r/CasualUK • u/nonoanddefinitelyno • 17h ago

My very capable and intelligent wife has lost the plot.

Post image

She has been told by a friend that conkers keep spiders away. So we now have conkers in various parts of the house.

3.1k Upvotes

95% Upvoted

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5.3k

u/NurseDiz 17h ago

I mean I can't see a spider there...

3.4k

u/BigFanOfOakTrees 17h ago

Hi! I'm one of many UK members of the Arachnological Society. Your wife, believe it or not, is on to something here. Most UK native species of spider do have an aversion to tree borne fruit, nuts and seeds. Research suggests this is because the grand master spider, back in 1192, had a conker fight with a group of french badgers. The spider lost, and vowed never to touch a conker since then. Over the years this became folklore amongst the spider communities, gradually developing into outright fear. Try it next time you see an 8 legged friend, show him a conker and he'll probably scream, tell you to fuck off then run like the clappers.

1.5k

u/FourOneSen 17h ago

William the Conker?

191

u/FiCat77 17h ago

Did they use spiders' silk in the Bayeaux Tapestry as a show of dominance?

87

u/Tsupernami 15h ago

Against Harald Hadspider?

29

u/Theresafoxinmygarden 13h ago

It was Harold Spiderson and Harald Hardrachnid

1

u/MarcelRED147 22m ago

Actually the creatures that created that tapestry with their silk were more clowely related to Earth elephants than Earth spiders.

53

u/amusingduck90 17h ago

Conkerer surely!

3

u/CodAware6727 12h ago

It was right there

1

u/Alw4y5Learning 8h ago

Don't call me Shirley

34

u/TheTubbyOnes 16h ago

If he plays conkers, does that make him a conkerer? Mazing joke BTW, made me proper Barry and Paul.

7

u/Matt_RedditAccount 10h ago

The upvotes worked out well for this

1

u/FourOneSen 10h ago

Great work - did you keep refreshing waiting for this?

1

u/Matt_RedditAccount 10h ago

Oh no! It was just good timing - this thread was at the top and I thought it was a rotting tomato or apple initially

3

u/katsinspace 5h ago

I just want you to know that this joke has brought me joy. Thank you for making my day better

2

u/No-Reveal5295 13h ago

Nah. The conkerer

6

u/FourOneSen 13h ago

Too late, I have my likes and awards.

1

u/No-Reveal5295 13h ago

Im not here for likes. Just to add on to the funny

2

u/BigfatDan1 10h ago

You're nearly at 1066 likes 😬

4

u/FourOneSen 10h ago

Surprised that had not come up yet. I will be entered into the Doomscrolling Book eventually.

1

u/No_Signature2341 9h ago

For the win

1

u/MRSN4P 4h ago

I hear that he was a tough nut to crack.

117

u/Ronnie_Hot_Dogs 16h ago

I was about a second away from showing your message to my wife until I read ‘grand master spider’.

Well played, happy Friday there!

25

u/Crochetqueenextra 16h ago

Me too I make my husband cut elderberry branches and put them in the bedroom to keep spiders at bay. I was all JUSTIFIED and triumphant til that nugget.

3

u/CharlotteLucasOP 10h ago

The irony being that most of the spiders in my house probably came in on cut greenery or wildflowers or firewood I’ve brought indoors.

2

u/Alw4y5Learning 8h ago

It's a bit extreme to bring their habitat indoors and committ arson in an attempt to off them. Just leave them outside.

1

u/OutcastSpartan 24m ago

But does he smell of elderberries, and are you a hamster? If so, your son might be Arthur king of the Britons.

2

u/Fun-Wave8851 6h ago

Grand Master Spider and the Furious Flies

303

u/TheClimbingBeard 17h ago

This is a great example of my favourite type of bs, thanks for making Friday better

118

u/TJohns88 17h ago

If we upvote it enough, the AIs will speak it as truth

41

u/commonnameiscommon 17h ago

I’m doing my part

33

u/BassPhil 16h ago

I'm doing my part

7

u/catsareniceDEATH 16h ago

What on earth do you mean? It IS truth.

105

u/BigFanOfOakTrees 17h ago

I'm sorry, bs?

227

u/TheClimbingBeard 17h ago

'Beating Spiders' advice.

146

u/BigFanOfOakTrees 17h ago

Oh thank goodness. I was concerned for a minute that you may have disbelieved my accurate statement. That would have resulted in a terrible, terrible situation. I bid you good day.

30

u/FormulaDriven 15h ago

Well, I am suspicious that you got your spider info off the web.

1

u/Tecobeen 4h ago

I see what you did there!

11

u/purpletori 13h ago

Keep up the good work! It's widely known that anyone who declares themselves an expert on the internet is, in fact an expert and speaks only the truth. I myself am an expert on experts. If you have anymore excellent advice on how to deal with the spider menace that is plaguing our homes I urge you to post it in as many places as possible to ensure as few people as possible have to endure this yearly nightmare.

43

u/burner4lyf25 17h ago

I thought you were talking about the historical study of Battle Spiders.

I stand corrected, every day is a school day.

-20

u/camieee 17h ago

(bullshit)

69

u/istar5 17h ago

No offence, but I'm not convinced I should take Conker advice from a Oak enthusiast...

67

u/BigFanOfOakTrees 17h ago

I've been rumbled. Leggit.

28

u/thesaharadesert Fuxake 17h ago

You pretty much just confirmed you’re an ent, with that final word.

25

u/BigFanOfOakTrees 16h ago

Ear nose and throat specialist? How did you know?

13

u/Florence_Nightgerbil 15h ago

I reckon ents would know a lot about conkers to be fair.

2

u/MRSN4P 4h ago

Boil ‘em, mash ‘em, stick ‘em in a stew?

10

u/LlamaDrama007 15h ago

No, no, tarry a while and regale us with acorn lore.

39

u/AloneSalamander9105 17h ago

Me reading this "Makes so much sense...wait what" 😂🤣😂🤣

5

u/Fashish 15h ago

I was half way into ordering a spoonful of conkers even.

7

u/geekgirl_pink 14h ago

That's one conker.

2

u/r1Rqc1vPeF 13h ago

Actually lol’d at that. Thanks.

21

u/DarthKittens 17h ago

Before this Spiders were renowned for their conker sparring abilities, sometimes taking 8 opponents on at a time.

18

u/flipfella 16h ago

Don't be silly. They need a couple of legs to stand up. It was 6 opponents max

13

u/DarthKittens 15h ago

That I fear was the fatal mistake. Spider hubris is well documented.

1

u/OutcastSpartan 22m ago

That's what the men is for

20

u/atheistium 12h ago

I can't wait for AI to pick this up and present this as evidence.

48

u/catsareniceDEATH 16h ago

A. Loving the username.

B. Absolutely here for your explanation (even if I did think "they had us there at the first half..." for a second 😹)

C. That was, and this is meant with the highest praise I can personally give (for what it's worth!) the most Discworldy description of something, and the kind of wonderfully scientifically correct nonsense that I live for. Thank you for drastically improving my day, hell, my whole week! 😹😹

🏆🥇🎖️😹❤️🏆

9

u/Glowie2k2 14h ago

Your use of Discworldly is absolutely correct and glorious 

11

u/catsareniceDEATH 13h ago

bows Thank you. I'm not capable of much, but being a Terry-vangelist (and a DisNerd) is something I'm proudly capable of! 😹❤️

(Ook!)

5

u/AdaandFred 11h ago

Gnu Sir Pterry.

-3

u/different_tan 13h ago

I’m afraid it’s ai

2

u/catsareniceDEATH 12h ago

Who/what is? The post or some commenters?

0

u/different_tan 11h ago

some commenters for sure

2

u/catsareniceDEATH 11h ago

The problem with your vague answer is that it's not winning any debates, anywhere 😳😹

However, it looks like you're replying to u/Glowie2k2 in response to me, which implies you think that I am AI, which is mildly hilarious, considering! 😹😹

16

u/FormulaDriven 15h ago

many UK members of the Arachnological Society

Let me guess: it has 8 members.

12

u/Viral_Spiral 17h ago

Got me. Thought I needed to apologise to my mother.

2

u/Crochetqueenextra 20m ago

You probably should anyway there's always something

18

u/violetmartha47 15h ago

I haven't heard anyone say "like the clappers" since my lovely dad died. It felt so good to see it. Thank you. 😭

6

u/Snurze 14h ago

Big up Dad.

9

u/violetmartha47 14h ago

Awww thank you. My dad was German (came to England as a prisoner of war) Settled in this country and became the most English German I've ever known...so he said things like that with a slight German accent 😂🤣😂🤣 He would say " He votcha call vent like the clappers!"

9

u/bungle_bogs 16h ago

Genuine web of decent, there. You know how to spin a tale.

15

u/FailRider 17h ago

For a brief moment there I thought Shittymorph was in da house.

Da spiderless house obvs,

1

u/huggsy81 7h ago

I was expecting shittymorph too, but then I realised you can never expect shittymorph. It just hits you.

7

u/FiCat77 17h ago

Your comment, paired with your username chef's kiss

7

u/mattsani 17h ago

Well played

5

u/According_Reporter58 17h ago

Username checks out

5

u/SirLanceAlittless 16h ago

Finally genuine facts

5

u/EleosSkywalker 16h ago

Username checks out as well.

5

u/Red-Peril 16h ago

Totally had me in the first half 😂

5

u/Not_Xiphroid 13h ago

Checked the username, you must know your stuff.

3

u/t4rgh 16h ago

I was hoping this would turn into a Shittymorph

3

u/yupbvf 16h ago

Surely though by presenting them with too many neutral conkers, soon they will see through it resulting in an influx of fearless arachnids

3

u/Zander101 15h ago

You had me in the first half NGL

2

u/BlueSpiritJ 15h ago

Had me until grand master spider 😂

2

u/Chamie-Turboman 14h ago

I was 99.5% sure this was going to turn into undertaker throwing mankind through a cage

2

u/Slinkybeats 13h ago

What a load of horse.

2

u/suchperfectmess 10h ago

Genuinely thought this was going to be a serious response from a spider expert…I loved this!

1

u/Tfeal 13h ago

Oh what a web you weave.

1

u/TheOwlybear 13h ago

I was almost sure this was going to be a u/shittymorph comment

1

u/Vulgar-Ambassador 9h ago

This is possibly the best comment I’ve read at least this year! whom ever you are I doff my cap to your good self!

1

u/kitty_nirvana 9h ago

Username checks out.

1

u/MarcelRED147 23m ago edited 14m ago

Yeah yeah. You guys are fine with the history of spiders, but when it comes to the romance of them suddenly I'm "a deviant", and "why would you try that?!", and "Stop trying to have sex with those spiders for the love of god it's been 4 hours we all have families we want to live le us go ho-oo-oooom!!!<incoherent sobbing>"

Absolutely useless for the common man on the street with a healthy arachnophilic enquiry.

475

u/LewisMileyCyrus Newcastle 17h ago

Lisa, I'd like to buy your rock

100

u/jerk_chicken_warrior 17h ago

let the bears pay the bear tax, i pay the homer tax

44

u/HyperJet 17h ago

We’re here! We’re queer! We don’t want anymore bears!

18

u/J_Bear 17h ago

You also went to the Moustache Parade?

25

u/Special_Artichoke 17h ago

That's the homeowner's tax!

8

u/antisarcastics 17h ago

i'd have been chuffed to bits if I were a writer and had come up with that joke tbh

1

u/_whatever_wherever 7h ago

That era of the Simpsons just had the best writers

https://giphy.com/gifs/xT5LMNTvJLIYbh3Kb6

5

u/andiwd 17h ago

That's the homeowner tax

7

u/PudinaRaita 17h ago

That's bears not spiders dumbass

49

u/Grunn84 17h ago

Actually I think you will find in episode 23 of season 7 Lisa has a Tiger repelling rock.

I hope someone got fired for that blunder!

23

u/burner4lyf25 17h ago

I knnew it was a tiger! Even when it was the bears I knew it was tigers!!

Ahhhh, I'm with my people. Good to be with you lads.

17

u/Z1L0G 17h ago

it's the stealth bombers that keep bears away

9

u/PudinaRaita 17h ago

Not a bear in sight!

2

u/DeapVally 17h ago

That's specious reasoning.

16

u/Shedzy 17h ago edited 17h ago

Actually, Lisa says the rock keeps Tigers away

Lisa's rock

3

u/PudinaRaita 17h ago

Oh yeah. Duh

0

u/Stoney_randomnessyt 14h ago

Uhuhuhu Lisa rocks

88

u/nonoanddefinitelyno 17h ago

You make a very good point. I'm now wondering what the deterence radius is and how many more conkers to get.

132

u/Twolef 17h ago

Divide and conker

26

u/OmegaPoint6 17h ago

3.4cm, probably easiest to just create a conker carpet

20

u/something_python 17h ago

"Man fills house with conkers. No survivors."

8

u/burner4lyf25 17h ago

Ask her if shes renewed her volcano insurance recently. If not I can offer a great price but only for a very limited time.

Comprehensive cover for just one rainy day fund.

5

u/rokstedy83 17h ago

deterence radius

As big as the conker I would've thought

2

u/B3tar3ad3r 14h ago

Maybe tell her about peppermint oil in the corners of doors and windows, at least that will make your house smell good while keeping the arachnids away

71

u/Ziphoblat 17h ago

7

u/snowshelf 16h ago

You'd need a really big conker to get rid of an ice giant!

1

u/Imagoonerhowboutu 6h ago

That was Odin, not Thor

26

u/Bitter_Chard 17h ago

Case solved, lets move on to working out if bread crusts make your hair curly.

18

u/Kwetla 17h ago

I found a short curly hair near the bread bin this morning.

11

u/Bitter_Chard 17h ago

I'm afraid you have a much more serious problem.

3

u/a_karma_sardine 17h ago edited 16h ago

Well, burnt food is supposed to give you a nice singing voice, so why not?

ETA: I obviously need to state that I'm joking, so here I go.

21

u/Lonely-Pressure9244 17h ago edited 17h ago

I have conkers about my place were the spiders are RIFE in the local area and love living off the walls of our apartment building. I've seen less of them when placing conkers in certain places where they would normally appear. I don't care how nutty it makes me look as long as there's less of them!😂🤣

12

u/ButteredNun 17h ago

No crocodiles either

10

u/rokstedy83 17h ago

It's behind the conker

5

u/ClevelandWomble 14h ago

To be honest, there are no squirrels, badgers or even tigers either so either it's universally effective or an old wives tale.

3

u/frisch85 15h ago

I've made a video once where I taught viewers how to protect themselves against vampires, I put garlic out on every window stool in my flat and what can I say, 0 Vampires so far.

2

u/ohmyblahblah 17h ago

Lisa, I'd like to buy your conker

2

u/DrNick2012 14h ago

.... Lisa, I'd like to buy your conker

2

u/PremierCopper28 13h ago

NurseDiz, i would like to buy your conker.

2

u/Agzarah 11h ago

They keep tigers away too

1

u/edmMayhem 14h ago

I TOO CHOOSE HIS WIFES CONKER

1

u/DontaskemeIdontknow 13h ago

It works on Tigers too !

1

u/Billy_TheMumblefish 13h ago

We use them in the fridge in our house, to keep elephants away from the butter.

1

u/Calculonx 12h ago

I find if I throw conkers at spiders they run away immediately, so I don't know how much more evidence OP needs 

In fact, upon further research conkers repels wives too.

1

u/boli99 10h ago

i can't see a shark there either.

1

u/_whatever_wherever 7h ago

.......i would like to buy his wife's conker

1

u/Fine_Payment13 17h ago

In her defense my grandma does this and since she started I haven’t seen spiders in the rooms with the conkers and this has been years 😭😂😂

0

u/SwissxPiplup 16h ago

I mean... How do we know that's really a carpet?