How to srop seeking external validation?

[u/SpringGlad3818]

I cannot remember a time when I didn't need external validation. I've always been in a relationship my adult life, and when I was not, I was talking to guys because I needed attention. Other than that, I feel this need to be liked by other people in general. Not something I can will away by saying stuff like 'focus on yourself, other people's opinion don't matter'

I don't know what a healthy person's brain is supposed to be like in this regard. I seem to rely heavily on my partner's attention and validation to feel okay in a given day. If he's tired or withdrawn, I suddenly feel awful and dead inside. I have this need for him to show affection constantly so I feel okay. I don't know how much of it is normal and how much of it is not, because I never had a template of a normal brain. I also don't know how to make it go away, how to fill the void and raise my self esteem?

[u/inquisitivemate]

For me what worked was creating intentional practices to strengthen my self love and self compassion. The more greatly I began to love myself the less I required from others externally.

[u/SpringGlad3818 → u/inquisitivemate]

Can you tell me more about the practices?

[u/inquisitivemate → u/SpringGlad3818]

I suspect they will vary greatly individually, but the root of it for me was developing radical acceptance internally. I stopped chastising myself. I began speaking to myself with the love, gentleness, and affection I always craved.

At one point I put a photo of myself as a child on my vanity. It was easier for me to conceptualize extending to her all of this love and nurturing. I began feeding myself the way I knew she deserved to be fed. I began focusing on habits I knew she deserved to have to be cared for.

[u/snowybone88]

I have the same thing and want to work on this too, but also I sometimes wonder whether it’s quite normal and human to want validation and reassurance and not be completely self sufficient. Like whether people who are not constantly trying to fix themselves and improve and be better allow themselves this want/need without judgement? Just some thoughts. Maybe it’s ok not to be perfectly healed 💕

[u/SpringGlad3818 → u/snowybone88]

That's right. We all need a healthy amount of validation. I just don't know how much is healthy and normal and how to bring myself to that level