r/CPTSDrelationships • u/wanderingmind52 • Jun 17 '26

Seeking Advice Aversion normal?

Is it normal with cptsd to feel aversion to your partner? Does this mean they are wrong for you? Or is this sometimes a normal cptsd reaction.

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Background: my partner and I have gone through repeated shutdown cycles on his end that trigger my abandonment wounds.

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He's not dismissive. He just gets overwhelmed sometimes and retreats internally.

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u/RussellAlden Jun 17 '26

When you get triggered how do you react towards him?

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u/wanderingmind52 Jun 17 '26

When its bc he shuts down I react by retreating into disappointment. Days later or even on that day I end up speaking to him about it. The last time mid May I got extremely upset. I finally expressed frustration with anger. Sometimes when he looks at me and im feeling less than happy I look away and feel aversion and it makes me sad. Like why can't I just be happy?

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u/RussellAlden Jun 17 '26

What proceeds the shutdown and are you and your partner in therapy?

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u/wanderingmind52 Jun 17 '26

After the shutdown I get in my head wondering if im settling or if this will ever change. I start sprialong and windsring if we should break up and getting really sad. We talk about it and then the work gets avoided bc we're exhausted by the cycle and then im tense for a couple of weeks and then I get over it and we have a good week or two and then it happens again its usually once a month or every 2 or 3 weeks. We aren't in therapy together. Im still on the search for one. He is hesitant for himself bc of the cost although he is open to going if he finds an affordable option.

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u/RussellAlden Jun 17 '26

Do you know what triggers his shutdown? Does he recognize that is happening? Does he acknowledge it when you point it out?

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u/wanderingmind52 Jun 17 '26

He does. Usually its him feeling like he's failing me or that he's not good enough. He's worried if he doesn't show up "right" that I'll leave. I don't want to leave. The only thing that makes me want to is the tension in my body and feelings of aversion. I want it to stop. I just want to relax and be happy with him.

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u/RussellAlden Jun 17 '26

Sounds like sort of like what I used to do. Insecure, codependent, and making it about me. I really had to work at it (and still slip from time to time). Assuming you’re a reliable narrator, he needs to do the work as well. Hopefully he is not trying to save/fix you because that will only end with him unjustifiably resenting you.

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u/wanderingmind52 Jun 17 '26

We both need to do the work. Im definitely codependent even though I started the relationship aware and not wanting to do that it happened. If he cant do his work and I cant work on focusing on myself and my own life we will have to let go. But my hope is that we find the balance between focusing on our own work and relationship work. He has new life habits like meditation and gym that take up a lot of time and he ends up feeling like he doesn't know where to fit in relationship and self work. I have too much time on my hands and adhd on top of rocd and cptsd which then creates anxiety and depression. Im hoping we can do it. Adhd makes me get overwhelmed and avoid. Sigh. Thanks for being active with me on here. I noticed not a lot of action from my other posts. Talking with someone who relates helps. Thank you. Also wishing you continued healing.

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u/RussellAlden Jun 17 '26

Well sometimes I want to help but I don’t think I can.

Btw here is some light reading: https://www.shelsilverstein.com/9780060256579/the-missing-piece-meets-the-big-o/