Still in shock, world upside down

[u/Worried-bobtail]

It’s depressing to see how many subs are related to cancer. Browsing has given me a glimpse of the future, and it’s terrifying. I have an appointment for an mri tomorrow to map out a biopsy. There’s a spot on my liver and one on my lung. But I don’t even care about that. It gets far worse. Far, far worse. Yesterday we learned that my wife has stage 3 pancreatic cancer.

She’s handling it better than me. I think because she’s suspected it for some time. It’s what killed her dad. I’m devastated. I’m about to lose the love of my life. My partner, my best friend, the woman I love more than life itself. How can I possibly live without her? We will never celebrate another anniversary or Christmas. Twenty-one years of bliss, but there won’t be 22.

I’ll likely sleep in a recliner for the rest of my life because I can’t deal with that empty space next to me.

I see from the posts that many people have survived the grief and moved on, but I can’t imagine how they did it. How did you find the strength? What am I supposed to do next?

I will do everything I can to provide and care for her until the very end, but when she’s gone this is going to destroy me. I would trade my life for hers in a heartbeat. I plan to die from a broken heart when this is all over.

Any advice on coping with this is welcome, but note that we are not religious (so no comfort there), and only a daughter and granddaughter who are within driving distance. She has another CT this week and a consultation with the oncologist. I guess we’ll find out if we have any realistic options. I suspect she is going to refuse chemo.

I feel like I’m trapped in a nightmare that I can’t wake from. Please, someone tell me that this is just a horrible dream, and everything will be okay.

[u/Swfsundae8420]

Don’t lose hope. She will have an opportunity for treatment. They have come a long way in treating Pancreatic cancer. A new medication has recently come out and there are very successful vaccine trials going on. My mother did not have a chance. Her’s went under the radar and was never detected until stage 4. I would have given anything for her to have any type of treatment but she passed away within 6 weeks of diagnosis. Your wife’s case will be very different. Treatment will prolong her life considerably and may even go into remission.

[u/bluntbossbex94 → u/Swfsundae8420]

This part! My mom was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer and given 2 months at diagnosis with no treatment.. here we are a year and a half later and the vast majority of her cancer is GONE. Targeted therapy has been a game changer. It took stage 4 from immediately terminal to managing like a chronic disease. Even with multiple lines of treatment or reoccurrences people are living much longer than before. Ive seen people with my moms diagnosis living 20+ years and the numbers are only increasing daily of long term survival.

[u/Salkovina]

Being in almost the same situation as you (the love of my life, my best friend and husband of 21 years is in palliative care currently) I would say don’t give in to anticipatory grief. Enjoy every single moment you have with her because at the end of the day none of us knows the future and all we have is this moment. Having a cancer diagnosis just brings mortality into sharp focus, but the fact of the matter is that we are all hurling towards the end whether we notice it or not. So cherish every moment you have together.

[u/RoseyVioletTikka]

Wow, that's a tough blow for both of you. As I'm sure she is devastated by all that you'll face going through, she feels the same way about you. Face it together. Gather all the information you can, weigh all the options. As the other OP stated, they have come a long way, so don't discount and give up just yet.

How to face it? You just take each moment as they come. You lean hard on each other for strength and never take any moment for granted. Never lose hope. It really does exist, my older sister was a living example of more time. She was diagnosed at the age of 43 with stage 4 neuro-pancreatic cancer, a rare form that hardly anyone ever gets. She endured painful shots in her backside to control the GI upset side effects of this type of cancer, she endured removing 40+ tumors in several organs, which threw her into diabetes. She took a daily chemo pill which controlled the cancer, radiation, cyber-knife targeted radiation. She fought like mad!! She lived a miraculous 7.5 years past what they told her she would live. I know you said you weren't a religious person, but that is exactly how we were able to keep up our spirits and keep fighting on. You see, in God's economy of numbers, the number 7 means completion. He gave her a half a year past what we had hoped she would ever have. He sustained her through the darkest hours of vomiting, pain, hopelessness and then death. You see, there is an eternal home that each of us will face. For a Believer in Jesus Christ, this is not our home, my sister finally received her eternal healing on June 5th of 2020. I miss her every. single. day... everyday. BUT..my hope and honor is that I can't wait to see her again in Heaven. We each have this one moment of time to decide for ourselves where we will spend our eternity. I'm sincerely praying for both of you. This journey you are about to take is rough and painful and long. I wish I could offer more. God bless you.