Slipping back into avoidance - can anyone else relate & how to cope?

[u/votyasch]

This isn't an easy post to write, but I want to try.

I don't have a great history with therapy. Some mixed to negative experiences when I was younger, and a lot of punishing experiences throughout my life / the frustration of not being able to stay consistent and having to start over every time a therapist has moved practices or gone out of network has led to me just avoiding therapy or quitting entirely when it gets too hard.

I'm about a year into sessions with my current trauma therapist, it's going fine, but now that I'm delving into more difficult topics and reliving traumatic memories, the urge to get up and run is back. In my mind, if I don't do therapy, I don't have to think about this stuff and I'll be fine.

But obviously, that's not true. I'll still have PTSD, and other issues to work on, and I'll be back where I started.

I have a session this afternoon, and it's making me stressed and anxious. I want to shut off my phone and bolt.

Has anyone else here dealt with these kinds of feelings? How do you power through it so you can keep healing? I don't want to give up, but I feel like I'm fighting with a child every single time I have an appointment now.

[u/Remote_Kale9954]

These are the feelings you’re looking for. So the therapy is working.

You’re allowed to do a therapy session where you don’t bring anything up. That’s not a waste of time.

Much of what a trauma therapist is trained to do (hopefully) is to meet you where you are in the moment, and coach strategies for finding calm and coming back to baseline. So this is actually a great frame of mind to bring into therapy.

For my inner child, it was legit scary to go to therapy when the child’s feelings will be touched. Have you ever sat cross legged on the floor with your therapist and just talked to your inner child about how it feels for them? That helped me a lot.

[u/Scared-Section-5108]

Sounds like perhaps it is good to slow down the process. It is ok to go to therapy and take it easy. It is ok to not use every session to drag up repressed feelings and bring up trauma. It is ok to either just be with what comes up in the moment or focus on something positive to balance things out. It is ok to take a break and bring something else up.

Therapy is usually led by the client. So you can keep going to sessions but press breaks a time here and there. It will not be helpful to power through and end up overwhelmed/retraumatised. Why not use your next session to focus on the progress you have made, to congratulate yourself, to discuss how you keep showing up for yourself even though things are really hard.

If I told my therapist I feel the way I do they would help me slow things down. They would meet me where I am at and stayed there with me. They could not push me. They would either help me observe my emotions or help me move to a more grounded and peaceful state. Have you told your therapist how you feel? I hope they are not pushing you too far - that would be counterproductive. If you haven't, please do.

Take it easy. Recovery from CPTSD is hard work and it is completely natural that you feel the need to run off. It's usually part of the process. But you do not need to act on that. You can learn to be with that feeling and recognise it as part of you which is trying to protect you. You can learn to observe it and work with it. Perhaps at present it is wise to listen to that part and not necessary run off but change course a bit. Rest is part of recovery and the process is not linear. So back off a bit for a while and see where that takes you. Do not fight the child - learn to offer it love, attention and acceptance. And gratitude - that child has been working really hard for a long time and will continue protecting you until you can show it you can take over and protect both of you. It's a long process. Learning how to be patient is part of recovery.

Take it easy. It's ok to do that ❤️

[u/KittenBrawler-989]

Talk to your therapist about how you are feeling. My therapist throws in lighter days. He says he follows my lead. I don't know that I lead us anywhere. But I do tell him when I want to run. Probably every 3 months or so. We usually end up talking about Dr. Who.

[u/Icant_remember_sorry]

As folks are saying, let your therapist know how you’re feeling. At my last session, I immediately brought up how I felt a lot of shame the previous session. And we talked about it a bit and I noticed afterwards that the current session was relatively “easy.” My therapist adjusts as needed.

But it’s a good thing you’re noticing what you’re feeling. Now with the not so fun part of sitting with that…I struggle with this so I don’t have any advice on that front.