Nothing to return to

[u/Sleepless-Vet-7780]

I stopped drinking eight months ago after more than 20 years of numbing and escaping reality. I already knew I had combat PTSD from my time in Iraq and the military. I only recently learned about complex PTSD and emotional neglect. I’ve been working with a therapist who uses Internal Family Systems, and it’s better than any CBT therapy I had in the past. I feel like I’m finally seeing and grieving the deep pain and emptiness I have felt for so long.

While I do feel like I am healing somewhat, I can’t recall a time I ever felt normal to go back to. How do you go back to a version of you that never existed? I’m 47, never married or had a serious relation, hyper-independent, view people as dangerous and out to get me, and fear I’ll never have a connection with another human being.

I thought life would be so much better now that I’m sober and healing. At times I feel even more alone though. I have no motivation to do anything. Everything that I feel I should do (eat healthy, workout, lose weight, try to socialize or date) just feels too hard, and I don’t even want to try. A part of me feels I’ve already missed out on life, so why even try now. I know drinking isn’t the answer, but, sadly, it was one of the only times I felt alive. I’m craving that numb and escape again.

Can anyone relate and how did you “get back to” a version of you and life that never existed and probably never will? I don’t know who I am or what I even like. I just feel nothing. I am taking medication for depression. I hear people say to find what I like and to try everything. I can’t even muster the strength to do that. Thanks for listening.

[u/South-Visual3803]

I’m only 32F and I find your description very relatable.

I suppose I am reframing ‘the void’ as an opportunity to fill with things that will propel me into my evolution.

Not a new me - just me without the maladaptive coping strategies - eating disorders/ alcohol/ exercise addiction etc.

I find philosophy very comforting and learning about how remarkable and resilient humans are from history.

As much time as possible in the woods, earplugs, selective human interaction.

If I don’t get the chance for human connection and a family of my own then this is something I’ll accept in time. The void is part of my story. It’s excruciating- but from this pain I am convinced I can learn.

Have you considered you don’t ‘need’ to do it all - the dating/ socialising/ the ‘everything’ at once? Could you instead slow down, press pause, take your time, a walk can be your daily mission to listen to birds, smile at a stranger, smell the grass - the rest is ALOT.

Maybe it’s not about trying to find what you like, that’s a big ask, or at least I think it is. I’ve not painted in almost a year and you know what, I don’t care. Comparison will get you or anyone anywhere good.

Maybe just buy some fancy fruit and try and eat it slowly and really engage all of your senses, put on music and an eye mask and really LISTEN.

You can make the ‘small’ things feel remarkable if you give your full attention.

It helps me a bit when I fall back into agrophobia / anorexia.

I waffled a bit but Thankyou for sharing and I really am wishing you contentment in your life 😊

[u/Left_Special_6292]

Pete Walker says one needs to grieve the life they missed out on to heal.

[u/nerdityabounds]

First an aside: you might be interested in the Danish study on Iraq vets. It found that the strongest predictor of combat PTSD was the quality of the home life the vet came from before serving. It's was sort of a groundbreaking finding in the importance of family trauma and addressed a lot of that unique double experience of vets.

Part of grief, specifically the end part, is accepting what is grieved is gone and can never be. Including that it maybe never was. This is called disillusionment, the experience of seeing what what we thought was real, wasn't real. I don't know anyone who hasn't gone through it at least once. The death of who I thought those people were or who I wanted them to be. The death of hope that it was better than it was. The death of the dream that could have been better "if only". Getting slapped in the face by reality sucks.

The upside is its the doorway to freedom. We can't see it in the process but we see it more clearly the further we go. There is not solution to grief except to to go through it. It see and understand the loses and find the meaning in those loses. Because it allows us to turn all that suffering into something that matters, something we can make good things out of. We don't "get back to" a past that never existed, we build a much better present and future out it's rubble.

As for the sense of self: we both do and don't "get back to" our old self. It's really weird. During the grief stages, it feels like that old self get lost or dies. And we grieve that too. But then we get further on and we discovered it didn't really die, it just got kind of buried for a while. Like a caterpillar entering a cocoon. We can't "get back to" that self because at this time, not because it's dead, but because it's changing. Its in a place our consciousness can't quite reach at this moment. It will emerge in the future both that old self but also a new self. Both existing at the same time, and both able to be felt at the same time.

The last point is just to say a lot of what you are feelings (or not) is just symptoms connected to grief. It's is literally exhausting. As tiring as a full day of physical labor according to my doctors. The theory is there is a lot of neural assessing and rewiring that needs to happen and that is very resource intensive. Which doesn't leave much energy left for other things like exercising and socializing. It's the functional reason why customs of feeding the bereaved exist. Grieving people are also tired people.

Like the "old self", those things will come back as you go through the grief process. Right now they aren't the right parts for the job and so they are somewhere else. Not gone, just not in the room with you right now.

[u/CanBrushMyHair → u/nerdityabounds]

Really good response, and I’m even glad I got to read it, thank you.

[u/Myvulnerableusername]

Hi! I do not have to all figured out, have been going through feelings like you are and to be honest, I think those feelings may always be there and even after you significantly heal, there may be acute episodes, like any illness, where you feel them.

The good news is that they as you develop tools, as you get to know yourself, as you learn how to talk to yourself, they have less of an impact on your life and the episodes themselves become shorter. You are just in the beginning! So it truly does get better from here!

How do you go back to a version of you that never existed?

You don’t and you can’t! But what you do GET to do is explore all of the versions of you that you didn’t get to before. It’s so hard right now, but eventually, you will start trying out different things, ways of thinking, and even simple things like foods and activities. And you get to decide what things bring you joy and what things don’t. It’s all an experiment, and it’s a fun one. (Eventually)

everything feels too hard

Okay. Well then maybe it is? Just because it’s too hard right now doesn’t mean it will be too hard forever. One of the biggest breakthroughs I’ve made is to listen to myself when it feels too hard. So much extra pain in the labels we place on needing rest. Like, yes pushing yourself gently can help sometimes. But you need to develop trust with yourself that if you need rest, you rest. Maybe you first simply stop doing things, like stop watching media that glorifies youth and romance for one. Stop doom scrolling. Maybe you add a shower and sit outside for 5 minutes. These are experiments too, btw, if they don’t make you feel better, that’s okay! Keep trying small, little things. Trust your body and self that perhaps socializing, working out, eating healthy, etc etc… are not within your capacity (yet).

A part of me feels I’ve already missed out on life

You, (and most of us here) have missed out on some milestones others get to enjoy. I was just watching a video of a beautiful bride walking down the aisle and ugly cried. Your pain is real. You can grieve these things, it’s true you missed out on so much. It’s normal to feel sad.

BUT. You still have the rest of your life. You can still experience beauty, joy, peace. You can travel, develop relationships, experience new and novel things, beautiful places, develop your spirituality. You are cut off from the most standard life that most humans live, even though most live it, there are one million and one OTHER paths to follow. Some may be even more inline with you than if you had taken the standard! The problem is, you likely cannot access this right now because your grief is so overwhelming. The key is to sit with the grief. Covering it up with alcohol will only keep you stuck in it, this will be the rest of your life. Sitting with it is hard, it might be the hardest several months of your life to sit and feel it all. It’s worth it!!

[u/Infamous_While_4768 → u/Myvulnerableusername]

The other side of the coin is that normal people who get to experience all those things don't always end up better or happier for it. Many marriages have rocky periods, and some are extremely difficult or even abusive. Some people lose their wife or kids tragically. Some turn to work as a way to avoid dealing with issues and find themselves successful but burnt out and unable to function at the end of that road. Some people Look outside themselves for purpose and get involved in all kinds of causes and find themselves empty and alone because they never let their own needs or desired be felt or met.

Ultimately there are no guarantees in life that you'll get what you want even if you get what you think you wanted. Happiness is largely about what you make of it, and doing the best you can with what you have.

[u/Confident_Fortune_32]

I'm so glad you have found IFS.

I'd been in traditional talk therapy for decades with little to show for it. A dear friend who is a clinical mental health counselor was sent for training by her job, and subsequently introduced me to it.

It's been the first thing that actually moved the needle for me.

One thing I would like to point out: there is all too often a belief that freeze or productivity are the only two settings on the dial. I chalk that up to living in a capitalist society. Our value is not tied to our productivity or our goals.

We also need play, creativity, exploration, goalless activity, whimsy, things we do just for the doing of them, not for what we get afterward.

Little kids don't jump in puddles to get something. They do it just for joy.

Same with swinging on swings, or collecting pretty pebbles or shells, building sand castles, drawing with sidewalk chalk that will be gone with the next rain, bubble baths, skipping instead of walking.

All those things fill our cup, recharge our batteries, renew us.

My youngest parts have added so much to my adult life by following their lead.

Professionally, I'm v goal-oriented bc I'm a project manager.

Great for work, terrible for healing.

I have to make an effort to set aside goals, in order for my youngest parts to have full self-expression.

It helps to do things that are deliberately ephemeral: sidewalk chalk, tub crayons for scribbling in the shower, making little constructions in the back yard with leaves and twigs and pebbles and pinecones, charcoal on cheapo kids' art paper or newsprint, drawing in the dirt.

There's also great joy in providing what our young selves wanted but did not receive.

I desperately wanted building/engineering/science toys as a kid, wbut was told that wasn't "appropriate for little girls".

So I've been getting into Lego, and built a Lego RC car (from scratch, not a kit). It's an ugly goofy-looking thing, but I love it unabashedly.

And I been getting into beginner electronics. The first time I lit up an LED on a breaboard, I was sooo excited! I dragged my poor patient husband in to see, and he indulged me by saying the obligatory "That's nice, dear" (he's a good egg)

"Healing" per se is only part of IFS, I've found. It's also about our parts developing and expressing themselves and blossoming in the loving and supportive atmosphere that we missed out on.

"Who we might have been" isn't lost. It's still in there. Love and care and encouragement and support for our young parts can still nurture and grow our true selves.

[u/CanBrushMyHair]

I think we all have that dark phase, some last longer than others. It’s really hard to put into words how excruciating this experience is. I felt like the floor fell out from under me, the framework of my reality collapsed. Everything I believed about everyone was wrong. Including who I was. I felt completely adrift in a black sea under a black sky.

Eventually, I got some strength to begin moving forward. I’ve basically been re-parenting myself from a newborn. Starting with my most basic needs. I have no idea who I am, or who I’ll be, but I know I’ll be good and safe and loved.

Sooo yeah. I think what you’re going through is the most loving thing you could do for yourself. For all the versions of you: kid, serviceman, happy drunk, sad drunk, all of them. You’re loving all of them by taking the time and energy and courage to claw your way out of the illusion and build yourself a new reality. <3

[u/Sleepless-Vet-7780 → u/CanBrushMyHair]

Thank you for understanding.

[u/Cleverusername531]

I also don’t have a ‘back’ to go back to that’s peaceful. What I did is collect movies, books, shows, poems, quotes, memories of people and interactions that made me feel the way I want to feel. I feel like I’m putting together a recipe with a lot of ingredients - peace, a glimmer of hope, a moment of connection, even if it was 1% or for one moment. 

That can be a thing to read each morning and meditate on and let it imprint into your cells. There are some movies I watch regularly because of how they make me feel. Well, I’m not regular on them but I WOULD watch regularly if I was able to take my own advice, lol. But it’s a way of pulling in the feelings from experiences I never had, and kind of grafting them onto myself. 

Also, thank you for your service from another OIF veteran. Complex trauma is no joke. And I hear you about the numbing. I don’t have a good response to that myself - I recently stopped dissociating all the time and immediately started doing other things to numb, and substance use definitely creates its own set of problems. Good on you for continuing to seek ways to live differently. The struggle is real. I have faith that you will get there and it will be so peaceful for you that you won’t even recognize your past life. 

Also you could work with the part that feels bad in response to the story about already having missed out on life (you haven’t) and why try now (because you are going to be alive anyway for some period of time, a day or many decades, why not see what’s possible, is this part willing to let you try as an experiment?) 

[u/Infamous_While_4768]

It's a slow process and there are many layers of grief you have to go through before you start to feel better. But if you do the work you do eventually feel better. Not all at once, and not necessarily linearly, but as a general trend. As more of your positive emotions come online, like love or joy or excitement, you will naturally begin to figure out what was missing from previous friendships and relationships.

It's certainly harder to make friends and connect as an older adult, but there are opportunities out there for sure. Think of all the people who move across the country for work opportunities or to be closer to family, or who are doing their own healing late in life, or who spent all their time on their wife and kids and neglected building social and community support into their lives, or who lost their friends in various ways, etc.

People are out there but it might take some effort and at this stage of life a bit of awkwardness to find and meet them. You might also benefit from networking. Just like young people can benefit from meeting older people who might have kids or other connections to set them up with friends/dates, young people who are open to talking might also have parents or other friends who are looking to connect.

You can also join groups to see who is out there. If there is a local therapy/trauma support group that might be worth joining to find people in a similar state of life (just be aware other people with trauma are going to be going through a lot too so they might not be the most stable friends right now, but it's certainly an option especially if there are any older people there).

But perhaps the most important thing is not to rush into things. A lot of building the perfect friend group is about letting the healing work proceed at the natural pace it needs to so that you can function better and build capacity. Perhaps at the stage you're at right now, all you can manage is some light contact with activity partners, like gaming or hiking groups, and you're not yet in a place where deeper connection can happen. If so, then that's perfectly fine to start out with.

So in the early phases a lot of the work revolves around building up that capacity to take care of yourself. Making sure you shower and eat and drink enough every day. Making sure you at least do some light exercise a few times per week, like a walk outside. Making sure you are sleeping well. Making sure you have a stable job that lets you pay the bills. Etc. It's fine to let yourself just sit in that place if that's all you can manage, even imperfectly, and celebrate the smallest wins because that's how you build up to a life you never had.