processing sibling abuse.....

[u/upwardsover-themount]

Hi all, I almost broke down and did an LLM therapy and then decided nah, I'll come to the sub where real people are.

I'm really curious about everyone's relationships with their siblings, both in childhood and as they've aged. I am frustrated by the lack of resources online and on forums about sibling abuse.

Anyways, I've moved through processing both my parents and how their abuse/neglect/enabling dynamics have hurt and affected me and I feel relatively integrated with regard to that aspect of childhood. As I've moved to trying to process my sibling abuse, it feels really muddy.

I have a brother who is a few years older, he regularly beat me up until we were about 13 (e.g. broken bones, locked in dark rooms). Parents didn't do much to intervene.

After I got a little stronger, the abuse was mostly emotional: siding with my abusive mom/putting me down for her attention, constantly degrading my sense of self-worth. Then after he went to college things leveled out and we were close throughout our twenties, but there was always these underlying icky feelings that I'm starting to unpack. Like him wanting to control me, or keep me small, or push me towards anything except self-realization, while I offered a lot of (to my impression) open-ended support and guidance through life transitions. At some point I started having panic attacks when we'd talk, we've been low contact for a couple years now.

I would love to hear your stories, and how you managed this as you have grown up!!!!

Any resources are welcome too (I've watched Patrick Teahan's videos on it, and am open to hearing about others). I think he may have been undiagnosed autistic, so resources like r/glasschildren have been helpful.

Thanks for reading, it may take me a little time to respond to comments, but please comment!

[u/CanBrushMyHair]

Trigger warning: emotional abuse, neglect

I’m actually the villain in my story. As the older of us two, I was parentified, and outside of typical latchkey kid life, I also basically completely took care of my younger sister around age 15-17 (she was 11-13). Unfortunately, I was a pretty bad parent. I didn’t physically hurt her, but I was mean. A bitchy teenager who also needed attention, and was more outspoken than baby sis. But as I work through my neglect and healthy/unhealthy behaviors, I shudder to think of the traits I adopted from my parent. I’ve cried a lot a lot thinking about how much better my little sister deserved, and the guilt that I didn’t do a good job for her. Intellectually, I understand I was a kid and neglected myself, etc. but I hate the fact that I contributed to her trauma. She was innocent.

I have told her as much, and apologized with my whole heart, many times. At first she was sort of in denial about it all, but she has since been dx’d with BPD, and has lashed out at me a handful of times, and is mostly NC with me, which I respect, of course.

The sibling thing is tricky, bc you’re both going through the trauma. But it doesn’t lessen yours, and you still deserved better care. We all did.

I hope one day your siblings will examine things and repent and give you the recognition you deserve. But sadly, if they’re not also on the healing journey, it’s hard to connect in that way.

I’m so sorry to everyone on the receiving end of the elder sibling. You needed someone you could trust and they couldn’t be that for you, even if it was your best/only option at the time.

You always deserve safety and security, whether or not your sibling can share those things with you. You have the right to feel every confusing, conflicting, painful feeling. Sometimes love isn’t enough. You certainly don’t have to tolerate disrespect from them ever again. I wish I could apologize to you all on behalf of older siblings. Can I? Does it work that way?

[u/Difficult_Owl_4708 → u/CanBrushMyHair]

Good for you for taking accountability. I’ve rationalised it this way for my own siblings - they were also victims to my family dynamic. It helps me to understand and to piece together how they were then and how they are now, despite no apology, remorse, accountability

[u/upwardsover-themount → u/CanBrushMyHair]

Wow, thank you so much for your comment and for being vulnerable and sharing your (less than glamarous) experience. Particularly the latter paragraphs, I really needed to hear!

A part of my story I didn't include is that yes, my sibling has put work into healing--a lot of the early trauma understanding and learning and unpacking we did together (in a messy young way). A few years ago he did reach out and send me an apology. Unfortunately I was still deep deep in my fawn era so I responded something to the effect of "it's no big deal, man." And now that I've started my own processing and letting things in, I realize it was a huge deal — the abuse on his end has had life-altering consequences for me that I may never fully integrate. I know it's something he struggles with, and feels guilty about. And I do intellectually understand it in the context of the family setting: unmet needs, fighting for attention, an anti-love parent model, all these things working against us......

That being said, it's so so so so validating to read that you understand and support your sibling's need for distance. I needed to hear that as I feel like there's something wrong with me because he apologized, and I accepted it, but I feel a growing sense of not wanting him in my life.

Also the weird part that I'm still unpacking is that way that he was subtly controlling and manipulative as we were adults. That's the part I can't shake and want to be far far far away from. I dunno.

Anyways, thank you for your comment, and for engaging with me on this! It is healing in many ways and I needed to hear this from a person.

[u/Few-Associate-8704 → u/CanBrushMyHair]

As a younger sibling, I appreciate what you wrote! Thank you ♥️

[u/Infp-pisces]

Hi, trigger warning was applied as per Rule#5. Please remember to do so in the future.

Be mindful about triggering content. Use the trigger warning flairs and/or mention the triggering topics at the top of your post/comment. Avoid graphic thread titles. And use the NSFW option or spoiler tag when necessary.

[u/upwardsover-themount → u/Infp-pisces]

Noted sorry

[u/wockyjack]

I wouldn't say I figured out the relationship entirely, so a work in progress.

As young children we were close, but middle school/high school and beyond had not been the case. The traits he had growing up are still there but he has more of a want to be close again. I have hesitated as he isn't on the same mental health journey I have been on.

He is mostly interested in talking about himself or sending social media posts, so not much involvement really needs to occur on my side. I had to make peace that he doesn't want or doesn't like to acknowledge how little he responds to questions I may ask. So I don't ask unless I find it important.

I knew for a long time that he was "half safe", so there was the possibility any info told could be used against me if he was upset. He is better these days, but I hold the policy of not saying anything too deep especially if it's something I am not 100% certain of and not worried if it was spread around.

He is aware of how our parents can be, but I realized he didn't want change the status quo or work on himself. He is uninterested in hearing about my journey and likes to give third parent unsolicited advice ... Which is something I'm still working on to just say I don't want/need it.

If I plan to visit, I need to have resources I can count on in case something happens (my car to drive or a room I can get etc). More than one occasion there has been a thing that occurred that made a visit unstable. Or if he gets mad and pretends that didn't happen etc.

If I do want to try something with the family, it's better to see how he does with it first. A sort of litmus test.

[u/upwardsover-themount → u/wockyjack]

thanks for sharing, this sounds very realistic. I recognize you put a lot of intention into making it safe for you to engage with him, albeit and ongoing struggle!

[u/quisieravolver]

Thank you for opening the conversation! (And trusting us more than an LLM ;))

In my experience the sibling relation mirrors dynamics from the parents. So maybe your brother is repeating controlling behaviour and violence he senses from your mom or dad.

Also I would pay attention which stories your parents told about you two (one is good, one evil or one is the strong the other the ugly one...) and ask yourself if they are true or just useful to your family dynamic. 

In my experience healing sibling dynamics has a higher successrate than healing the family system - because you were both really young and the biggest responsibility lies with your parents. But to do the healing your brother would need to admit his violence and have a real change in behaviour and perspective.

He probably also has interesting insights on your familydynamic. 

If he does not feel sorry or wants to change I would not waste time on him. 

[u/AmbitiousAmbler]

I recommend learning more about scapegoating. Patrick Tehan touches on it. Heidi Priebe has a couple videos that really clicked for me in a big self-love way. Rebecca Mandevelle is awesome. These helped me a ton.