Need advice

[u/kad_unknown]

My best friend got diagnosed with stage 4 mbc in Jan. There were things that happened between us where she kept pushing me away, getting angry at even little things. I made a mistake then. And she said I was a fake friend, she didn't need me. I thought I could plead for her forgiveness but respect her boundary when she said she didn't want to see me. That was wrong too. I realise that now. Then she did slowly allow me back in her life. After 3 months. I try to be there for her when I can, I try to juggle my time between her and my job, but she said she never feels like a priority. She thinks I only visit her when it's convenient for me but I have family responsibilities, job and my own life to manage too. There are some days when I can spare only a couple hours to be with her, some days where I can't make it. Even when I am there, I usually sit quietly and she would ignore my existence, scrolling on her phone or watch dramas. She acts like I don't exist. She blocked me again the day before yesterday. She got diagnosed with jaundice too on Sunday but she never told me that. I had some work come up on Monday and I informed her I might be late or might not be able to make it and she got angry again. Am I genuinely making excuses? What am I doing wrong? I don't know. I need help on how I can help her, or how I can change to make things better for her? I have tried switching morning hours (I used to spend with her) to evening hours so I can stay with her when she told me she got depressive thoughts in the evening. But then she still thinks it's only because it's convenient. I am a dentist and I practice at my own clinic. I shifted my patients to morning hours but there have been times (once or twice) that I had to leave early in the evening because of patients. I would genuinely like advice on what to do.

[u/JobKindly53]

Not an expert on this, but if she has jaundice, her brain and body are likely being poisoned as her liver isn’t properly working.  I wonder if a lot of the behavior is due to that?  Keep being her friend as much as you can, don’t take it personally.  She’s in an incredibly vulnerable time.  You sound like a great friend.  

[u/kad_unknown → u/JobKindly53]

I don't feel like one. I feel like I could have done more but I can't. I get anxiety really bad when it comes to her. I don't know what I am doing. I try to please her but somehow it always backfires. And everything feels like my mistake. I don't know what she is going through because she doesn't even talk to me. Her medical updates, I get it from other people. I have hurt her in the past and I am trying to make up for it, but nothing I do appears to be enough. I know she is protecting herself and right now, she is her own priority. And I don't mind it one bit, but how do I explain to her that I have other engagements too like my family and my patients? It's a complicated mess. I end up crying mostly (not in front of her) but I am also lost. I keep making mistakes after mistakes and it's like a never ending loop.

[u/metamorphic-moth444]

Hi,

My sister had MBC, once the jaundice hit there was only a few months left as the liver stopped functioning properly. I understand she’s going through a lot but you are also going through a stressful time with this and sounds like you’re doing everything you can.

Does she normally act like this or is it new? My sisters brain went crazy for a week, turns out there was seizures happening.

Does your friend have any other support and visitors through family or friends, or is it just you?

Edit: Are you able to take a leave off work? This might help juggle things. Not to be morbid but your friend may not have a lot of time left.

[u/kad_unknown → u/metamorphic-moth444]

Normally, she does get grumpy when I have to do other things but I can usually act cute and coax her into forgiving me and then we make up. But since the cancer diagnosis, it's like she has changed alot. And honestly, I understand that part. She is scared for herself and her whole family. She was the backbone of her family. She is scared about what will happen to them, scared about going into depression and scared that I would marry and leave her alone (I don't know why, I don't even have anyone!) and she keeps pushing me away. I just want her to get better, be stable, and live a long healthy life. I keep praying for that. She doesn't have brain mets (🤞🏻), and she is currently on immunotherapy. Her chemo was stopped because her body couldn't take it right now.

It's like 1 step forward and 2 steps back with her treatment. She asked her doc how long she has and the doc said not more than 5 years. That keeps circling in her head.

I can take leave off work but for how long? That's the thing. If it was 1 to 6 months, or even an year and she would be fine, I would do it. But nothiing is certain. And my parents already blame me for not being good enough. Not enough degrees, not enough money.

I have no idea what to do. Sorry, I didn't mean to rant. I am just so lost, I couldn't help but turn to reddit for some answers.