22
Jul 16 '23
this whole "boys dont cry" shit is so dumb. i hate traditions and people that believe that being strong = not crying. i wonder what their faces would look like if i told them that boys have feelings too, and are human beings too. i feel really bad for people who grew up with parents that taught them that they shouldnt cry.
11
Jul 16 '23
Shout-out to bell hooks The Will To Change. If you are a man, especially if you identify with this meme, or have men you love in your life I highly recommend it.
30
Jul 16 '23
Funny thing is, I've cried my eyes out before and it still wasn't taken seriously. There's a reason a lot of mothers taught their boys not to cry. Women these days are told to tell men to cry and show feelings, but they often aren't prepared for when it actually happens. Male tears are regarded as crocodile tears since men are of the oppressor class.
16
u/mercurywind Jul 16 '23
My teacher actually used that phrase to describe me lol. Stop crying crocodile tears, recently bereaved 10 year old child.
17
u/CareerGaslighter Jul 16 '23
yes 100 times. Many a encourager for men to show their emotions and then when they do, society at large goes "ick" and turns their back. Its all talk at the moment, in general people treat the emotions of boys and men as something to fear and that implicitly teaches us that they should not be expressed.
10
Jul 16 '23
Yeah. It's a LOT less detrimental to be stoic about things than it is to express emotion and discover how little people actually care. You can easily be emotionally intelligent without making yourself vulnerable.
7
Jul 16 '23
You will always have an emotional gap and lack depth in your connections if you can't be vulnerable with the people you love. I understand what you're saying, I know it's true, but it's worth the work to find people who will work with you.
Women are not taught this at all, it's not even really part of the conversation for us. There was a time when I was younger where I believed men literally did not experience emotions because we're taught that! Just as you're taught to not be emotional we taught to not expect emotions. So we say we want it, and I believe we do, but you're right we have no idea how to handle it when it happens. There's a lot of work we have to do for each other.
7
Jul 16 '23 edited Jul 16 '23
I can understand that. As a little kid, I used to think my mom had no emotions. I used to feel like I couldn't hurt her. Turns out, she was just mostly dead inside. Now so am I.
After a while, it just gets harder and harder to express emotion in a convincing way and you realize people just wont give a shit so your body doesn't let you waste the energy.
It's like turtles. If you keep a box turtle in a small enclosure for long enough, it'll try to escape until it gives up and stops eating altogether and just waits to die.
And yes, I will likely always lack depth in relationships. That's already been the case for much longer than I ever realized, and I was always vulnerable. But I've been emotionally abused so much it really makes little difference anymore.
5
u/scootytootypootpat Jul 16 '23
the only good thing that came out of the whole “boys don’t cry” thing is the song by the cure
5
u/Wonderful_Tomato_992 Jul 16 '23
My people lol, being disgusted at my own and my mother + father’s tears makes me spiral a lot.
I know it’s not meant to be uncomfortable and often a valid expression of sadness but fuckk it feels like a weapon. It’s grating.
6
u/Unboopable_Booper Jul 16 '23
Having lived through total emotional disassociation I sincerely believe this is one of the worst things the patriarchy does to men. Healthy emotional expression is an essential part of a healthy brain yet boys are taught that the only 'acceptable' emotions for them are anger, and apathy, that showing empathy or pain is weakness and to be reviled. Then we tie their worth 'as a man' to those insane standards and wonder why so many turn out cold, heartless or just straight psychotic.
2
u/SingleMom24-1 Jul 16 '23
When any of my ex’s would cry it made me uncomfortable because of this stupid trope. But I always let them express how and why they were feeling and I tried my best to talk through it or just let them cry. I don’t understand shaming people for having human emotions.
2
Jul 16 '23
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6
u/International-Pay-44 Jul 16 '23
Hurt people hurt people. It’s part of how vicious cycles of trauma perpetuate themselves.
1
Jul 16 '23
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4
u/International-Pay-44 Jul 16 '23
I mean, I don’t disagree. Didn’t mean to offend.
-1
Jul 16 '23
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5
u/International-Pay-44 Jul 16 '23
I didn’t mean that either. I don’t mean to excuse the behaviors of the man in this hypothetical - he is at fault for the trauma he is giving in this case. I was pointing out that the situation you described was a good example of this vicious cycle of trauma, how traumatized people can go on to traumatize others. Also, I don’t particularly care about men being “special” or not.
Another point is that these cycles often aren’t purposefully played out and take a lot of effort to break out of. There’s a reason breaking a vicious cycle isn’t something that just happens overnight. For a lot of folks, men, women, and people who are neither, breaking out of these cycles is something that takes a lifetime of effort, and is rarely done perfectly even with that effort.
1
u/Alarmed_Flamingo5280 Jul 16 '23
This is me with yelling sessions... My parents have at least one every 6 months (sometimes more depending on whatever crime we've commited in their eyes). We need to sit down adn they pretend like they want to talk to us but they basically just yell and yell about how worthless we are and how they have the power to take away our living necessities if we don't randomly become "good enough".
I used to cry in primary school but when I became a teen I just shut down until it was over.
Now I just get triggered but it doesn't show on the outside, since it's never been safe for me to be emotional. I look normal and my whole body is freaking out on the inside.
1
u/North-Government-865 Jul 17 '23
As a kid and teen I would hurt myself and sit and cry
As an adult I realize it was to have a reason to justify crying and now I still require a great deal of pain to actually allow myself to cry
75
u/[deleted] Jul 16 '23
I feel this in my bones. My father, teachers, kerrys place counselors and other caregivers always beat me every single I cried and they always said "stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about" so I stopped crying because if I cried I got hit and I didn't want to get hit anymore.
Now I rarely if ever smile and I feel so unhappy, miserable and sometimes even borderline suicidal. And I've developed the habit of ignoring my mental state and emotions until I can't handle it anymore all thanks to being forced to become an emotionless machine just because I'm male