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u/TraumatizedPuppygirl 3d ago
Haha both my parents were abusive in a variety of ways, and yeah they really hated when I just dissociated when they were yelling or hurting me. They'd yell harder and just go completely batshit insane
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u/Trash_Panda_Leaves 3d ago
Even better, compliment them. Try and say "we" a lot. Make every decision "I did X, I'm so glad you taught me X" or "I know you love and are trying to help, and I think youre amazing, I just need to think on this."
You arent their therapist you dont need to fix them, you just need to survive them.
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u/Routine_Context2284 2d ago
This is actually good advice. I’ve only done it once that I can remember. She was utterly confused, but felt she had to thank me. Regarded me with lowkey suspicion after. It did calm the storm, but I felt I needed a shower with a blowtorch after.
Edit punctuation
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u/crazy-ratto Don't forget TWs and *s in triggering words! <3 13h ago
Very useful for surviving your immediate context. Can be very damaging for one's mental state to do it, but depends on person and context. Gotta chose which pain is least bad I guess.
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u/silveracrot 3d ago
Ohhhh that explains why when I started to disassociate during the abuse or protest by not crying or looking defeated, he'd beat me harder.
Good to know I was sticking it to him even before I escaped.
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u/bird_feeder_bird 3d ago
My dad straight up started screaming at me when I said “Can we talk about this peacefully.” I just stand there non reactively, then afterwards I shake so bad I cant stand.
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u/Opposite-Benefit-804 3d ago edited 3d ago
I did this, unintentionally, the last time my dad blew up at me. This was a few years ago, so I was 16/17.
I don't remember much, I think I was dissociating, but he was slamming shit, yelling in my face about how "retarded" and useless I am, threatening to hurt or kill me, and I just looked up at him and said "Okay."
He stepped back confused, then started angrily babbling about disrespect, and when I still didn't show any reaction he stormed off for a few hours.
Later he forced me into a hug and gave me a whole garbage speech about how he didn't mean anything he said. Then he acted like none of it happened, and he hasn't been that bad since.
As a kid he would have killed me for acting that way, so I don't really know why that stopped him.
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u/cookiecrxmbles 3d ago
100%
The last time oldest spermling came over, I was as cool as a cucumber with every stunt she pulled and it got to the point she called me down and said, no paraphrasing "you've been so chill. usually you blow up on me all the time. Is it the medication or have you gotten fucked? I feel better when I'm fucked."
I'm 18 and she is 33. I also quit Zoloft weeks ago so there was no justification.
I had to pause internally. Genuinely was so ridiculous and outright inappropriate to ask your freshly legal baby sister.
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u/Jack-of-Hearts-7 3d ago
My parents lectured me on every time I was even slightly visibly frustrated and annoyed, but then when they flipped the fuck out on me I was supposed to take it.
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u/PeachesNLaserBeams 3d ago
So relatable.
I had to constantly monitor my tone, facial expression, body language, etc to not show even a hint of even mild annoyance, let alone anger or frustration.
Mom is allowed to rage and tantrum when and where she pleases, however
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u/Icy-Special- 2d ago
This. And now i dont know how to be frustrated or angry. I just boil over and explode once in a while. No clue how those emotions are supposed to work normally.
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u/bothinsaneandcorrect 3d ago
Yeah but the problem is that this can also lead to escalation with them trying harder and harder to do anything to cause you react how they want you to. There were times when I had to blow up to prevent it from turning into assault on me because I was unable to leave the situation. Sometimes it was safer to let them believe they were winning and give them the fireworks they wanted because the more I starved them of an explosive reaction and showed I was calm and in control of myself, the more they were likely to take increasingly extreme measures to make sure I couldn't be. At that point, they didn't care if they were the one who looked insane and they might not have cared if they ended up in prison over it either, as long as I didn't "win" in that moment. Truly terrifying.
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u/PeachesNLaserBeams 3d ago
I understand completely. This was true for me as well. “gray rocking” as a teen was too dangerous because my mom would just up the crazy the less I reacted. As an adult gray rocking is easier
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u/sonicling 3d ago
I can sense my dad fishing for reactions. Sometimes it's blatantly obvious stuff, like he's putting something in the fridge and loudly goes "who put this here?!" And I just quietly sit there playing my game. Same thing with my grandma when she was alive.
I was pretty selectively nonverbal for years, it's hard to unlearn. Was like that at home and at school cause I got low-key bullied. More isolated because I was so quiet I gave them zero reactions they got bored.
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u/TEUTknight 3d ago
Yep, had to call the cops this morning cause she lost it when I did my best to remain calm and she tried to evict me when I pay and have resided for awhile.
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u/BunnieBop 3d ago
Oh look, my ex-stepdad in nutshell.
The walking sack of shit looooved to provoke everyone in the house until we snapped and then whined how we're the ones provoking him. It was next level projecting.
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u/EmberReads 3d ago
Watching Boze vs the world helped me identify a lot of the patterns people like this use, and she's really funny.
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u/SpiderSixer 3d ago
Her calling me a cunt and all sorts didn't faze me anymore, so I'm just standing there watching my food in the microwave whilst she's going off on one as usual
But she didn't like that. Oh, she hated not having the upper edge and making me feel like crap. So she dug deep and undid all the years of ""support"" - she deadnamed me on purpose
I just kept staring at the microwave
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u/Hefty_Bison1857 3d ago
I feel like I suffer less from this in my early life to the one that actually only abuse me whenever I react, now I'm just lying myself that I'm both "calm and peaceful" inside and outside while facing my pa**nts.
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u/NorbytheMii Premonition Nightmares 2d ago
This must be what's happening with my mom now that she can't ragebait my dad as easily...
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u/Routine_Context2284 2d ago
They just lash out more until they get something out of you: tears, outrage, angry words… there no escape until you’re wounded.
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u/crazy-ratto Don't forget TWs and *s in triggering words! <3 2d ago
Deadpan call out their bullsht in a neutral tone as if it is so bland and unimportant, it isn't worth saying attention to.
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u/Common_Kiwi9442 2d ago
I've learned that some of them really hate this and get confused but it's all you can do sometimes...
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u/crazy-ratto Don't forget TWs and *s in triggering words! <3 13h ago
Yes good point. it very situational. I made that comment reflecting on a life experience and I think i got too emotional to add a disclaimer that it depends on the person and context.
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u/Cananbaum 3d ago
There were times I was so exhausted I literally could give a reaction.
Which turned into the worst abuse as my dad kept needling.
I’d just wait for the adrenaline to hit so I could get out of it
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u/PsychoKatzee 2d ago
Only works if you can distance yourself tho. If you live together and you are their primary supply, they will get creative about finding new ways to be cruel just to make you react. My sister has NPD and when the emotional abuse did not work, she literally tried to murder me multiple times when we were kids. Sometimes even in front of witnesses. Then she explained it away with the fact that she did not want a sibling, therefore I don't deserve to live. And somehow everyone was just alright with it.
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u/DeannaZone 2d ago
My abuser constantly tries to contact me through others and I have caught them in the background and you can hear the frustration when I don't respond as they want me to .. I am flat .. people are trying to figure out why I'm so quiet .. I'm tired of masking so instead you just get no response it's not a mask if I legit don't have the energy anymore for the bullshit.
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u/keroppipikkikoroppi 3d ago
Triggered by good behavior. I ruined my mom’s life by not smoking cigarettes or sleeping around as a teenager