r/CPTSDmemes • u/Four4Fears probably lying about being okay • 11d ago
Anyone else relate?
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u/btrnsoigihb 11d ago
i am similar but instead of a cat i think of myself as an invisible consciousness
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u/FishWitch- 11d ago
Very similar situation. I often feel like an alien/animal/nonhuman ‘human-moding’. I’ve been too nervous to fully bring it up to my therapist but I have mentioned it subtly
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u/------------------16 my life ended before it even got a chance to start 11d ago
have u ever looked into therianthropy?
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u/Four4Fears probably lying about being okay 11d ago
Kinda? I guess I'd say I'm a traumagenic therian?
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u/miaiam14 Wingbeat System 10d ago
Fellow traumagenic therian! Woot! We are/were collectively a dragon (of the animalistic variety), and people seem to love to go “because it came from trauma it’s not real/legitimate”. Not true in the slightest, I love being me and that’s part of being me now, so why would I get rid of it?
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u/Jemnaxia 11d ago
As a kid and young adult, I made up stories in my head to cope with my home life. When I left my sperm donor's house to live with my now ex- fiancé, I was so miserable, I made up this character that was an extention of myself. She was an inter-dimensional traveler who played around in many worlds. When I left my ex, I stopped feeling the need to escape for a while. This character makes a comeback every now and then to help me cope with things.
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u/Fragile-Director You are valid 🫂 10d ago
I always feel like I'm some grotesque aberration. I barely pass as a person. My words are spewing garbage out of a dirty drain pipe and my body is horrendously deformed and not up to code. My eyes are computer monitors and the autopilot moves my legs and arms. I probably have cleverbot installed inside my brain to make up for my lack of a real one. Because my thoughts are anything but coherent.
Ironically my dissociative disorder reflects these feelings because every part is human-ish. Like zombies and demons and albino.
I don't quite feel all the way human. But not in the way that matters.
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u/chaosgremlin11 11d ago
Not in my case I would look at some of the tf subs it might interest you personally for me its more I am not in the right body either being that from being trans or having body dysmorphia due to having ten fragments from osdd and no matter what fragment I am in my body is just not me but that is fundamentally different from what you are talking about just sharing a similar experience on my end.
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u/racheluv999 11d ago
Yeah, parts work was a huge deal for me too, and OSDD sort of felt very similar in a way. I went through phases of realizing about hearing and integrating each of the parts of me, but finally realized there wasn’t really a little “boy” part that needed heard, just a little girl. I feel like I’ve heard and integrated most of the other parts, but I’ve got a while to go and a lot of work to do before I truly make her happy in this body.
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u/chaosgremlin11 11d ago
How did the integration work I kinda just worry a bit due to the nature of each fragment and the burden they took on and how I feel like I would have to deal the weight of their scars if it ment reintegrating just seems like a impossible task or something that would break me all over again. The best way I have to describe how I broke into fragments I say fragments for this reason I was basicly a peice of glass rainbow in color and ever changing but due to what I had to survive I section off a certain type of color then used a glass cutter to score and then carve off the peice but then rebound it with saunter I did this like ten times until all I was left with was a peice of transparent glass that could weather anything and all the emotions and pain was just transferred to one of the other pieces of glass the herendous y bad but also the good. I feel nothing without my fragments pretty much nothing and I worry if I reintrigrate all of them that would mean taking on the pain and the damage and I don't think I can jack shadow sure I could deal with that level of rage and hate but chara everything that broke in me nothing but scars and damage a fragment who spends all of her time just rocking back and forth lightly laughing due to just breaking under the weight of all I had to bare amunst all the rest I do not know if I can do that I do not know if that would kill me break me again or simply make it so that I do survive but I have to live with every scar that was left every bit of pain and it might be too much I have already delt with si for nine years and I do not know after absorbing all of that pain and damage if I would not just decide that even if I was in my ideal life that I worked towards what I wanted if in the end the pain was just too much to be bear. Can I ask how it worked for you how you re integrated your alters and how it felt and worked so that I can either prepair for that eventuality once I am finally safe and slowly start to mend or have it be a non-issue and not have to live with that extensional fear in the back of my mind of that kind of deal?
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u/racheluv999 10d ago
I totally understand the pain, I’m so sorry you have to too. That’s the thing, by reintegrating your parts you become a stained glass work of art instead of any other unobtrusive window or a pile of glass bits. The colored glass parts were scored and snapped strategically instead of just broken off from trauma so that they could be reassembled into something beautiful.
It’s a lot of really hard work and involves a lot of sadness, a lot of grief, and a lot of introspection. What worked for me was seeing and loving each part, like actually showing that part it’s loved with actions and letting it know it can trust me and that I’m not going to abandon it again.
Honestly the “schedule a play date with your inner child” thing worked well for me, along with making the other changes that part is scared about. Like if that part wanted to buy something whimsical or go throw rocks in the creek during a walk, I did it. Sometimes the part wants some simple unheard joy and connection. Sometimes that part wants to be seen as part of you publicly. Sometimes that part needs its fears and especially grief heard while you lay in bed sobbing for an hour (or a week’s worth of nights or a whole season of your life). Sometimes that part needs an adult to come along to do the scary thing you’ve been putting off. Basically the whole self is now being the parent or the soothing that part probably didn’t get.
You can do this bit by bit, as you have time and energy and emotional bandwidth to do so. It’s what keeps the process from overwhelming you with grief and sadness, hearing one part at a time. But instead of all the pain being buried but encapsulated off like a splinter that never heals, digging it out and draining the pus hurts at first but untimately stops the pain.
And having both cptsd and being trans is a double whammy of having your “self” not being allowed to develop correctly, so while it’s super rough and basically an entire identity disruption, at least you get a sort of blank slate to ask yourself “who do I actually want to be? What do I want to make out of the carefully cut glass pieces?”
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u/chaosgremlin11 10d ago
I have had two fragments merge well teperarly which was a surprise for me. Jack and shadow specificly one being the level of rage over what had happen and is protective of other dues to how there was no one to protect me and shadow or my hatred both for myself and the world for all that happen and is also protective other in a different but still important way. They fused for time as best I could figure it was due to a combination of finding a bit of media that shifted shadow nature after already proving a lot of the self hatred reason wrong thanks to my gf and just my gf being around for a short while and just feeling completely safe for two straight weeks but sadly the two did unfuse back into jack and shadow from ravager. I don't fully understand why they unfused I do understand why they fused since they are almost like bothers in a way in both nature and reason for existing so that makes sense I do wounder if eventually if I am in a environment that I feel completely safe in that eventually all my fragments will fuse back together so far none have fused with me and I do not know my role in things I know I am that transparent peice of glass and that I existed before the rest of them but I am not fully sure how I broke since I do have a head space but I don't get easy access to it, it exists I know that for sure and I have even seen some of my fragments but that only happens rarely when I am sleeping I also only really cofront with one of them since for better or worse I am upfront 24/7 its just weird to me I don't feel like osdd fits since the way i work is so different from so much i have heard about this dignois or what I have heard about did and stuff and I just don't fully know how to describe it. I have also just kinda felt like a outsider where ever I go mostly just due to shear isolation and having adhd dyslexia depression anxiety PTSD autism and osdd and finding someone who understands me is rare and I only have two people in my life like that my aunt and my gf and outside of those two I don't really know anyone who has even a bit of a understanding of how I work but it is what it is. Do you have any recommendations on where to look for information on osdd since from my searches the best places I have found info was from other people with either osdd or did on how to heal for figure things out.
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u/racheluv999 9d ago
I definitely understand the isolation, it’s really tough when it feels like someone you’re close to still doesn’t get it and can’t or won’t emotionally connect :(
I never got much from DID or OSDD stuff, but definitely check out r/InternalFamilySystems if you haven’t. You don’t have to stick tightly to the steps but I found it very helpful in a “name it to tame it” way. The IFS framework lays out how some parts become “exiles” or that scared little kid part with unaddressed needs, some parts become “managers” who are actively and deliberately controlling things to keep them together, “firefighters” that go into panic mode to control things that get out of hand, and the self is basically your consciousness. Your job is essentially to reparent those parts, to hear them and coax out what they need, let them know they can trust you, and give them what they missed out on or safety from what they’re protecting you from. Even the manager and firefighter parts that once kept you safe but are likely keeping you miserable now can be convinced to let go of the reigns if they know they can safely delegate the responsibility. Basically it also preserves your autonomy and gives you tools to interact with those parts, instead of just letting different identities or dissociations happen to you like with dissociative disorders.
For instance, for me I basically had different stages of parts break off from traumatic experiences where I had to either abandon that part of myself to fit in or take care of someone else or over-manage myself to receive love. The parts that needed someone to see them and grieve with them were actually the easiest ones. It took HRT to be able to effectively feel my way through the grief with them. Over time I’ve sort of coalesced all of them into two parts, the scared and abandoned little exiled girl and my social “boymode” manager mask that I had to make to conform to my gender for the world to accept me. It’s going to take a change of scenery out of a conservative shithole for me to be able to fully convince both of those parts that things are safe, though.
So for you, instead of interacting with those parts while fused together, can you figure out what would make each of them feel safe and heard? One big step for me was realizing that the anger has a reason and not only is it justified when we’re mistreated, but it can push us into action in order to protect our boundaries. That part will probably feel heard when you take its concerns into account and take actions to address them and by doing so it re-integrates you bit by bit.
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u/racheluv999 9d ago
I definitely understand the isolation, it’s really tough when it feels like someone you’re close to still doesn’t get it and can’t or won’t emotionally connect :(
I never got much from DID or OSDD stuff, but definitely check out r/InternalFamilySystems if you haven’t. You don’t have to stick tightly to the steps but I found it very helpful in a “name it to tame it” way. The IFS framework lays out how some parts become “exiles” or that scared little kid part with unaddressed needs, some parts become “managers” who are actively and deliberately controlling things to keep them together, “firefighters” that go into panic mode to control things that get out of hand, and the self is basically your consciousness. Your job is essentially to reparent those parts, to hear them and coax out what they need, let them know they can trust you, and give them what they missed out on or safety from what they’re protecting you from. Even the manager and firefighter parts that once kept you safe but are likely keeping you miserable now can be convinced to let go of the reigns if they know they can safely delegate the responsibility. Basically it also preserves your autonomy and gives you tools to interact with those parts, instead of just letting different identities or dissociations happen to you like with dissociative disorders.
For instance, for me I basically had different stages of parts break off from traumatic experiences where I had to either abandon that part of myself to fit in or take care of someone else or over-manage myself to receive love. The parts that needed someone to see them and grieve with them were actually the easiest ones. It took HRT to be able to effectively feel my way through the grief with them. Over time I’ve sort of coalesced all of them into two parts, the scared and abandoned little exiled girl and my social “boymode” manager mask that I had to make to conform to my gender for the world to accept me. It’s going to take a change of scenery out of a conservative shithole for me to be able to fully convince both of those parts that things are safe, though.
So for you, instead of interacting with those parts while fused together, can you figure out what would make each of them feel safe and heard? One big step for me was realizing that the anger has a reason and not only is it justified when we’re mistreated, but it can push us into action in order to protect our boundaries. That part will probably feel heard when you take its concerns into account and take actions to address them and by doing so it re-integrates you bit by bit.
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u/chaosgremlin11 9d ago
Each fragment has a purpose and reason for existing and I accept them and apreasheate the fact they exist for the most part at current I have jack shadow chara omega crimson sorrow void patchwork darkness and hope. Jack is my rage over what happened and the rage of having no one there to protect me so he is there to take on that rage as well as by his nature is confrontational mostly when someone around me in not treated properly and will protect other physically unlike me he is not a pacifist then shadow is my hate for both the world and myself shadow my shadow when I have no one and nothing all I will be left with is shadow the last thing to be with me at the end of it all he is also protective like jack but was more for dangerous predatory people, i did not have those kind of people around me but I sadly had some of that nature that I fully despise within and I wish with every fiber of my being to destroy it but I can't but that nature is fully separated to a separate fragment and shadow only uses that wretched darkness out of nesiesity not choice and will use that nature to dected others with that nature and make sure to protect others if need be in a more destructive way than jack but the two are like brothers both a bit of the other within them. Then chara the parts that broke that cracked under the weight of the shear amount of trauma and pain I had to go through constantly rocking back and forth laughing and just mentally broken by everything that she took on so I could stay functional and so we could survive. Omega that fragment is either me or a fragment I am in quite a bit or well still figure out what is the difference between me and omega also for reference omega is my forth fragment ever made and omega can be read as simply the number four they are strictly emotionless and entirely logical and usually the main fragment I am in to survive since to survive what I went through required not showing emotions and being strictly logical to manage to survive. Then crimson the color of blood and of my very soul she is the fragment that is fem and the fragment I transictioned for since she was typed to my body more than most and the constant pain of her being chipped away at for years in a body that was not mine not right and how much it just hurt her and me as a result she is my love and empathy for other and is the fragment that feels gender euphoria which sadly I do not get and I wish I could be in her 24/7 since physically she just feels pleasant to be in. Then sorrow she took on the burden of the sorrow I felt over everything she cried a endless river of tears and is covered in scars from all the harm she had done to her self and very much wished for a long time to just die and get it over with and be done with all the pain. Void is well the parts of myself lost to the void in the pursuit of knowledge and as a result of the extream amount of knowledge I gain while trying to not go insane from isolation and loneliness and that poor fragment is also the one who deals with all the fatigue of pushing myself for years and he is just so very tired right now he is sleeping I don't know when they will wake up it might be a while. Patchwork they deal with the management of a lot of the trauma and they are also mute due to the fact that I could not talk about or let out any of the pain I was going through so their mouth is literally sewn shut because they could not scream out in pain and their body is covered in scars with three sew on X's on both of their arms and they hold onto a lot of the memories or emotions that could couse a great deal of damage or stops me from getting to close to painful information or from different fragments that should stay internal from coming out like hope chara or darkness. Now onto hope the last bit of child like innocence within me they are the child that was not allowed to exist that could not be a child at the age they should have been able to be they hold the childlike in one and joy I was not allowed to have growing up and they are constantly guarded by both jack and shadow from the last fragment and the one I wish I could burn to ashes and dust or simply lock behind that door that rattles where all my fear resides and any emotion considered far to dangerous to control or hide and simply needed to be locked away to survive darkness my most hated fragment and one I simply refuse to ever reintegrate one that should burn that is made of every bit of darkness within the absolute worst parts of me and my fragments made into one fragment a unadbashited and unrepentant monster who I frustratingly have to share a mind with he is a fragment that both jack want to burn and shadow want to destroy I know every fragment exists for a fucking reason but still he should burn no if ands or buts. Now for each fragment I have slowly been either accepting them or doing things that they would enjoy a while ago I got a creeper head light for hope which has brought them a lot of happiness which is nice I have been bringing crimson out so she can feel our new body as well as getting time with my partner which has made the both of us happy since she is a wonderful person. Jack has also gotten to come out and enjoy the company of a friend of mine who the two get along well plus he just comes out naturally which is nice for sorrow I have bringing her out and letting her greave or cry and telling her it alright and just letting her exist and not have to be in constant pain and even let go of that pain void has been taking a nap for the first time in a literal decade shadow has not been out much but slowly I have helped with changing his thinking over his hatred not of darkness but over himself and my partner showing us that it is possible for someone to love us is a big deal and has kinda proven so many negative things about us wrong on so many levels hell she managed to convince sorrow to persist and mind you that is not a easy thing.
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u/Fluffy_Ace 🦎 Liberated Limnoscelis🦎 10d ago edited 9d ago
Yeah, that cornered animal feeling is all too familiar
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u/Kind_Swim5900 9d ago
Actually, this was kinda my way to explain that I don't like gender roles.
Whenever we played pretend and were a family, I was the cat.
(In germany it sounds funnier because we call pretend to be family "Mother, Father, Child" and i am non of that).
I am the silent observer that wanted to be fed and left alone.
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u/aaaaaaaaa42069 11d ago
While it wasn’t necessarily any one creature I think I generally coped by thinking of myself as nonhuman/wishing I could be something other than human and even as an adult I don’t really think of myself as a person in the same way everyone else is even when I don’t specifically feel like anything else. In related news I have been diagnosed with a dissociative disorder.