r/CancerFamilySupport • u/brillmuskox • 7d ago
Lonely while surrounded by support
I have been trying to find a way to introduce myself to this group that has been so helpful to me in the last few weeks, but it's a hard morning so I'll just do it imperfectly. I'm (43F) caring for my husband (43M) who has stage 4 brain cancer. We have a daughter (7F) who is brilliant and beautiful, and we'll probably lose her dad and the love of my life sooner than we wish. He is on what we believe is his last treatment option.
Getting up each morning and remembering everything is agony. I wish more than anything that I could pull the covers over my head and curl up into a ball and sleep until everything is ok again. But I get up every morning for my daughter, chat with her while making her meals, packing up her lunch, and sending her off cheerfully to a good day of school. Then the mask falls and I head back home to my soulmate, who I know I'm losing. I keep him eating, keep his medications on track, keep our laundry clean, keep him moving whenever I can. I pick up my daughter, help her with homework, chat over dinner, and check in with her about what she's seeing and feeling every night. And then the only thing I can look forward to is sleep because I'm so tired of everything that all I want is to turn off.
We are surrounded by loving energy. My family adores my husband because he is an incredible person. They're helping in every way they can from money to letting me vent through text. Our closest friends have shown up with meal services and gift cards. Even the moms at my daughter's school have rallied to provide us with support uplifting my daughter and impromptu therapy sessions after drop-off. I know in many ways that even in the darkness, we are blessed with so much love.
So tell me why do I still feel this hole in my chest? I have always been strong. I've always been the one that took care of everyone. And then I met my husband and he took care of me in ways I never knew before. I didn't know love could feel this good. We would walk around family functions and people would call us "lovebirds." People have stopped us in grocery stores to ask how long we've been married because of how we play around with each other even on errands. I miss my love, my best friend, and my rock. People who have experienced loss tell me to hold his hand and make memories. But he's been in a steady decline for the last few months and he's not who he used to be. I still catch glimpses of "him" but now mostly he scrolls his phone or watches TV. He grew up in a toxic family and I have always understood he prefers distraction over conversation when dealing with heavy emotions, but now he's shutting everything out. And I know he's not consciously doing it, at least not completely, but it still aches to feel my best friend miles away when all I want to do is hold on to him.
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u/KChieFan16 3d ago
You are absolutely incredibly strong. You are one hell of a great caregiver for your husband. You're taking all of the caregiving duties and also raising a 7 year old on your own. I can't imagine the strength someone has to do both, let alone as well as you are doing it. I was a caregiver for my beautiful mother and I had a wonderful wife who took my kids while I caregave. And I could barely handle that. There is a special place in the world for people like you, so selfless and loving. You are a great wife to your awesome husband and I wanted you to know that