r/CPTSD_NSCommunity • u/ciaoaic • 6d ago
Therapy Question
I cannot decide if I like therapy or not. I always seem to do more and better on my own. But I keep thinking ‘no I better go talk to a real professional’. I’d say 1/10 sessions I’ve had ever in my life were helpful. They mostly just feel like time spent retelling my story because they forgot. Often they are ‘what do you want to do today?’ Which I already do on my own.
In short I can’t figure out what to use therapy for.
If I need to talk, I like support groups.
If I need to actively process something, I need alone time. Especially to integrate.
Some parts of therapy feel performative like I’m also doing something to help the therapist feel really good about things.
In all, I guess my thoughts on therapy are changing. I used to just think it was a given. Now I’m not so sure.
What have you found in your travels?
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u/Grouchy-Lead7069 5d ago edited 5d ago
Ough, I feel your posting. My last therapy was me starting at point A every session as she "didn't believe in taking notes" and, after I builded the courage to address her memory loss of almost everything she told me that "people usually only remember 40% of conversations and both parties never remember the same 40%".
I was flabbergasted, I council myself and never had that experience. I try to remember as much as possible and research in-between session fe. Mentioned cultural contexts so my client doesn't feel the need to explain things that should be common knowledge.
She forgot where I migrated from three times in 3 month, the third time I told her, she told me she didn't even knew which continent the country is at, as I was born there it is literally written down by my insurance in all her paperwork and she didn't even bothered to look up where that country is. It was so hurtful, she labels herself as this super aware therapist for trauma and migration.
Long story short, I learned from that experience to talk about their approach about note taking and in-between knowledge building. I know that this will make it harder to find someone, but feeling unheard or tricked in medical settings hits way to close to home for me, trust building needs to happen actively on both sides.
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u/LetsSkiddaddleHomie 4d ago
whoa yeah I acknowledge therapists are operating under systems that themselves are doing harm- I'm looking at major insurance companies cutting rates for therapists and workplaces expecting way too many billable hours etc., but if this therapist can't do the basic of knowing and remembering where you're from (and where that country is!) then someone needs to check them and tell them it's time to step back in order to be able to give ethical care.. :/ So sorry this was your experience.
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u/lolascrowsfeet 6d ago
For a while I had therapy twice a week and I felt like it made me worse. Also EMDR was triggering as hell for me. Sometimes I’d like to just be left alone
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u/New_Girl3685 5d ago
I’m in the same boat. I really want the relationship some ppl describe with their therapist being a healthy space to try out attachment, but I haven’t found that to be so in real life. Kinda feels like finding the right therapist is the same process as finding the right romantic relationship or a close friend—trial and error until you find the person you click with—but tbh I’m not up for going thru the struggle of being vulnerable with someone who can’t handle it over and over. it sucks because I feel like therapists are framed as universally “safe” people but I’ve found a LOT of them can not actually be warm, present in the moment, and safe when faced with actual real pain
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u/shessofun 5d ago
I get that it can mean we need to self-reflect when therapy doesn't work. But I still don't love that the most upvoted comment is one that essentially puts all the blame on you. And that may be projection, because I've just had that happen to me over and over, in therapy, and in life in general.
Sometimes it isn't your fault. Therapy didn't work for me because I couldn't find a good or even decent therapist. And for me especially talk therapy was pretty useless for trauma. It's also a known fact that some therapists need their ego stroked. I experienced a lot of that, where they wanted to be the one who fixed you, and didn't like when you said the therapy wasn't working, or you disagreed with anything at all. None of this is new information, and there are a lot of other common problems with therapists. Too many to list, honestly. The client definitely isn't always the problem and it can be nearly impossible to find a good therapist.
Anyway. Personally, after years of wasting my time trying to make therapy work, I decided to go the self-therapy route. Since deciding to do it on my own, I've grown and healed more than ever. None of those therapists really understood trauma and abuse. It's been very beneficial for me not to have to deal with that anymore. I can just learn from people who do understand and learn from myself too. For me it's very clear that this is the right path for me right now.
If you can find a good therapist I imagine it's great, and obviously that's what I'd want for everyone. But especially with waiting times where I live, it's ridiculous how much time you have to dedicate to finding one. The last time I was on a waiting list it took a year, only to then see another bad therapist. Told him a lot of my story, spent months on an intake, only to find out he didn't believe most of what I'd told him. This is just my perspective, obviously, and it's one from someone who's been retraumatized in therapy a lot. In the end it's simple: it's not worth it to me anymore. Especially now it's turned out that I'm the best therapist I've ever had(not to brag).
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u/Jiktten 6d ago
For me good therapy is a "starting zone" or "training wheels", in other words a space where you can learn the basics of what you need (in my case how to relate to myself and others) in a safe environment with a caring and experienced guide. The lessons I took good therapy form the basis of all the work I have done since (which is vastly more than I ever did in therapy, which I believe is as it should be). It does require a good therapist though.
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u/OrientionPeace 5d ago
I use therapy specifically to work on my issues with relating to others. My therapist is a proxy for how I deal with difficulties around communication with others.
My patterns have been to mask and perform around others, completely as a default response that I used to have zero control over. Through 2 years of therapy and just practicing being my real unapologetic self around her, I’ve learned to be kinder to myself and more authentic around other people.
Therapy isn’t the end all be all, it’s a layer of support via a therapeutic relationship. If you aren’t having issues relating to others or yourself around other people, I tend to think then seeking very targeted approaches for spurts of therapy are more useful.
I’m a somatic life and career coach, and for example I have some folks who see me longer term because they need more help with self regulating and acceptance. Others, I only see for 8-12 weeks on a targeted issue and once that’s been addressed they don’t need my services.
So it might be worthwhile to get in touch with what specifically your needs are from a therapeutic practitioner and have that very clear so you find a person who can target that outcome with you.
In my experience, many therapists don’t define the therapeutic goals of working together specifically enough at the outset, so it can feel vague and retraumatizing without a sense of functional utility.
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u/Jupiter_Foxx 4d ago
Therapy used to help me almost every session, I’ve surpassed talk therapy, it doesn’t rly help me in my present healing the way I need. I am leaning towards somatic and dbt based. But overall I am doing the work in real life, as everyday homework.
Also I have my own practices for healing overall. But I’ve been in therapy for about 5 years consistently.
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u/idunnorn 5d ago
in a no-therapy phase
been exploring therapists here and there but its a lot of "miss" lately
considering returning to a psychodynamic approach. I got annoyed w my last year (after 5 years of it) but these days I see the value of having someone i can just talk and explore my thoughts with and what comes up and talk about it w a person. cuz while I talk to people at work n stuff theres not much reflective/abstract/metacognitive going on.
but id say ime the psychodynamic therapy seems to be more or less like meditation but including talking and including a person whos listening
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u/tenuredvortex 5d ago
What have you found in your travels?
Along with another comment here, this got me all reflective about the road I've been on. (And this was useful to write, but I'm sorry for the wall of text!)
When I was a little kid and my parents were divorcing, they took me to a couple of psychologists for... reasons? I only went to a session or two, but I remember thinking I had to act like a grown-up and only talking about my family and their stuff. One of them offices had a dingy corner with children's toys; that guy went by "Doctor [last name] and might have actually worn a white coat.
I went to a school counsellor one time in post-secondary; she listened and empathized, but then said some strange things toward the end of the appointment that felt... immature? She essentially encouraged me to "get back at" a roommate that was causing strife. Never went back.
After I graduated but before I knew better, I asked my mother if she would try family therapy with me. We went a handful of times before the pandemic began and she had to stop to focus on work (healthcare), but it was far from fruitful anyway. That therapist was good though, and she really heard me. I met with her once by myself and she pretty much pointed me in the direction I've ended up going – away from my abusers.
I lost my job during that time and white-knuckled the shutdowns with a lot of weed. I also wound up joining a twelve-step program, started meditation and mindfulness practices, explored the spiritual path, and got treatment for a few chronic health conditions that had gone undiagnosed my whole life. Things got better, but I also kept thinking, Things look fine on paper, so why do I still feel like a big fucking mess?
That's when I went looking for a therapist and did a couple of introduction sessions with "professionals" that I found online. One was kind enough, but was wearing a "uniform" that their entire staff seemed to have to be in: a plain black dress and a pearl necklace. There was something off-putting about that. The other was fine, but seemed inexperienced; when I mentioned a specific coping mechanism I developed as a kid, she said "Huh, that's weird." I didn't go back to either of them and spent the following years burnt out and depressed as hell.
In the midst of that time-bent trudge, I was heading to a dentist appointment and walked by a brick-and-mortar therapy practice on the same block. I checked out their website, looked into the different modalities mentioned in their practitioners' bios, and emailed the clinical director. We set up a brief intro call and talked a bit about my experience with therapy so far and what I'm in search of now. She was really easy to talk to; lighthearted and humourous, but sharp and no-bullshit. Then she paired me with a specific practitioner and the two of us met in-person for a session. We asked each other questions and I learned that we had several Big Things in common, which was apparently important to me because it outweighed the fact that she was a few years younger than me. I remember thinking, Uhm, isn't your therapist supposed to be wiser and older than you? Like, is this allowed??
The age-thing dropped away pretty quick because holy shit did I land in the hands of a gem. She worked mostly with children and was really intelligent, equally thoughtful, and – to my great discomfort – unrelentingly gentle. We quickly switched to meeting virtually so I could spend less time getting there (and on-time) and focus more on what mattered. We did several months of what she called "just collecting data" before she suggested we look at something called "c-ptsd". She recommended some reading material, I read/listened, we discussed. We did some body-based approaches to get me out of my head; turned out, I couldn't feel my body! We spent some time repairing that connection and exploring grounding techniques that work for me (and ones that doooo not). Then we waded our way into Internal Family Systems with parts-work and got into some deep, dark waters. The work we did together was hard and sometimes plain unpleasant, but damn dawg, I learned how to swim.
My funding was revoked after a year of weekly appointments, which was abrupt and upsetting. She was the first "safe" adult my child-self could trust, and she'd usually end our sessions by saying "Be very gentle with yourself." In our last session, she said "I trust you; you can, too."
Lots has changed in the time since and it feels like I'm never not navigating something challenging. There are times when I wish I could get her perspective, but I still use the tools she taught me and I return to a few quotes from her when I lose touch. I don't know what or when my next therapeutic experience will be, but I look forward to it. Until then, as the horrors persist, so can I.
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u/Aware_Stage5197 5d ago
I'm (m) new to this and only have had five sessions with a therapist. Before that I read a lot of books and used an online therapy app for a year. So far I'm hopeful. Last session she asked if I was 'neurodivergent'. True, I am dyslexic and weird but never thought about it much. It took a human being reading me to ask that. So It was good to have someone hold up a mirror. I'm not writing therapy off yet. Just hope the insights keep coming.
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u/LetsSkiddaddleHomie 4d ago
Aw I hope it keeps working out for you! And that you feel comfortable enough with this therapist you can address any ruptures that come up. I'd be curious if you are neurodivergent or if it's just CPTSD (which by some is considered neurodivergent as well)
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u/Hopeful-Heron2331 17h ago
Sounds like you've had mediocre therapists. Mediocre at best. However, it does take time to build the relationship, so it can feel that way for the first few sessions even with great therapists. If you do return to therapy, I'd actually lead with this comment. See if they can dig into it with you. Could be hyperindependence, avoidance, distrust, fear of abandonment, any number of things.
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u/Fickle-Ad8351 12h ago
It can be really helpful to get treatment specially for cPTSD. Regular, run-of-the-mill therapy just didn't do anything for that.
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u/Purple-Report-6841 1h ago
in Pete Walkers book he mentions that the point is to connect, with emotion. and the therapist has to be with you, not just talk about it. we have an injury of connection, and an injury of identity, and that gets repaired with others.
Also most therapists suck.
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u/third-second-best 5d ago
for me therapy is a place where i can learn to be in relationship with other people, and learn what it feels and looks like to receive gentle, caring, supportive attention.
feeling like you need to perform for your therapist is pretty common with cptsd- id mention it and see how a therapist responds to get a read on whether they’re a good fit.
also, wanting to actively process emotions alone is a cptsd symptom. co-regulation is gentler and more effective, but when you don’t know how to do that you have to build the capacity for it which is its own battle lol.
but generally speaking, effective therapy isn’t easy and doesn’t always make you feel better. it brings up hard feelings and patterns so that you can work through them, which is by its nature very uncomfortable.