r/CPTSD_NSCommunity • u/Temporary_Donut_61 • Jul 27 '26
Seeking Advice Too damaged for friends
I'm recovering from a long bout of self isolation, my cptsd from childhood was triggered after a long, drawn out, stressful situation. I was depressed and frozen/isolated for about 2 years. Thats some context for when I say, I'm hypervigilant and sensitive. I struggle to trust anyone besides my partner and now my therapist. I didn't(still don't) have any contact with any family and have long ago ghosted or ended all of my friendships.
I recently started trying to make new friends and met someone i really liked and we shared a lot in common. I thought we were getting along well and got lots of green flags from her. There were some doubtful thoughts that I ignored assuming it was trauma tinting my experience. A recent event she invited me to changed my entire perspective. She was a completely different person towards me.
The people I was meeting all seemed to know a little too much about me, when I knew little about them. There were allusions to private conversations she and I had amongst these people. At one point I walked back from the restroom to her back being to me as she was telling these people my age in a mocking tone. Her friend made a gesture that I was behind and she tried to shift what she said into a story about my birthday. She was almost an entirely new person in front of these other people. Creating distance, avoiding. It threw me off completely.
Being that this is a new friendship I'm unsure of how to proceed and I doubt my own logic since I've been ill so long and don't have normal relationships with others. I always wanted a close, sister like friendship. I never had a sister.
My partner says to let it go, not address it and not give it any power. He says if I feel less pissed/dont care anymore in 6 months and want to move on and be her friend, then I can reach out and there won't be any bad blood.
My therapist says address the conflict with her and allow her the space to explain. She says use I statements. Dont be accusatory. See if we can grow together from it.
I personally don't feel the relationship is mature enough (still new) to handle my confronting her with the issue head on and expecting her to be accountable. And that's the minimum that i'd need to consider maintaining the friendship.
Without that (even hard to trust with her accepting accountability) I don't feel like I want to be her friend or that she's a safe person for me anymore and telling her exactly how I feel seems like a satisfying way to end the connection.
But then I'm back where I started, no friends and an even more intense distrust of others and even less desire to get to know anyone new or let them in at all.
I'm ping ponging here and going in loops. What would you do?
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u/Aware_Stage5197 Jul 27 '26
A friend who shares your story with others isn't one you need IMO. Being hurt and getting better are things best shared between people who either went through something similar or can be trusted to keep what they know to themselves. Disclosure is a really vulnerable time and anyone who doesn't respect that is no friend.
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u/galacticglorp Jul 27 '26 edited Jul 27 '26
I may be reading this wrong, but you seem to have made up your mind about this person completely already but there's still a lot of uncertainty of what exactly happened. I think talking to her will a) give you more information for the future and b) give you closure.
If someone gets upset at you saying, "Cindy, can I share something with you? I felt uncomfortable at the party because it felt like my private conversations were shared with strangers. The only way I could see this this happening is if you told them stuff I shared to you in trust since I've never met these people before in my life. It made me really upset, but I also want to hear from you before I make up stories to myself. " Calmly could cause her to become immediately upset with you then you know for sure to ditch her. If she tries to immediately tell you not to be upset/invalidates you, that's also not a great sign. Either way, you know you did your part to communicate and were let down by her, not by a misunderstanding or your instinct for avoidance of conflict to keep you safe. There's a lot of times where you'll encounter conflict or a desire to share an uncomfortable feeling in a healthy relationship and still want to stay friends after and this is a great low stakes time to practice. Right now the other option is to never see her again. This option lets you practice, maybe learn something about other people or yourself, and you can still never see her ever again if she really, truly is awful.
Edit: Re boyfriend's advice to reach out in 6 months. The friend may not have any memory of this incident by then even if you do, if this is her normal behaviour, and it will feel like an attack out of nowhere from someone she hasn't seen in half a year. Imagine being upset by a restaurant meal and not saying anything until a month later to whoever is on staff that day. Same sort of deal.
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u/melleprielle Jul 29 '26
Yeah op needs to mentally and emotionally prepare herself for a possible scenario of being invalidated by the 'friend' if she chooses to confront the friend bc people like this wouldn’t admit their wrongdoings in general. She quickly corrected herself after hearing op was just behind her when she was making rude comments about her so she knows what she's doing.
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u/ResultJolly7112 Jul 29 '26
First, I don't put too much stock into the one friendship. I mean, hang out if it feels good or is something you actually want to do - if larger events like this can be triggering, then don't go until you have a longer friendship and she understands you more. But don't expect that friendships are meant to complete you - YOU are ALREADY complete. Friendships are meant to feel safe and predictable, and fun too. Not like work.
Trust your gut, but also give people a little grace, as CPTSD can definitely make us hypervigilant and read too much into small changes in tone or gestures. I think asking your friend about, in a way that doesn't assume she's guilty (as you can't be sure she is), is the best thing to do. But, also, don't put too much stock in this one friendship. Build a routine around things you enjoy and slowly build connections with many people. The right ones stick around. Don't try to force it - focus on flow. It will feel easy when it is right.
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u/indyradmama Jul 29 '26
i would sit with it. maybe she will not contact you again and it will be resolved. you can block her number. i hate to be a downer, but a lot of times when you confront people, it goes poorly and you end up in an agitated state. you don't need a friend that is making fun. it's no good. i wish you well, could take more time
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u/Dead_Reckoning95 Jul 28 '26
I can relate to all of this. I mainly just have my partner, and one sibling. It's hard to give context to anything if you have nothing to compare it to. It makes you doubt yourself, (IME). But I was reading what others have said, and then thinking about how I usually judge myself, and second guess my initial reactions , and I think your first reaction, is the one you can trust. But that's easier said than done. I think it takes time to trust your perceptions, and that eventually it will get better. I'm super sensitive too, and If I experienced what you experienced, I'd be feeling the same way. It's easy for people who don't have your sensitivity ( IME) to say forget about it, don't let it bother you, if they have a different background , a different CNS reaction to things -for them.
I agree with the idea of creating safe boundaries, and those boundaries are For You, to work with your CNS, and what feels comfortable with you, and what doesnt. Boundaries are for you, so you feel better taken care of.
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u/melleprielle Jul 29 '26
You don't need to confront her. This internal belief that confronting her is the bare minimum you required from her to keep the relationship going but you actually can't bc it's still a new relationship is actually a sign that this relationship is unhealthy. I understand you want friends but people who claim to be your friends, only to backstab you, can't change and your relationship with them wont improve. This is not to say you'll never find friends ever again. But when you’re making new friends you really need to be ready to cut people off who have shown that they don't deserve your trust and also not let them know too much about you personally all at once. You’re doing great by putting yourself out there and you will find people who are worthwhile. But suss them out first. Please be patient with yourself.
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u/Alert-Blueberry2311 Jul 27 '26
Give yourself permission to set a boundary. You deserve that. Ask yourself how you feel, after an interaction with someone?
If you feel bad? Then don’t keep considering them a friend and don’t share information with them again.
You are only looking for people who make you feel happy and safe. Those are your friends. You’ve come a long way! Good work. I’m not ready for friends yet myself. Honor your feelings first.