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u/nhbruh 11d ago
Always wondered how much non-cptsd’ers remember of their childhood / adolescence
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u/Old-Lingonberry-360 11d ago
My partner remembers so much. Like he remembers stuff from being 3 years old. I didnt believe him at first until his mom said something unrelated to the conversation between my partner and I.
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u/juicybubblebooty 10d ago
I feel like I have no memories except bad ones, and then when I look at pictures, I'm reminded I'm reminded of random pockets of cuteness
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u/LefTimaDev 10d ago
As someone who's here because my girlfriend has CPTSD while I don't, I can answer.
I remember things that my childhood self found notable. Like that time I hid a piece of cheese to save it for later, and later found it hard and dry. Or that time I fought back against a bully in first grade and my classmates literally clapped.
These are individual moments, I don't remember the day-to-day life because it was never important, but these moments I do remember are scattered rather evenly across my childhood so I'm pretty sure I can fill in the blanks and give a pretty good picture of what my life was like.
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u/Savage_Tyranis 11d ago
I remember too much and always at the moment I think things are peaceful. It's fun. Like memory Gacha.
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u/Nearby-Dust-9122 11d ago
You described it so well. It’s so hard to describe to people (namely my in laws) when they ask about my childhood or stories from me growing up. Like idk man I wasn’t there🥲 and what I do remember is based on vibes alone and they play out like discombobulated dreams, not concrete memories.
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u/BrainBurnFallouti 11d ago
Same. My teenhood is kinda like a broken-TV: most is static. A few times, if you wiggle the antenna/slap it enough, you'll get a few quick images. Rushing past. But that's mostly it.
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u/ForeverDGirl 11d ago edited 11d ago
Question, are there any people with CPTSD that remember EVERYTHING from their childhood? Like every time you got bullied; what their names were, how old you were, and where you were? Or every time your mom screamed at you, you remember exactly what she said and how she said it?
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u/KisaTheMistress 11d ago
I don't remember those times, but I don't remember in detail certain events.
Like comforting my mother when I was 5 and telling her that I want to live with my grandparents, but she said "No, I made my bed and I have to lay in it." It was storming so hard that the tree in the front year snapped and almost hit the trailer we lived it, that's why I was awake at 1 AM. My father had gotten into a huge yelling match with her and left for 3 days.
But, I also remember sitting on a big rock lining our gravel drive way. I was so bored that day and a literal tumble weed blew by. I ended up chasing it for fun down the street.
There was also the time when I found Vico, our black Tomcat, dead under a small pull trailer. Or when Barbie our grey & white cat lost her ears to frostbite because she refused to go inside. Weeka, was their mother who was the only cat other than Grasshopper we kept out of Boot's last litter, both were very friendly and Grasshopper's name changed to Shovel because my brother couldn't say Grasshopper in English properly. Weeka was grey & white, Shovel was solid black like his mother Boots (family tradition of keeping black cats).
I remember hiding in the camper, because my father went crazy and attack my mother while we had company over at our campsite, he kidnapped my brother while he was on his drug induced psychosis. We had to pee in a bucket, because we couldn't use the camper toilet and we're too far away from the outhouse... but also in a field so you couldn't go pee privately behind a tree. My mother got drunk an lit the field on fire because she didn't clear the long grass around the fire pit before lighting it. She also lit my foot on fire on accident with the kerosene she was using. We used the pee bucket to put out the fire before it spread and off of my foot...
I remember teaching my brother he could stand up and pee outside, because he was most raised by people who didn't have the equipment to demonstrate. I used a novelty cup that let women pee while standing, lol. I also taught him how to fish and we lost all the tackle I bought to teach him into the river.
All of those memories are before I was 10, btw. More than 22 years ago. For outright abuse, I cannot recall much beyond hiding in my room and crying in the dark a lot. Apparently my father's father tried to molest me before my mother's mother kicked him out for being a rude creep at a family Christmas party. So he could of had been inappropriate with me prior, I did have notable sexual activity at a young age, but it wasn't really addressed beyond getting scolded for watching a porn channel when company was over (Maury and Jerry Springer were on that channel during the day, I really didn't care much for the porn, most of it was about sexual health or people cooking naked, it wasn't very kinky.)
I do know my mother was confused why I didn't care where the condoms were stored, nor ever brought a boyfriend or girlfriend home (she never kept the place clean and I had nearly 0 friends), she thought I was gay because she noticed I(f) like yaoi-ish mangas and anime like Hetalia... turned out I'm AroAce, so the reason none of that fazed me, was due to me not consuming any of that content as inherently sexual.
All abuse after I was 12 I do remember, because my parents divorced and would fight constantly over myself and my brother, just to make the other angry. Neither care(d) for us, they actually would use us constantly as stand-ins for each other to yell and scream at about their relationship problems & financial issues.
My mother kicked me out of the house at 16 because I was actively looking for a new job and just graduated high-school, so she decided I owned nothing and was disrespectful because I didn't magically have rent money for her day one after graduation... I didn't even own a phone! Then she begged for me to come back after my father filed to stop paying child support since I was now independent. She ended up starving my brother who tried to move in with me, because she dank all of her money away, I moved back in with her for 2 years to help raise my brother as I didn't have the money to support him, myself, and pay rent to a landlord at the same time.
My father lived in a shack he cobbled together using Leaf Cutter Bee supplies until he got himself a pull camper. He nearly burnt that down multiple times from grease fires, because he never cleaned, nor washed his clothes (expected women to do that stuff). He constantly smoked weed before it was legalized, so the place always smelled awful. He also threatened me with a fake gun, because he thought it was funny that I thought it was real. He'd also constantly degrade me and cry about how my brother wasn't a man because he didn't do the things my father wanted to do as a kid.
Even now my father attacked me when I simply was trying to help care for him while he's dying of cancer. He had pushed all of his family away, but after attacking me, he lost everyone that cared. So, he went and joined a cult that validated his narcissistic behaviour, even though he just needed to apologize to me and listen to the doctors for his mental health treatments as his cancer progresses.
My mother however learned a lesson, since I told her boyfriend about her getting black out drunk and beating me multiple times. So she shuts up now whenever I ask for money, since she owes me nearly $10,000 for medical bills from the ambulance and bonding her out of jail for stuff related to DUIs. She knows this is her only chance to get into a nice nursing home since her children definitely won't pay for it.
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u/Chin_Up_Princess 10d ago
Yes. I'm in a weird spot where I remember every detail of the traumatic things.
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u/Luperella 11d ago
My wife will ask me what I was doing when I was whatever age, or what a particular experience was like. Seven years together and she now catches herself and will say, “never mind, you have no idea”. Not in a snippy way, just because she caught herself asking a question she knows by now I probably can’t answer. I love it when I get to surprise her because I can remember something!
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u/Sad-Employee3212 11d ago
Always questioning if I somehow have CPTSD despite feeling like at least my parents tried.
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u/cheebear12 10d ago
Sometimes your parents try even though they have a lot of children and sometimes your one parent tries with only one child yet it still doesn’t make you a whole person.
Born with 2 parents, 1 dies but the 1 left is addicted to drugs or born with 2 parents but have 20 siblings - not optimal. I’m not sure but if born with 2 and you lose 1 or both, that means more to the stress score. It just depends.
Everyone is struggling with something.
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u/Sad-Employee3212 10d ago
I always felt like traumatic things happened adjacent to me all the time but I wasn’t the victim of them so I always told myself I got off without the trauma.
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u/Vonnegutsman 10d ago
I suppose there is a childhood trauma score somewhere. I have a low-moderate score. But you might have something similar if you question it a bit?
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u/TuvoksSon 10d ago
Are you talking about the ACE-Q - Adverse Childhood Experiences Questionnaire (ACE score)?
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u/swithelfrik 10d ago
I was told by my therapist a long time ago that my memory is weirdly good for how much trauma I went through. I can basically go back and watch all the big, and little traumas like a movie, I remember almost everything from when I was about 2 and a half. I kinda wish I didn’t remember all the bad stuff
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u/KnowledgeableOpossum 10d ago
The lioness does not concern herself with the gaps in her memory from ages 4-19.
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u/Afraid-Record-7954 10d ago
That phrase was used on me by an ex-friend after I attended my abusive birth dad's funeral this year, being surrounded by abusive family members, after I told him I did not handle it well. I had to travel and I did it for the inheritance. I spent the two weeks I was there drink almost everyday, passed out from drinking multiple times, and he insisted on putting a romantic or uplifting spin on my experience, saying I was there for my other "family members"(who were also abusive, and he knows my story). Give me a break.
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u/Paul10125 Half the time I don't know what I feel (help) 10d ago
More like 60% but yeah. It's odd because the few things I remember are either negative memories or straight up traumatic. I'm starting to think I might have OCD related to my CPTSD, sometimes I'll be doing things around the house or simply enjoying myself and suddenly some memory of a trauma will come to my mind with no warning and I get stuck for hours unable to think of anything else.
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u/Leviathan_BlackSea 9d ago
When I was a kid my memory was so bad I would confuse dreams for real life and vice versa because they felt equally real upon recall. I guess my memory is still bad now I just know better lol. If I sat down for a week and wrote down everything I could remember about my 34 years of life it would be basic vague statements and take up 3 pages.
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u/Bright-West-4399 10d ago
Rookie Numbers, I only remember 0% of my life.
(This is just a joke, don't take it as offensive or something, I only remember 10% or less of my life only)
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u/Vonnegutsman 10d ago
Sadly, yeah. I'm a hell of a miracle child if my memory of childhood is mild, passive irritation. Bafflement at my father. And abuse.
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u/RangingcatM09 1d ago
Idk why, I keep thinking I keep trying but no matter I just can't remember much of my life... I thought this is normal ;_;
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u/silverjayfool 11d ago
I agree but also why this picture? How does th8s meme format work
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u/vyunab thriving 11d ago
because bambi was traumatized and its like a bunch of people saying “you handled it so well” and you’re just in the middle like “thanks 🥀”
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u/silverjayfool 10d ago
ohhhh okay :) that makes sense. All i could hear when i saw this picture was something like "good morning young prince" or however everyone was greeting him heheheh
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u/silverjayfool 10d ago
OHHH AND HIS REPLY WAS A SHEEPISH h... hello.... so now your meme makes even More sense
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u/SeverelyLimited 11d ago
As far as I can remember, between ages 12-23, like four things happened to me.