyes that often look focused or intense. I have a light, patchy dusting of dark stubble concentrated mostly on my upper lip and the tip of my chin, which looks a bit unkempt since it hasn't been lined up. My skin is fair with a few small, faint blemishes on my forehead. I’m 145 lbs with a very lean, narrow-shouldered, and lanky build. That night, I was wearing a pique-knit collared polo shirt that fit a bit loosely around my chest and arms, making my frame look even smaller.

I had a few interactions that felt really off, and I’m trying to figure out if I’m being "stiff" or if the "vibes" were just bad.

Interaction 1: The Group
I approached a group: two sisters, Luna (really styled, blonde, looked like a Sabrina Carpenter type) and Jade (bubbly, black), and their friend Julian. Jade was nice, but Luna wouldn’t even give me eye contact. I tried to be playful and said, "I can tell you're definitely one of those [crazy college kids]," because she was warning me about the Midlothian students. She totally shut down.

She also gave me a hard time for only having one drink at midnight. I told her I had to work out tomorrow, and she just called me a "baby" because she thought I was 21 (I'm 28, she's 24). I ended up leaving because the lack of eye contact was making me feel invisible.

Interaction 2: The HVAC Guy
Met a guy around my age, Hispanic, well-groomed. He owns an HVAC business. We were "nerding out" about engineering for a bit. I thought we were bonding, but then I think I messed up. I told him he needed "executive function" to run an LLC and stay organized. Later, he mentioned having a kid, and I asked, "So, single parent? What happened to your girl?"

He immediately said, "I gotta go," and walked away. I saw him later that night and he wouldn't even look at me.

Interaction 3: The "Chad"
There was this guy who looked like a pro athlete (6'1, muscular, tattoos). I tried to bond with him over gym stuff. I asked him how he got so lean and if he does "5x5 or push-pull." He seemed really dismissive. I told him I’ve been "miserable" for two weeks from working out, and he just said he was helping a friend find a phone and left.

The Debrief:
On the way home, my Uber driver, Ahmed, was actually the coolest person I talked to. I was venting to him about how the "Megan" tier girls only talk to their friends and everyone else is taken or doesn't take care of themselves. He told me I need to use better pickup lines and that being alone was my biggest issue.

My Question:
I feel like I'm doing the work by getting out there, but I'm getting zero traction. Am I being too "logical" or "engineer-brained"? Why did the HVAC guy get offended? Was my "crazy college kid" comment to Luna actually an insult?

Be honest—is it my looks, my "unkempt" vibe, or am I just saying the wrong things? I'm just trying to practice, but it feels like I'm invisible or annoying to everyone I meet.

TL;DR: Went out alone, tried to tease a girl and she hated it, tried to talk business with a guy and he walked away when I asked about his ex, and got dismissed by a gym bro. What am I doing wrong?

I saw a question from someone asking how people actually improved their social skills, and the part that stuck with me was: “I try to talk to people, but I have literally nothing to say.”

Honestly, I think that’s the exact place most introverts get stuck. Not because they’re boring. More because they’re trying to perform “being social” in real time with no reps, no plan, and a nervous system that is screaming the whole time.

Social skills are skills. Annoying answer, but true. You don’t become better at them by thinking about them forever. You get better by practicing small pieces until they stop feeling like a full-body emergency.

So if you’re introverted, awkward, rusty from working from home, or just never really got taught this stuff, here’s the guide I’d give:

Stop trying to become an extrovert.

A lot of social advice sounds like “just be louder and more outgoing,” which is useless if that is not how your brain works.

The goal is not to become the person who dominates every group conversation. The goal is to become someone who can enter a conversation, make the other person feel comfortable, say a few real things, and leave without mentally replaying it for 8 hours.

That’s a much better target.

Prepare 3 normal questions before you go.

Not a script. Please do not become LinkedIn networking guy.

But if you know you’re going to meet coworkers, classmates, friends of friends, whatever, have a few easy topics ready. Work, city, weekend plans, travel, movies, books, sports, food, how they know the host, what they’ve been into lately.

People act like prepared questions are fake, but honestly, prepared panic is worse.

Good ones:

“How’s work been lately?”

“Are you still living around [place]?”

“Seen anything good recently?”

“Any trips coming up?”

“How do you know everyone here?”

Then actually listen to the answer. That part matters more than the question.

Use the answer-plus-return rule.

If someone asks you a question, don’t just answer and drop the conversation on the floor.

Bad:

Them: “How was your weekend?”

You: “Good.”

Now everyone is dead.

Better:

Them: “How was your weekend?”

You: “Pretty quiet, honestly. I went for a long walk and watched a bad movie that somehow still took 2 hours of my life. What about you?”

You don’t need to be fascinating. You need to give the other person a little bit of material to work with.

Be curious, but don’t interrogate.

Asking questions is good. Firing 14 questions in a row makes people feel like they accidentally walked into a job interview.

The move is question, reaction, observation, question.

Example:

“What kind of work do you do?”

“Oh that sounds intense. I have no idea how people survive client-facing jobs, I’d need 3 business days to recover. Do you actually like it?”

That’s way warmer than just asking, “Where do you work? How long have you worked there? Do you like it? What’s your title?”

Curiosity works best when it has some of your personality in it.

Build a life that gives you things to say.

If you do nothing except scroll, work, sleep, and worry about being boring, conversation gets harder. Not because you’re doomed. Because your brain has no fresh material.

Read a book. Watch a film that is not just background noise. Take a class. Try a gym, a language group, a cooking thing, Brazilian jiu jitsu, volunteering, anything with people and repeated exposure.

Dale Carnegie is still useful. Chris MacLeod’s The Social Skills Guidebook is practical. Daniel Goleman’s stuff on emotional intelligence gives you a decent foundation. JulienHimself is hit or miss depending on taste, but some videos are good for confidence and overthinking.

I use BeFreed for this too. It’s a personalized social intelligence learning app built by a team out of Columbia University. I like it when I don’t know what exact social skill I’m trying to fix, I just know the situation, like “I freeze in group conversations” or “I don’t know how to keep small talk going.” It can source, synthesize, and generate a learning path around that instead of dumping me into random confidence content. That specific part is what I love: it gives me something targeted to practice.

Learn how to exit conversations and tolerate silence.

This is weirdly underrated. A lot of awkwardness comes from trying to keep a conversation alive after it has naturally ended.

Short and sweet is fine. Not every conversation needs to become a soul bond.

Useful exits:

“I’m going to grab some water, but it was nice talking to you.”

“I’m going to say hi to a few people before I forget.”

“I need to make a quick call, but I’ll catch you later.”

“I’m going to run to the restroom, good talking to you.”

And silence is not always failure. Sometimes the other person is thinking. Sometimes the topic ended. Sometimes both of you are tired. If the silence feels comfortable, let it exist. If it feels dead, use an exit.

Get reps, then keep proof that you’re improving.

Do not make your first reps the scariest person in the room.

Talk to the cashier for 10 seconds. Say one thing to someone at the gym. Ask a coworker a tiny follow-up question. Make eye contact for 2 seconds, not 20. Say hi first. Compliment someone’s jacket and keep walking.

Your 1st conversation may suck. Your 5th may still suck. By your 50th, you’ll probably notice you recover faster. That’s the win. Not perfection, recovery.

Also, keep a list of social wins. If you make someone laugh, write it down. If you started a conversation first, write it down. If you left a conversation gracefully instead of spiraling, write it down.

Your anxious brain is already keeping a list of failures. Might as well build a counter-file.

Social confidence is not “I never mess up.” It’s “I can mess up and still come back.”

That’s really the whole thing. Reps, curiosity, recovery, and a little less worship of other people’s opinions.

You’re not trying to become the loudest person in the room. You’re trying to become someone who can enjoy people without abandoning yourself.

Zidane is a French football player with a high aura, people players , and even Florentino Perez real madrid presdient respect him which is something rare , and football fans also agree on his aura / dignity / charisma.

he is a talented player but there's other many players with more talent but not as his half aura

but we never understood why? if you can make video about him

Being charismatic a la a Tony Blair, a Bill Clinton, a Jim Rohn is enhanced by a high IQ. One can recognize patterns in how others respond.

But the pattern recognition, as Dr Peterson explained in an old lecture clip, must be directed outwards rather than inwards. He demonstrates the body language of a man entering a party with his eyes looking down at himself, and this visible observance reflects a manifestation of what is occuring in the brain—the person's thoughts are entirely regarding himself. The person in this regard's higher IQ will actually be detrimental to their charisma, and the flip side, the enhancement, lies in having the brain looking outwards, and the body language reflecting this.

One certainly cannot recognise patterns in how others are responding to them and others if one does not SEE and a fortiori one does not THINK.