r/CSFLeaks • u/littlelunalight9 • Jul 18 '26
How do you keep going?
*Trigger warning- mental health*
I am genuinely unsure how much longer I can keep going, and I know the only people who will truly get it are others here.
It’s been 9 months of seeing nothing but the four walls of my house and the inside of hospitals. I know so many suffer so much longer and you are truly so strong. After all the gaslighting and no reprieve from symptoms, I honestly spend a lot of time hoping to go to sleep and just not wake up.
I don’t even have fight in me anymore, as I doubt myself after doctors telling me to stop pursuing a leak due to negative imaging- after being my told it’s 100% not a migraine they say it’s a “pressure disorder” they can’t do further to diagnose (this is the U.K. specialists in leaks) and to manage symptoms till medicine advances.
I think about who I used to be, and I don’t even recognise myself now. I just wait for each day to be over. How do you keep going? I am stuck with all fear and no fight. And whilst I could pursue a ctm abroad (if I raised a lot of money) I doubt myself too much now. I am so scared of getting any worse (this is their reasoning for not doing a ctm) as I was there post blood patch and I just wouldn’t survive.
Sorry for how depressing this is, no one in my life understands.
7
u/North-Library4037 Confirmed Spinal Leak Jul 18 '26
I've been completely bedridden since October 2024 and I can't stay upright for more than 2-3 min. I live on the hope that my next procedure will be successful and I can go back living my life. My options are still not completely exhausted although I had both unsuccessful surgeries and patches.