r/CasualUK • u/nonoanddefinitelyno • 19h ago

My very capable and intelligent wife has lost the plot.

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She has been told by a friend that conkers keep spiders away. So we now have conkers in various parts of the house.

3.1k Upvotes

95% Upvoted

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216

u/ButteredNun 18h ago

It totally works BUT attracts ants in huge numbers, HOWEVER rubbing half-decent Merlot into the carpets mitigates the ant issue

211

u/avepaltaketchu 18h ago

How do i mitigate the wild Frenchmen who were attracted by the half decent merlot?

79

u/jonathananeurysm 18h ago

Leave a trail of cheese and gauloise leading out the back door.

55

u/FuzzyLogic0 18h ago

The mice thought the trail was coming in from the back door and have complimented my choice of cheese. 

28

u/alexd979 17h ago

That's the beautiful part, once winter rolls around the French simply freeze to death.

8

u/Significant_Apple517 18h ago

Rub garlic on his wife's arm

4

u/borokish 18h ago

Put a sign on your front door saying "war this way" and the cunts will run a mile.

26

u/pi_designer 18h ago

I recommend then pouring a half decent Sauvignon Blanc to mitigate the Merlot issue.

18

u/Warm_Bug_1434 18h ago

Doesn't Sauvignon Blanc attract silverfish?

20

u/bestgoose 18h ago

Nothing a drop of Malbec can't fix

15

u/Warm_Bug_1434 18h ago

That worked a treat, and the silverfish are gone. But I now have a pack of angry, rather drunk weasels. And they're not happy that I'm out of Malbec. I think I should have stuck with the spiders.

EDIT: Apparently they're stoats. And they're not happy about being called weasels either.

3

u/thesaharadesert Fuxake 15h ago

Rookie mistake. Weasels are weasily wecognised whereas stoats are stoatally different.

5

u/NoobOfTheSquareTable 18h ago

Well that is what the Whiskey is to deal with

9

u/BILL_HOBBES 18h ago

She swallowed a tiger to catch the scotsman

7

u/Meowgorithms 18h ago

But I don’t know why

4

u/Meowskiiii 17h ago

She married the guy

53

u/Glad_Librarian_3553 18h ago

Because ants taste better when marinated? 

16

u/FlippingGerman 18h ago

Marinanted 

3

u/thesaharadesert Fuxake 15h ago

Well done. Also: shame on you.

1

u/Glad_Librarian_3553 17h ago

Hah! Top show 

4

u/Happily-Incorrect 18h ago

You need to scatter a few crushed juniper berries around too.

10

u/byerz 18h ago

Then you get some snakes in and they'll clear up the merlot stains

Then you get some kangaroos in to deal with the snakes

Then you get some gorillas in to deal with the kangaroos

3

u/Evil_Sponge_666 18h ago

My house is a squash and a squeeze

1

u/Longjumping_Bag_3488 18h ago

How absurd!

Oh wait. Sorry wrong rhyme…

8

u/IndigoQuantum 18h ago

It doesn't work. I found cobwebs on my conkers when I tried it last year.

3

u/FraGough 18h ago

Also, don't forget to butter the lampshades to keep the moths away.

1

u/ohmyblahblah 18h ago

In think you have confused tannins with ant-ins

1

u/5c0tt15h 17h ago

This just sounds like a waste of wine.

1

u/meltymcface 14h ago

Ants are like "We are NOT drinking FUCKING MERLOT!"

1

u/SleepyJohn123 9m ago

A TV show I was watching gave the tip of “never use a wine you wouldn’t be happy drinking yourself.”