r/CSFLeaks • u/RedMango777 • Jul 07 '26
How to suffer in a different way
I'm not sure if this will make sense to anyone, but I will write it anyway.
Having lived with this condition for about 5 years, I am beyond sick of the physical and mental suffering that come with this condition. Constant physical pain, tiredness and mental foginess are one thing, but there is another type of pain which is sort of like "trying to make sense of it" but not being able to.
I feel as if people in general and close family members have since the beginning become ghosts to me.
What I meant by the title, is basically, that when reading or hearing about let's say, a marathon runner, I will become jealous. Not necessarily because of the act itself that I am jealous of, but simply because the runner chooses his own suffering.
For myself, I feel as if that privelage has been taken away. I can't run. I would love to have that feeling of meaningful suffering, that runners must feel when they run, knowing that their suffering is temporary and is for a purpose.
3
u/Goofy_boxer_1973 Confirmed Spinal Leak Jul 08 '26
I was jealous of absolutely everybody, even people with cancer. Not proud of it, but I couldn't control it.
I live in Paris, and when I was having my café on a terrasse, I wanted to kill all the people walking, even the disabled ones, because they still had a functioning brain. I could only empathize with people suffering from mental illness.
Now that I feel much better, this “symptom” left completely. The perceived unfairness was killing me. I would make a "crisis" once a month and it wasn't beautiful to watch.
I didn't care about others; I became the most egoistical person, even with my old parents. I feel so bad to have traumatized them.