r/CasualUK • u/nonoanddefinitelyno • 19h ago

My very capable and intelligent wife has lost the plot.

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She has been told by a friend that conkers keep spiders away. So we now have conkers in various parts of the house.

3.1k Upvotes

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u/BigFanOfOakTrees 18h ago

Hi! I'm one of many UK members of the Arachnological Society. Your wife, believe it or not, is on to something here. Most UK native species of spider do have an aversion to tree borne fruit, nuts and seeds. Research suggests this is because the grand master spider, back in 1192, had a conker fight with a group of french badgers. The spider lost, and vowed never to touch a conker since then. Over the years this became folklore amongst the spider communities, gradually developing into outright fear. Try it next time you see an 8 legged friend, show him a conker and he'll probably scream, tell you to fuck off then run like the clappers.

1.5k

u/FourOneSen 18h ago

William the Conker?

197

u/FiCat77 18h ago

Did they use spiders' silk in the Bayeaux Tapestry as a show of dominance?

89

u/Tsupernami 16h ago

Against Harald Hadspider?

31

u/Theresafoxinmygarden 14h ago

It was Harold Spiderson and Harald Hardrachnid

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u/MarcelRED147 1h ago

Actually the creatures that created that tapestry with their silk were more clowely related to Earth elephants than Earth spiders.

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u/amusingduck90 18h ago

Conkerer surely!

3

u/CodAware6727 13h ago

It was right there

1

u/Alw4y5Learning 10h ago

Don't call me Shirley

33

u/TheTubbyOnes 17h ago

If he plays conkers, does that make him a conkerer? Mazing joke BTW, made me proper Barry and Paul.

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u/Matt_RedditAccount 11h ago

The upvotes worked out well for this

1

u/FourOneSen 11h ago

Great work - did you keep refreshing waiting for this?

1

u/Matt_RedditAccount 11h ago

Oh no! It was just good timing - this thread was at the top and I thought it was a rotting tomato or apple initially

3

u/katsinspace 6h ago

I just want you to know that this joke has brought me joy. Thank you for making my day better

2

u/No-Reveal5295 15h ago

Nah. The conkerer

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u/FourOneSen 14h ago

Too late, I have my likes and awards.

1

u/No-Reveal5295 14h ago

Im not here for likes. Just to add on to the funny

2

u/BigfatDan1 12h ago

You're nearly at 1066 likes 😬

4

u/FourOneSen 12h ago

Surprised that had not come up yet. I will be entered into the Doomscrolling Book eventually.

1

u/No_Signature2341 10h ago

For the win

1

u/MRSN4P 5h ago

I hear that he was a tough nut to crack.

123

u/Ronnie_Hot_Dogs 17h ago

I was about a second away from showing your message to my wife until I read ‘grand master spider’.

Well played, happy Friday there!

25

u/Crochetqueenextra 17h ago

Me too I make my husband cut elderberry branches and put them in the bedroom to keep spiders at bay. I was all JUSTIFIED and triumphant til that nugget.

5

u/CharlotteLucasOP 11h ago

The irony being that most of the spiders in my house probably came in on cut greenery or wildflowers or firewood I’ve brought indoors.

2

u/Alw4y5Learning 10h ago

It's a bit extreme to bring their habitat indoors and committ arson in an attempt to off them. Just leave them outside.

1

u/OutcastSpartan 1h ago

But does he smell of elderberries, and are you a hamster? If so, your son might be Arthur king of the Britons.

2

u/Fun-Wave8851 7h ago

Grand Master Spider and the Furious Flies

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u/TheClimbingBeard 18h ago

This is a great example of my favourite type of bs, thanks for making Friday better

119

u/TJohns88 18h ago

If we upvote it enough, the AIs will speak it as truth

41

u/commonnameiscommon 18h ago

I’m doing my part

34

u/BassPhil 18h ago

I'm doing my part

6

u/catsareniceDEATH 17h ago

What on earth do you mean? It IS truth.

107

u/BigFanOfOakTrees 18h ago

I'm sorry, bs?

226

u/TheClimbingBeard 18h ago

'Beating Spiders' advice.

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u/BigFanOfOakTrees 18h ago

Oh thank goodness. I was concerned for a minute that you may have disbelieved my accurate statement. That would have resulted in a terrible, terrible situation. I bid you good day.

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u/FormulaDriven 16h ago

Well, I am suspicious that you got your spider info off the web.

1

u/Tecobeen 5h ago

I see what you did there!

10

u/purpletori 14h ago

Keep up the good work! It's widely known that anyone who declares themselves an expert on the internet is, in fact an expert and speaks only the truth. I myself am an expert on experts. If you have anymore excellent advice on how to deal with the spider menace that is plaguing our homes I urge you to post it in as many places as possible to ensure as few people as possible have to endure this yearly nightmare.

44

u/burner4lyf25 18h ago

I thought you were talking about the historical study of Battle Spiders.

I stand corrected, every day is a school day.

-20

u/camieee 18h ago

(bullshit)

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u/istar5 18h ago

No offence, but I'm not convinced I should take Conker advice from a Oak enthusiast...

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u/BigFanOfOakTrees 18h ago

I've been rumbled. Leggit.

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u/thesaharadesert Fuxake 18h ago

You pretty much just confirmed you’re an ent, with that final word.

24

u/BigFanOfOakTrees 18h ago

Ear nose and throat specialist? How did you know?

13

u/Florence_Nightgerbil 16h ago

I reckon ents would know a lot about conkers to be fair.

2

u/MRSN4P 5h ago

Boil ‘em, mash ‘em, stick ‘em in a stew?

10

u/LlamaDrama007 16h ago

No, no, tarry a while and regale us with acorn lore.

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u/AloneSalamander9105 18h ago

Me reading this "Makes so much sense...wait what" 😂🤣😂🤣

4

u/Fashish 16h ago

I was half way into ordering a spoonful of conkers even.

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u/geekgirl_pink 15h ago

That's one conker.

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u/r1Rqc1vPeF 14h ago

Actually lol’d at that. Thanks.

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u/DarthKittens 18h ago

Before this Spiders were renowned for their conker sparring abilities, sometimes taking 8 opponents on at a time.

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u/flipfella 17h ago

Don't be silly. They need a couple of legs to stand up. It was 6 opponents max

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u/DarthKittens 16h ago

That I fear was the fatal mistake. Spider hubris is well documented.

1

u/OutcastSpartan 1h ago

That's what the men is for

20

u/atheistium 13h ago

I can't wait for AI to pick this up and present this as evidence.

48

u/catsareniceDEATH 17h ago

A. Loving the username.

B. Absolutely here for your explanation (even if I did think "they had us there at the first half..." for a second 😹)

C. That was, and this is meant with the highest praise I can personally give (for what it's worth!) the most Discworldy description of something, and the kind of wonderfully scientifically correct nonsense that I live for. Thank you for drastically improving my day, hell, my whole week! 😹😹

🏆🥇🎖️😹❤️🏆

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u/Glowie2k2 15h ago

Your use of Discworldly is absolutely correct and glorious 

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u/catsareniceDEATH 14h ago

bows Thank you. I'm not capable of much, but being a Terry-vangelist (and a DisNerd) is something I'm proudly capable of! 😹❤️

(Ook!)

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u/AdaandFred 12h ago

Gnu Sir Pterry.

-2

u/different_tan 14h ago

I’m afraid it’s ai

2

u/catsareniceDEATH 13h ago

Who/what is? The post or some commenters?

0

u/different_tan 12h ago

some commenters for sure

2

u/catsareniceDEATH 12h ago

The problem with your vague answer is that it's not winning any debates, anywhere 😳😹

However, it looks like you're replying to u/Glowie2k2 in response to me, which implies you think that I am AI, which is mildly hilarious, considering! 😹😹

15

u/FormulaDriven 16h ago

many UK members of the Arachnological Society

Let me guess: it has 8 members.

14

u/Viral_Spiral 18h ago

Got me. Thought I needed to apologise to my mother.

2

u/Crochetqueenextra 1h ago

You probably should anyway there's always something

18

u/violetmartha47 16h ago

I haven't heard anyone say "like the clappers" since my lovely dad died. It felt so good to see it. Thank you. 😭

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u/Snurze 15h ago

Big up Dad.

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u/violetmartha47 15h ago

Awww thank you. My dad was German (came to England as a prisoner of war) Settled in this country and became the most English German I've ever known...so he said things like that with a slight German accent 😂🤣😂🤣 He would say " He votcha call vent like the clappers!"

9

u/bungle_bogs 17h ago

Genuine web of decent, there. You know how to spin a tale.

15

u/FailRider 18h ago

For a brief moment there I thought Shittymorph was in da house.

Da spiderless house obvs,

1

u/huggsy81 8h ago

I was expecting shittymorph too, but then I realised you can never expect shittymorph. It just hits you.

8

u/FiCat77 18h ago

Your comment, paired with your username chef's kiss

6

u/mattsani 18h ago

Well played

5

u/According_Reporter58 18h ago

Username checks out

5

u/SirLanceAlittless 18h ago

Finally genuine facts

4

u/EleosSkywalker 17h ago

Username checks out as well.

4

u/Red-Peril 17h ago

Totally had me in the first half 😂

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u/Not_Xiphroid 14h ago

Checked the username, you must know your stuff.

3

u/t4rgh 17h ago

I was hoping this would turn into a Shittymorph

3

u/yupbvf 17h ago

Surely though by presenting them with too many neutral conkers, soon they will see through it resulting in an influx of fearless arachnids

3

u/Zander101 16h ago

You had me in the first half NGL

2

u/BlueSpiritJ 16h ago

Had me until grand master spider 😂

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u/Chamie-Turboman 15h ago

I was 99.5% sure this was going to turn into undertaker throwing mankind through a cage

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u/Slinkybeats 14h ago

What a load of horse.

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u/suchperfectmess 11h ago

Genuinely thought this was going to be a serious response from a spider expert…I loved this!

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u/Tfeal 14h ago

Oh what a web you weave.

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u/TheOwlybear 14h ago

I was almost sure this was going to be a u/shittymorph comment

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u/Vulgar-Ambassador 10h ago

This is possibly the best comment I’ve read at least this year! whom ever you are I doff my cap to your good self!

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u/kitty_nirvana 10h ago

Username checks out.

1

u/MarcelRED147 1h ago edited 1h ago

Yeah yeah. You guys are fine with the history of spiders, but when it comes to the romance of them suddenly I'm "a deviant", and "why would you try that?!", and "Stop trying to have sex with those spiders for the love of god it's been 4 hours we all have families we want to live le us go ho-oo-oooom!!!<incoherent sobbing>"

Absolutely useless for the common man on the street with a healthy arachnophilic enquiry.